Of Six Years Without Bill

What to say? I honestly don’t even know. Six years without you. Six years since I watched you take your last breath over Facetime because there was no time to get to Boston to be with you. I know you wanted me to be with the girls when it happened because you always put them first, and I’m so glad your parents were there so you weren’t alone. But I wanted to be the one to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you and that it was ok. That you had fought harder than anyone could. And that we would be ok.

You wouldn’t even recognize these girls of yours now. Kaleigh in HIGH SCHOOL with all the angst that goes with it- but with a heart of gold underneath it all. She still reminds me so much of you. Her eyes. They take my breath away sometimes because I swear it’s you peaking through. At the same time she is her own person for sure. 

Leah has now lived half her life without you. We’ve had so many ups and downs, but she’s doing so well. Her sweet, sensitive heart is on full display all the time. And you wouldn’t believe how she shines on stage. I’m so thankful that I can tell her every year about how you moved heaven and earth to get to her recital when she was 4- despite the pain you were in. And goodness, I don’t even know where to start with Zoey. She is witty, compassionate, joyful, and dramatic. Good lord, the drama. You would get such a kick out of her. I imagine how you’d laugh (and hide) from our estrogen-filled house. I miss the balance of having you here.

Leah asked me the other day if we ever kissed in front of them. And I said absolutely, yes. Just because

we wanted to hear them say “EWWWWWWW.” And then I told her how we’d dance in the kitchen together and how you used to do your own routine to that Selena Gomez song just to make them laugh. I try so hard to channel you, but I know it’s not the same. (They tell me I’m weird and embarrassing all the time, so I guess I’m getting some of it right.)

I love that some of our friends still share stories about you. There is SO much material out there. Ha! I just got a text today from someone reminding me of how you used to make us girls order your "frufru" drinks so you wouldn’t have your man-card revoked. Still makes me smile to think about it. I hope the girls will really listen to people’s stories and remember them so they can get a better sense of who you were. In some ways, you are still so present for me that it’s hard when I realize it’s not the same for them. Kaleigh went rummaging in your t-shirts not long ago and was surprised at the size of them. “How tall WAS Daddy?” It never occurred to me that they don’t have a sense of your physical size. It actually broke my heart.

All I can say is that I am trying every day to honor you, babe. To tell the girls our stories and to answer the questions they have. I’m so thankful for the time we got with you, but the more time passes the more like a dream you feel. Some days I think I’m filling the void ok, and then other times it’s so clear that they don’t really understand “dads.” It’s in those moments I think I grieve the most. Because you were the BEST dad, and no matter what I do, I can’t give them the experience of knowing what it’s like to live in a home with a father that loves them and fights for them. I continue to be so grateful for the men who show up for us. I’m thankful that the girls see glimpses and flashes of what it means to have a dad around, but it’s still hard to think about how it could have been.

Friends, thanks to everyone who reached out today. I decided to work to keep my mind off of the day. As you know, I always think I’ll do better than I usually do but being able to be with my “kids” at school was a great distraction. They have filled me with such laughter and fun over the past year- despite the circumstances of Covid. We continue to appreciate all of your prayers. We are so blessed to have you in our lives.

Of Needed Prayers and Bill’s Birthday Food Drive

Friends,

It’s hard to believe it’s already time for the food drive in honor of Bill’s birthday. I’ll explain more about what we are doing for that in a minute, but I wanted to take some time to update you on how things are going here. I know there are some people who aren’t on Facebook who ask from time to time how things are going, and since I haven’t had time to really write, I thought this would be a good opportunity. I’m not even sure where to start, except to say that we continue to be thankful for the amazing village we have been blessed with. Things have been very overwhelming lately, and I truly wouldn’t be standing if it were not for the people who continue to encourage and walk alongside us. I keep thinking that four years into “life without Bill” should mean that things are easier… but just when I feel like one “fire” is starting to burn itself out, another one pops up. Out of respect for the “Peas” privacy, I will just say that one of them is really, REALLY struggling. I mean, if I’m being honest, each one of them struggles at different times and to different degrees, but one of them is really having a hard time right now. And I am having a hard time knowing how best to help her. I’m not going to lie. Being the only parent and not knowing if I’m making the right decisions is very overwhelming. Everything rests on my shoulders… for all three of them. (And yes, my amazing Christian friends, I know that ultimately I need to give it over to God… and I have, but I am still the one that has to make and carry through on the decisions about school, friends, appointments, homework, activities, etc…) The weight of it all has gotten very heavy. It is impossibly hard to watch your child struggle and not be able to fix it. I’ve actually gotten used to the littles crying for Daddy. It happens almost every day, so I’ve had to become numb to it. I’ve had to uncomfortably apologize when one of the Peas asked a friend’s dad if she could call him “Daddy.” I’ve had to compartmentalize the “Why are we the only ones without dads?" and Why didn’t God want us to have a daddy who was alive like everyone else” questions after the girls go to Daddy/ Kid events with the amazing men who love them in Bill’s place. And I have had to accept that all of these things have become part of our normal life. But when something out of the blue pops up that causes one of them to struggle, it is really hard. They’ve already had to endure so much, I just want things to be easy or at least “less hard” for them. And maybe I want things to be “less hard” for me too. Bill was my rock. He made me feel safe. When I felt overwhelmed or scared he could hold me tight and I would know that things would be ok. It’s a really lonely place to be having to do this all on my own. And it’s exhausting. I feel like I am constantly fighting. And I'm tired of fighting.  So, if you are a person of prayer, I would really appreciate you praying for us. For strength, endurance, wisdom, and peace. I keep reminding myself that everything is temporary and that God has it, but it’s still really hard.

Because I try really hard to focus on the positives, though, I thought I would share a few of the highlights as of late. This year, Leah has been dancing her little heart out on her studio’s competition team. And next year, Zoey thinks she might like to try it. Leah and I have had two special weekends away together for her competitions which was really cool (thank you to the friends and family that watched the other two). Zoey is a total ham and has recently decided she wants to go on American Ninja Warrior (ha!). Kaleigh is now THIRTEEN… enough said. J She continues to be a tender-hearted, bookworm just like her Daddy. 

Ready for the Daddy/Daughter Dance with Mr.
Dave and his awesome girls     

Leah before her first dance competition

Casting Crowns concert in Richmond

 And speaking of her Daddy, today would have been his 44^th birthday. So, in honor of the day that gave us Bill, we are kicking off our annual food drive in his honor. The girls look forward to this every year, and they are super excited this year because we are focusing on providing snacks for the kids at the elementary school that our church supports-which means kids their age will be benefitting from the food drive.  Bill would be so honored to know that children in need will be provided for in his memory. So if you feel so inclined, please feel free to donate anything from the list below. Please note that items should be individually wrapped so the snacks can be distributed to students.  

Our address is 26028 Pembrooke Circle, Chantilly VA 20152. We will be collecting items until May 10th. 

Oh- and here's a link to the video from the girls and some friends gathering and delivering the items you were so generous to donate last year!

                                                             2018 Food Drive- Thank You!

Thank you so much!

Love, Dana and the Peas

Guilford Elementary School Snack Donation List

** All items should come in individual packs

Go Go Squeeze Apple Sauce

Granola Bars (no nuts or peanut butter)

Goldfish

Fruit Snacks

Pretzels

Kraft Crackers ‘n Cheese

Animal Crackers

Cheeze Its

Veggie Straws

Pirate Booty

Of Creative Friends and Bill in a Comic!

It’s been a really long time since I’ve written. As you can imagine life has been hectic as usual. There have been so many times I wanted to update and then time just slipped away from me. I have so many things to write about but first I want to thank all of you for your donations last year to the food drive in Bill’s honor. We plan to do it again this year, but I’ll send out some more info on that later.

It’s so incredibly hard to believe that Bill has been gone for four years. He is so present in our everyday lives that the time has just flown. We continue to be so thankful for the village of people that God has provided us with. Which brings me to this post. I know I have said over and over again throughout the last five years how amazing our friends are. Not only are they amazing, but they are so creative and they come up with ways to honor Bill that just blow my mind.  

If you knew Bill you knew that he had some childhood brothers that he carried with him throughout his life. Also, if you knew Bill, you knew he liked comic books- a love that he shared with Kaleigh. Well, three of Bill’s brothers (Dan, Mike, and Jimmy) reached out to me to see if I could get the word out about a project they have been working on to get Bill written into a comic book. When they told me about it my jaw hit the floor. What an incredible way to honor Bill. And when I told Kaleigh about it… well… you can imagine how she reacted. Daddy IN a comic book?!?!?! What could be more awesome?

I am super sick right now, so rather than me explain it, Dan was awesome and wrote for me to post.  

From Dan:

I came across Ben Bishop, the comic book artist, a few years ago while on Instagram.  He was posting great pictures of teenage mutant ninja turtles that I really liked.  I especially like when he draws characters like the turtles, transformers and GI Joe from my childhood.  He had recently completed a choose-your-own-adventure style graphic novel called The Aggregate that was funded on Kickstarter.  Ben went on to do covers and eventually art for whole issues of the ninja turtle comics.  His work on the turtles linked him up with Kevin Eastman, co-creator of the turtles.  The two of them, along with a writer and a few others started a comic on Kickstarter called Drawing Blood.  This was the first time I had even sponsored a Kickstarter and the comic turned out amazing!  Ben did a large portion of the art for that comic and it really is beautiful.  

Linked Ben Bishop Covers for a TMNT macro series

Just this month, Ben started a new campaign for The Aggregate 2.  Having read The Aggregate 1 and been a supporter of Drawing Blood, I was really excited to be a part of this one.  When the campaign kicked off, I went to the site to check out the levels of sponsorship.  One thing I like about Ben in addition to his art, is his sense of humor… which comes through the books he works on.  His campaign included lots of ways for supporters to become part of the comic, including having your cat drawn into the book and making you a character that dies a horrible death.  The one option that caught my eye was having a supporting hero or villain in the story.  For some reason, I thought to myself, man it would be cool to put Bill in this comic.  So I sent a text to Mike and Jim and said: “Hey, I want to put Bill in a comic, do you want to chip in?”  Of course, they said yes… because who doesn’t want to read comics with their friends in them?  For me comics aren’t just stories and art, they are ways to connect with things that are important to me.  Comics have had a special place in my life and part of that includes connecting me to important times in high school, sitting at Jim’s house reading comics and playing video games.  Bill would usually take a prime spot on the bed with a Dark Knight comic while the rest of us took turns rotating between reading and playing on the Mac.  It doesn’t sound like much, but for me it was probably the best place I could have been at that time.  Those times and people are rare and I don’t ever want to forget that.Things have changed in life and I can’t just hop on my bike and ride to Jim’s house to read comics anymore, but I can still connect back to those moments.  So, I guess this is what it’s all about for me.  I can’t say what seeing Bill in a post-apocalyptic comic will mean for everybody, but I hope it will make them smile and connect with something that Bill meant to them.  

There may because specific questions about the comic and Kickstarter in general.  I can’t answer a lot about The Aggregate 2, as it hasn’t even been written yet.  But I’ve read The Aggregate 1 and it a science fiction story set in a “Mad Max” like future.  It does have graphic violence and adult language, so I won’t be sharing it completely with my little guys.  The choose your own adventure style is unique for comics and makes the experience another throw-back to my childhood (make sure you save your page just in case you make the wrong decision!)  The Aggregate 1 took about 2 years to complete so I suspect that this will be about the same.  Ben is a hard worker, but also a one man show for this project (he may have another artist do colors).  I’ve reached out to him and let him know that we wanted to include Bill in the comic and he is excited and respectful about what we are trying to do. 

If other people want to own a copy of The Aggregate 2, starring Bill, the easiest way is to support the Kickstarter. 

$25 will get you a signed copy of the book as soon as it is finished and can ship out.  There are tons of other options (including a $10 digital copy only).  If they directly support the project, that will help them get all updates on the project which is one of the fun parts of Kickstarter.  If people don’t want to directly support the project, I can add copies to my current pledge for the same price of $25 each, but that will mean more logistics and shipping for me to take care of at the end of the project.  Kickstarter does take a little bit of faith, but Ben has a track record of good projects, so I am confident that he will see this through. 

The Aggregate 2 Kickstarter Campaign: (runs through the end of March)

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/bishart/the-aggregate-book-2-the-split-decision-comic-cont?ref=user_menu

                                                   

Happy Birthday, Babe. Bill's Annual Birthday Food Drive

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I’ve update the blog. There are so many things I've meant to write about, but time has just gotten the better of me.  It’s even harder to believe that Bill’s been gone for just over 3 years now. He is still so present in our everyday lives, that when I stop and think about it… THREE years. It’s just really hard to believe.

This year has been filled with the usual up and downs. It would be impossible to truly talk about everything, but I’ll try to share a few highlights for those of you who aren’t on Facebook.

This year marked the start of middle school for Kaleigh. (What?!) I have no idea how that happened. She loves her school and has made a ton of new friends. I keep saying she’s a mini-Bill in every possible way. She doing well academically with very minimal effort (much to her mother’s dismay.) We are now dealing with all the typical tween things and all the fun that comes along with that. When things get intense, I often look around for Bill- knowing that he would be laughing at me and all the attitude I have to dodge daily. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, but when Bill found out that K was going to be a girl he didn’t speak the rest of the day because the idea of having a daughter terrified him. When I finally asked him if he was ok, the first words uttered were, “Well, the good news is, when she’s a teenager, she’ll hate you, but I’ll get to be the hero.” (Thanks, babe.) And let me tell you… Daddy is most definitely still the hero around here. While Mom is Public Enemy #1. Having said that, he would be so incredibly proud of the young lady she is becoming- kind, well-read, witty, and full of love.

Beautiful K before her Choral Concert

This year has been a bit of a roller coaster for sweet Leah. We have had a lot of challenges that have emerged due to where she is in her grief and how it impacts her every day, but with the help of her AMAZING teacher, school staff, and other people who love her she is really flourishing. She continues to dance and LOVES every minute of it. She was in the Nutcracker again this year, and she is super excited about her upcoming recital because she’s gets to perform to some of the music from her newest favorite movie- The Greatest Showman.

All dressed up for the Spanish Dance in the Nutcracker

The littlest pea started first grade this year, which is SO hard to believe. She is doing great academically and has made lots of friends. She continues to be a bundle of smiles, giggles, and energy. And the Lord continues to use her to remind me to look for joy in all the small things. She still loves to talk about Daddy and she loves when I share stories or FB memories with comments that he’s made about her. I will say that developmentally we have hit a stage where she is really internalizing that a piece of her family is missing. She notices when other kids her age have their dads around and she gets sad a lot because she feels that emptiness. Because of this sadness, we are dealing with some challenges that we hadn’t dealt with before, but I am praying that we can navigate them in a healthy way. (If you think about it, please pray for her sweet heart. And please pray that her counselor and I can ease some of her sadness and give her some strategies to help her when she feels upset.)

ZoZo and her butterfly friend 

Things with me are ok. If I’m being honest, “only parenting” is waring me down. Each sweet pea is so different in their needs that I am completely wiped out by the end of most days. I am so thankful for my friends who continue to send encouraging notes or come over to give me breaks. I know I am doing the best I can most days, but I just worry that my best isn’t enough. I can’t make up for Bill not being here. They are missing the most important man in their lives, and because only half the “team” is here, I often wonder if I am making the right choices for them. Shouldering all of it all the time can be so overwhelming, but again, I am thankful for the friends and family I call my “Bill surrogates”- people who try to channel him for me so I can get as close to his perspective as possible. Especially in moments where the girls just REALLY need their dad. One of the peas got glasses this year and was so excited about them, until the insecurities set in about not looking good or worrying that people would make fun of her. All I could think was “she needs Bill. She needs him to tell her she is beautiful. She needs his strong arms around her to give her security and confidence.” (Of course, I was doing all of those things for her too, but my voice doesn’t always carry as much weight these days.) I am so thankful for two of Bill’s guy friends who stepped in and told her all the things Daddy would have told her and gave her those hugs.  Bittersweet and beautiful all at the same time. 

Anyway, I could go on and on, but this post is about Bill’s birthday. Today he would have been 43. So, to celebrate this great day, we are continuing our tradition of doing a food drive in his honor to benefit the Reston Bible Church Food Pantry where he used to volunteer. You all have been so generous in the past, and I truly can’t thank you enough. Not only are you helping us honor their amazing Daddy, but you are helping the girls understand how important it is to give back. They look forward to his birthday every year because they get excited when they see all of the donations that come in to help other people in Bill’s name. The list has changed a little bit this year, and because it is smaller, I am also adding some additional snack items that our church provides to students at one of the local elementary schools.  I can’t imagine a better way to honor Bill than to help feed kids who are in need.

Thank you so much for all of your continued support. I know I say this all the time, but you have helped sustain us over the past 4+ years with your prayers, encouragement, and love. We are so thankful for each and every one of you.

We will collecting items from now until May 10^th. As always, I’d love it if you would send the items to our home so the girls can take part in delivering them, or you can donate them directly to the church. (See below for the lists and a video of the girls helping with the drive last year.) Thank you!

                                                            2017 Food Drive for Bill's Birthday Video Link 

Food Pantry Items:

Dry black beans
1 or 3 lbs bags of white rice
64 oz canola oil
Canned Corns
Tuna
Masa Corn Flour

Guildford Elementary Snack Pack Items: (Individually packaged):

Go Go Squeeze Apple Sauce

Goldfish

Granola Bars (No nuts or Peanut Butter)
Fruit Snacks
Pretzels

Animal Crackers

Cheeze-Its

Veggie Straws

Pirate Booty

More Bill and His Birthday Food Drive

I want to start by thanking all of you for your prayers and kind words after my last post. February 23^rd was a good day for all of us. I was able to go out to a winery with a friend and just take a moment to get away from it all. There’s something about being outside away from NOVA that lets me exhale a little.  It was exactly what I needed. Later that night we ended up going to dinner at Bill’s favorite restaurant. I had left the decision up to Kaleigh, and after hemming and hawing for a long time, at the last minute she decided she did want to go. We even had some good friends come with us, and one of them ordered Bill’s favorite dish in honor of him. I know it goes without saying, but we have been so blessed along the way with wonderful people to love us. Our friend doesn’t usually order that particular meal, but he did to honor Bill. And it wasn’t lost on me or the girls.

A lot has gone on since that day, but I’ll try to catch up on that at another time. I meant to get this entry up last week, but I am slowly recovering from pneumonia, so it has taken me longer to do than I had originally expected. (I’m fine and the girls have been amazing while I’ve been sick.)

A few months ago I had to go through all of our pictures to find some to submit for Kaleigh’s fifth grade graduation (what?!). And I came across a disposable camera that she had taken to Kindergarten. I hadn’t had it developed, so I went ahead and took it in. Part of me was hoping I’d find a cute picture or two that I could submit of Kaleigh. But another part of me realized that there may be a picture of Bill on there that no one had seen. He had volunteered in her class, and the more I thought about it, the more I hoped and hoped that there would be one new picture of Bill. And then I started wondering why I was spending so much time thinking and hoping about a picture on a disposable camera from six years ago. Seemed a little silly. But then I realized that what I really wanted was “more” Bill in the world. After 20 years of knowing him, I feel like I have probably seen most of the pictures there are or will ever be of Bill. So this little camera had the potential to bring “more Bill” into the world for me and the girls. Sadly, when the pictures came back there weren’t any of him, and truthfully, because the camera was so old, the quality of the pictures on there were really bad anyway.

But it’s amazing how God knows what you need right when you need it. A few weeks after this happened, I was having a pretty crummy day and I got a text from one of my best friends who didn’t know anything about the disposable camera or the pictures I was hoping for. She had been cleaning out her house and had stumbled across some pictures of Bill at her wedding. She sent a couple via text and all I could do was just stare and cry. He was so healthy. So strong. So happy. So… Bill. And it was exactly what I had wanted. More of Bill in the world. I showed the girls and they were all so excited to see Daddy looking so happy and handsome. And my friend even sent the hard copies to us so we can have them forever. (Thank you Heather, you will never know how much these pictures really mean to us.)

                                               

Over the past couple of weeks as I thought about today- the day Bill would have turned 42, I thought about that phrase “more Bill in the world.” And while I know that we can’t actually have more of Bill physically, we can continue to do the things he would have done if he were here. I wasn’t sure if we were going to do another food drive this year, but as I thought about how many people were helped last year by your generosity and about what an amazing example it was for the girls, I decided that the food drive is exactly what we should do to honor Bill.

Kaleigh and I went to a Casting Crowns concert a week or so ago, and the lead singer was talking about his kids and how some things are taught and how some things are caught when you are a kid watching your parents. I teach the girls all the time the importance of being generous and putting others before themselves. But I think it’s the stuff that is “caught” that can be the most powerful in their lives for the long haul. And I know that last year, watching all of the donations pour in was one of those “caught” moments for the girls. They still talk about how Daddy used to volunteer at the Food Pantry and about how they can help just like he did with his birthday food drive.

So friends, if you are so inclined, we would love it if you would consider donating to the food drive for RBC’s food pantry in honor of Bill. I spoke to the coordinator and she sent the following list of high priority items that are needed. The snack items at the bottom of the list would go to support kids in one of the local elementary schools who we provide snacks for during the school day.

Instant Coffee

Diapers

Baby Wipes

Dry Black Beans

Canola Oil

Sugar

Goldfish

Pirate's Booty

Cheeze Its

Veggie Straws

Fruit Snacks

Teddy Grahams

If you drop off or send your items to our house (if you need our address let me know) just like last year, then sometime around the middle of May, the girls and I will make sure that everything gets delivered to the church. If you would prefer to send a gift card, the food pantry coordinator said they could use it to buy the necessary items as well. Thank you so much for your consideration and your generosity from last year. I am excited to see how many people we can help this year in honor of Bill. 

Of Two Years

Gosh, it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I feel the need to maybe apologize and explain a little. When Bill and I started his CaringBridge page it was to keep everyone updated on how things were going with him and to ask people to pray for his health, etc… After he died, I knew that a lot of people were still praying for us and wanted to know how things were going- especially for the girls. And truth be told, it was a good outlet for me to hash through some of the things I was feeling… and it was still a place to ask for prayers- which we continue to desperately need.

I’ve taken kind of break from the blog for a couple of reasons. Time constraints being one of them, but if I’m being really honest, I had someone say some really hurtful things to me this summer about how I was just using Bill’s death as a way to get attention for myself. And while I know in my heart that this is not true (because I would give up any ounce of attention to have him back), it has given me pause for updating with what’s going on with us. Every time I’d think about writing, I’d stop and second guess my motives.

Recently, we’ve had several dear friends facing some potential health crises, and as I eagerly waited for updates on how they were doing, it occurred to me that maybe some of you who have been praying for us for almost 4 years now, felt that same way when we were writing about Bill’s journey. And that maybe some of you still genuinely do want to know how the girls are doing- and that no- I’m not attempting to just get attention for myself.

After confiding my feelings to a couple of close friends, and after several people over the past month or so have asked when I’m going to update again, I have obviously decided that it’s “ok” for me to continue, and that I need to dismiss that other voice inside my head.

Many of you know that today marks the second anniversary of Bill’s passing. In some ways it’s so hard to believe that it’s already been two years. And in other ways it’s hard to believe it’s ONLY been two years. Some days he feels so very far away, but then on other days I can hear his voice so clearly in my head/heart that it’s like he’s right here. Someone recently said to me that Bill and I balanced each other out. And no truer words have ever been spoken. One of the biggest struggles for me even two years later is not having his voice to give me “the other side.” My grandmother once said that I was “doer” and Bill was a “sitter,” and while it was a source of frustration for both of us at times, it really was such a strength in our marriage. He would help me give myself permission to sit and rest, and I would help “motivate” (he’d probably say nag ;) ) to go do things together. So now, without his voice telling me to stop and rest, I am often finding myself running ragged because of all the things I’m trying to get done or activities I have planned for the kids. And if I’m being really honest, I know that a lot of the weekend trips, etc… that we’ve taken are to help distract me too. Being in the house alone on the weekend is still a major struggle for me, so I have found that having plans is helpful (it’s the extravert in me, I’m sure.)

For those of you on Facebook, you’ve seen a lot of the things we’ve been up to, but I know many people who have kept up with us on the blog aren’t on FB, so I thought I’d give just a quick update on the things we’ve been doing lately.

The girls are growing into beautiful little ladies, and while we have lots of ups and downs, I know how proud Bill would be of the people they are becoming. We talk all the time about what Daddy would think of the activities they are involved in.

Back in the summer, Leah auditioned and was cast as a mouse and a Bon Bon in her dance company’s production of the Nutcracker. Anyone who knows Leah knows that the Nutcracker is her favorite thing in life, so being able to be a part of it really was a dream come true for her.  As I watched her eyes light up when she’d talk about it and while she was dancing, I just kept thinking about Bill and how excited he would be to see how happy she was. She is our sweat pea that has had so many challenges because of everything that has happened, and to see the joy bursting from her little body… well… there are really no words to describe it.

Kaleigh continues to be our book worm. The baseboards in her room are completely lost behind the stacks and stacks of books because she’s run out of room in her bookshelves (yes, she has a kindle, but she’s like her mama… she prefers reading actual books). She’s also continued her voice lessons and recently joined a band. (Heaven help me!) I know that Bill would be so incredibly proud of her for getting over her fear of singing in front of people (people who are not her parents… she won’t let me hear her sing because she says it’s too embarrassing and that I would be too excited which would be even more embarrassing… yes, folks, the tween has arrived!) But nonetheless, I know he would be so glad that K has finally found the thing that she enjoys doing too. My prayer is that it will become her creative outlet when she needs to get her emotions out.

Sweet Zoey is doing a great job in kindergarten. She’s also taking a dance class and will be dancing on the “big stage” this spring in her very first recital. She’s one of the youngest in the class, so sometimes the attention span is a little short, but I’ve been so surprised at how quickly she picks up the steps. She’s also a ROCK STAR at memorizing her scripture verses for AWANA. She’s finished her whole book for the year and is working on some extra verses now.

For those of you who pray for us, if I could ask you to pray for us today since this is the second anniversary. Kaleigh knows, but Leah and Zoey don’t. For the past two years I have always had a lot of anxiety about today because I wasn’t sure what to do. I have this instinct to just have it be a normal day and not make a big deal of it. I guess since we live with Bill’s absence every day, part of me wants to just be business as usual. (Which I know in my heart is ridiculous because the waves of emotion that have been crashing into me the last couple of days have left me reeling.) A dear friend told me that he hoped I could rest my heart today, so I’ve decided not to work at all, and a neighbor friend of mine and I are going out west for a couple of hours to enjoy the beautiful weather. I’m hoping it’s exactly what I’ll need. Just a little space from the daily routine, fresh air, mountain views. And then I think I’ll take the girls to Bill’s favorite restaurant for an early dinner. We’ll see.

So all of that is to say, if you could just pray for us today as we walk through this second anniversary. As I mentioned last year, this is a sad day for us because we lost Bill, but this was an AMAZING day for Bill. Zoey has reminded me a couple of times now that she’s jealous of Daddy because he gets to see Heaven first, and she wishes she could be at the big party she just knows Daddy is having in Heaven. Such wisdom from such a little girl. I hope we can all take comfort from her sweet words and know in our  hearts that Bill is right where he was made to be- at a big ole party praising God in Heaven.  

Bookworm K

Mouse Leah

Bon Bon Leah

The Daisy and the Brownie

Fall Family Photo

It's Been Too Long

Wow. I can’t believe it’s already November. I need to apologize for not updating in so long. I want to start off with a HUGE heartfelt thank you for all of the donations you sent for Bill’s birthday food drive. He would have been so incredibly humbled to see all of the food that went to the church to help so many families in need. I really don’t have the words. The girls were so excited each time we received a package, and in the days leading up to delivery day, Leah and Zoey colored pictures to “make the people getting the food happy and to let them know we love them.” All I can say is Thank you. THANK YOU for helping to teach our girls the gift of giving back. Not only will they remember your generosity, but they will know that because so many people love their daddy, many people in need will be helped. 

Just a small snapshot of all the donations

Some of the canned goods

We love you. Please like our food. 

Because I am so far behind in updating, I do want to mention one more special event that happened for Bill’s birthday. We were invited to a friend’s house for a get together, and to honor Bill she and her husband had the girls and I along with some other close friends help plant a “Brave Dogwood” tree in her yard. She said she picked that particular tree because of its name and because it reminded her of how brave Bill was during his fight. I can’t tell you how much this thoughtful, kind gesture means for the girls. One of the concerns I have had was how to keep Bill present for the girls- especially for Leah and Zoey since they were so young when he left for Boston. Moments like this- where they see people going out of their way to honor their amazing dad- show them how loved he was (and still is) by so many people. It gives them opportunities to hear stories about Bill- about the things that they didn’t get to see him do. (In this case it was Daddy as the “unskilled labor” (his words) helping a friend build a wine cellar/ basement for someone.)

The Brave Dogwood Tree

I feel like for kids who have both of their parents in their lives, these small moments may not be appreciated in the same way that my kids appreciate them. The girls soak in stories about Bill. Their eyes light up when people talk about him. They ask questions. They want so desperately to know him in any way that they can. And while, yes, it is heartbreaking for me to watch, I am SO appreciative of the moments where people are intentional to talk about Bill. I’ve said this before, but I can’t stress it enough. He WILL ALWAYS be part of our family. I talk about him every day. So, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, thank you. To those of you who still talk about Bill and still share your stories. THANK YOU. You are making such a difference for our girls.

So on that note… I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this next part. Please be forgiving if it comes across as less than positive. I’ll probably write some more about our summer at a later date, but I’m feeling the need to ask you once again for your prayers. This summer was great for the girls, but it had some really difficult moments for me. I had a sweet friend send me some pics of myself on FB and tell me how she loved the joy in my eyes despite everything that we’ve been through. It meant so much to me because in general I do choose joy, but the specific pictures she sent had so much pain behind them because of what was going on in the background of my life. I’m not going to elaborate much on that other than to say that the Lord continues to remind me that I am not in control of much. In my heart I know that giving Him the reigns is better for everyone, but sometimes is easier said than done. (You’d think this is a lesson that would be drilled down by now, but apparently I need constant reminders. And I wonder where our kids get their stubbornness from.)

In that same vein, I want to say that I understand that Bill has been gone for over a year. I also understand that some people have a low threshold for grief and its stages.  I also understand that sometimes well-intentioned people can say careless things that are hurtful without understanding the depth of pain that their words can cause.

I am thankful that the Lord has sent people into my life who have helped me move forward to a place where I am not angry, where I am not bitter, and where I have lots more moments that I am more hopeful for the future than I am devastated about the past. But I want to be very clear. I will never, NEVER be over losing Bill. I know that I can’t bring him back. But I also know that moving forward with whatever the Lord has planned for our lives in not the same thing as being “over” losing my husband and my girls’ father.

Our future is bright. We do have hope.  But I am reminded EVERY.SINGLE day that Bill is gone- and not just in the everyday moments like putting the girls to bed or sitting on the sofa alone at night. I’m reminded in a million different unexpected ways that completely cut me to the core. Not too long ago while we were walking home from school, out of nowhere Zoey asked me if she died when she was an old woman how would Daddy know it was her when she got to Heaven. She said that if she died now, Daddy would still recognize her and she knew he’d be waiting for her so he could give her lots of hugs and kisses as soon as he saw her. She said she didn’t want to leave me, but she wants to know that Daddy will know her.

Every night I make sure to say the exact same thing to Leah that Bill used to say before she’d go to bed. We talk about how Daddy used to say it, so Mama does it now so that she’ll remember. It’s only been in the last 6 months or so that Leah will even talk about Bill. And every so often she comes to me with tears in her eyes talking about how she misses when Daddy used to tickle and snuggle with her.

While we were at the beach this summer Kaleigh asked me a million times if Daddy would be proud of her for being in the waves or for climbing the dunes or for whatever else she was doing. Just yesterday she said she wished that she could go to Mexico for Dia de los Muertos because they believe the dead can visit you. She didn’t say it, but I know she is hoping that if she were to go to Mexico that somehow she could spend time with Daddy.

It’s overwhelming. Being responsible for these three precious little hearts trying to make sense of everything that has happened. Navigating these hundreds of moments that are constant reminders that he is not here. A friend once said it must be like living in a field full of emotional landmines. Never knowing when another one is going to go off. That’s exactly what it’s like. Don’t get me wrong… I am so thankful the girls feel free to ask any and all the questions and share the thoughts they have about Bill. That’s what I want them to do. I don’t ever want them to feel like they can’t share their thoughts and feelings. But I never know when they are going to happen. And I’m usually unsure of whether or not I’m handling them the best way.

So if you could please pray for me. For wisdom to know how to best guide our girls through all of the questions, fears, emotions, etc… that they experience every day. I know there is absolutely no way for me to anticipate all of the “emotional landmines,” but I am trying to take comfort in knowing that none of them are a surprise to God. My constant prayer is that He would give me the words to soothe the girls’ fears when they come up. If you could also pray just for me in general, I’d appreciate it.  I am learning that my heart is still much more fragile than I thought it was. Or maybe I’m learning just how shielded I have been in so many ways over the last few years. Either way… I’m hurting in ways I honestly never anticipated, and while I am on my knees every day, I would appreciate some back up in the prayer department. Thanks friends. You are all such a blessing to us. Thank you for continuing to sustain us as we walk the road of our new normal.