Wow. I can’t believe it’s already November. I need to
apologize for not updating in so long. I want to start off with a HUGE
heartfelt thank you for all of the donations you sent for Bill’s birthday food
drive. He would have been so incredibly humbled to see all of the food that
went to the church to help so many families in need. I really don’t have the
words. The girls were so excited each time we received a package, and in the
days leading up to delivery day, Leah and Zoey colored pictures to “make the
people getting the food happy and to let them know we love them.” All I can say
is Thank you. THANK YOU for helping to teach our girls the gift of giving back.
Not only will they remember your generosity, but they will know that because so
many people love their daddy, many people in need will be helped.
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| Just a small snapshot of all the donations |
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| Some of the canned goods |
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| We love you. Please like our food. |
Because I am so far behind in updating, I do want to mention
one more special event that happened for Bill’s birthday. We were invited to a
friend’s house for a get together, and to honor Bill she and her husband had
the girls and I along with some other close friends help plant a “Brave
Dogwood” tree in her yard. She said she picked that particular tree because of
its name and because it reminded her of how brave Bill was during his fight. I
can’t tell you how much this thoughtful, kind gesture means for the girls. One
of the concerns I have had was how to keep Bill present for the girls-
especially for Leah and Zoey since they were so young when he left for Boston.
Moments like this- where they see people going out of their way to honor their
amazing dad- show them how loved he was (and still is) by so many people. It
gives them opportunities to hear stories about Bill- about the things that they
didn’t get to see him do. (In this case it was Daddy as the “unskilled labor”
(his words) helping a friend build a wine cellar/ basement for someone.)
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| The Brave Dogwood Tree |
I feel like for kids who have both of their parents in their
lives, these small moments may not be appreciated in the same way that my kids
appreciate them. The girls soak in stories about Bill. Their eyes light up when
people talk about him. They ask questions. They want so desperately to know him
in any way that they can. And while, yes, it is heartbreaking for me to watch,
I am SO appreciative of the moments where people are intentional to talk about
Bill. I’ve said this before, but I can’t stress it enough. He WILL ALWAYS be
part of our family. I talk about him every day. So, at the risk of sounding
like a broken record, thank you. To those of you who still talk about Bill and
still share your stories. THANK YOU. You are making such a difference for our
girls.
So on that note… I’ve been trying to figure out how to write
this next part. Please be forgiving if it comes across as less than positive.
I’ll probably write some more about our summer at a later date, but I’m feeling
the need to ask you once again for your prayers. This summer was great for the
girls, but it had some really difficult moments for me. I had a sweet friend
send me some pics of myself on FB and tell me how she loved the joy in my eyes
despite everything that we’ve been through. It meant so much to me because in
general I do choose joy, but the specific pictures she sent had so much pain
behind them because of what was going on in the background of my life. I’m not
going to elaborate much on that other than to say that the Lord continues to
remind me that I am not in control of much. In my heart I know that giving Him
the reigns is better for everyone, but sometimes is easier said than done. (You’d
think this is a lesson that would be drilled down by now, but apparently I need
constant reminders. And I wonder where our kids get their stubbornness from.)
In that same vein, I want to say that I understand that Bill
has been gone for over a year. I also understand that some people have a low
threshold for grief and its stages. I
also understand that sometimes well-intentioned people can say careless things
that are hurtful without understanding the depth of pain that their words can
cause.
I am thankful that the Lord has sent people into my life who
have helped me move forward to a place where I am not angry, where I am not
bitter, and where I have lots more moments that I am more hopeful for the
future than I am devastated about the past. But I want to be very clear. I will
never, NEVER be over losing Bill. I know that I can’t bring him back. But I
also know that moving forward with whatever the Lord has planned for our lives
in not the same thing as being “over” losing my husband and my girls’ father.
Our future is bright. We do have hope. But I am reminded EVERY.SINGLE day that Bill
is gone- and not just in the everyday moments like putting the girls to bed or
sitting on the sofa alone at night. I’m reminded in a million different unexpected
ways that completely cut me to the core. Not too long ago while we were walking
home from school, out of nowhere Zoey asked me if she died when she was an old
woman how would Daddy know it was her when she got to Heaven. She said that if
she died now, Daddy would still recognize her and she knew he’d be waiting for
her so he could give her lots of hugs and kisses as soon as he saw her. She
said she didn’t want to leave me, but she wants to know that Daddy will know
her.
Every night I make sure to say the exact same thing to Leah
that Bill used to say before she’d go to bed. We talk about how Daddy used to
say it, so Mama does it now so that she’ll remember. It’s only been in the last
6 months or so that Leah will even talk about Bill. And every so often she comes
to me with tears in her eyes talking about how she misses when Daddy used to
tickle and snuggle with her.
While we were at the beach this summer Kaleigh asked me a
million times if Daddy would be proud of her for being in the waves or for
climbing the dunes or for whatever else she was doing. Just yesterday she said
she wished that she could go to Mexico for Dia de los Muertos because they
believe the dead can visit you. She didn’t say it, but I know she is hoping
that if she were to go to Mexico that somehow she could spend time with Daddy.
It’s overwhelming. Being responsible for these three
precious little hearts trying to make sense of everything that has happened. Navigating
these hundreds of moments that are constant reminders that he is not here. A
friend once said it must be like living in a field full of emotional landmines.
Never knowing when another one is going to go off. That’s exactly what it’s
like. Don’t get me wrong… I am so thankful the girls feel free to ask any and
all the questions and share the thoughts they have about Bill. That’s what I
want them to do. I don’t ever want them to feel like they can’t share their thoughts
and feelings. But I never know when they are going to happen. And I’m usually
unsure of whether or not I’m handling them the best way.
So if you could please pray for me. For wisdom to know how
to best guide our girls through all of the questions, fears, emotions, etc…
that they experience every day. I know there is absolutely no way for me to
anticipate all of the “emotional landmines,” but I am trying to take comfort in
knowing that none of them are a surprise to God. My constant prayer is that He
would give me the words to soothe the girls’ fears when they come up. If you
could also pray just for me in general, I’d appreciate it. I am learning that my heart is still much more
fragile than I thought it was. Or maybe I’m learning just how shielded I have
been in so many ways over the last few years. Either way… I’m hurting in ways I
honestly never anticipated, and while I am on my knees every day, I would
appreciate some back up in the prayer department. Thanks friends. You are all
such a blessing to us. Thank you for continuing to sustain us as we walk the
road of our new normal.
