It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve written
several times, but have kept them close because I’m not sure if I’m ready to put
some of what I’ve been struggling with “out there” just yet. But a lot of
people have been checking in to see how we are, so I wanted to let you know we
are ok. The last couple of weeks have been pretty rough, but we are making it.
I hesitate to write this in a public forum, but I know many of you want
specifics on how you can pray, so here goes. Although the start of school has
been phenomenal, things at home the first couple of weeks took a major
nosedive. One of our sweet girls is struggling in so many ways. I am doing my
best to help her, but I’ve had to seek out some help from a counselor. (For
those of you who don’t know, I had the girls meet with someone not long after
Bill died because although I was working closely with a child psychologist in
Boston, I really felt like we needed someone local to actually see the girls.
Unfortunately, the first person was not a good fit AT ALL, and because of the
negative associations they had with seeing a counselor, I thought I’d give them
the summer and we’d reevaluate as necessary.) Needless to say… it has become
very necessary.
It’s one thing to struggle with trying to work through
losing your dad with a child who is capable of verbalizing her feelings. It’s
another thing entirely to try to help a child who uses physical aggression (only
at home- never with friends) to get her feelings out. From top to bottom the last two years have
been excruciating, and to watch my baby struggle so much and not be able to use
her words is awful. And on top of THAT having to endure hitting, kicking, screaming,
etc… on a daily basis makes for a
complete nightmare. Not a day has gone by that I don’t feel like I have failed
this precious girl. I know I couldn’t stop her from losing her Daddy, but I’m
still dealing with my own grief and I have been at such a loss as to how to
help her. It’s physically and mentally exhausting.
The new (wonderful) counselor
that I have been meeting with has been giving me strategies to use to try to
help with the physical aggression. She told me to magnify my feelings about
everything that’s happened by a zillion, and then I’d still only have half of
what sweet girls is probably feeling. (She said this as I sat sobbing in her
office asking her to help me. She said, “You
are an adult- someone who has had practice working through feelings and you are
still struggling in so many ways- think about your child and how young she is
and how she hasn’t had the same practice working through all the feelings.”) Her
take on it is that on some level, sweet girl is afraid I am going to leave her
too and she’s trying to make me prove to her that I will stay no matter what.
She said that although in her head she knows Daddy tried everything he could to
stay with us, her heart she still feels like he left her, and she may be afraid
I am going to “abandon her too.” You can imagine how heart wrenching that was
to process… first, that she may feel
like Bill abandoned her… because there is no father who fought harder than Bill
to be there for his girls… and then on top of that that she was scared I was
going to leave too. It’s not that I hadn’t thought about that before. Each one
of the girls has shown anxiety about me leaving or being gone too long in some
way. But to hear a professional say it, I don’t know. It just made it even more
sad.
After my first
session, I came home and asked sweet girl if she was worried I was going to
leave her. She said yes. And then when I asked her where she thought I was
going to go, she just pointed up. She then followed up by saying, “But you are
working out and eating right so you will stay healthy. Because you want to be
my mom for a long, long time. Right?” It
was heartbreaking. This precious girl with all of her bottled up feelings and
fears is scared that “she won’t have any parents anymore.” And as much as I
wanted to reassure her that I would be here for a long time, she and I both
know that no one can make those promises. It’s just one more kick in the gut.
The illusion of security is gone for her at such a young age. And it’s completely understandable why this
reality and these thoughts are contributing to her extreme behaviors. She doesn’t know what to do with the
feelings. (Now, I want to pause, and say
that this particular child has always been much more challenging. She has never
been a verbal “reasoner.” Her “go to” response has always been physical, so I
am not saying that Bill’s illness and death are the sole reason for it. But I
do think the trauma has caused those “big feelings” inside of her to be
magnified.)
So for those of you praying, please, please pray for my
precious baby. And for me. The strategies we are trying to implement are
showing some slow progress, but they are exhausting. And because I’m also working a lot more now
and trying to take care of more “businessy” things that have come up with
finances and accounts, I am at the end of my rope a lot more lately. Which
means my patience wears thin more quickly- which means I feel like a terrible
mom a lot of the time- because this is not who I was before. I’m not going to
say I didn’t ever lose it on my kids, but I feel like my fuse was much longer. If
you could also pray for the other two girls. My focusing so much on their
sister has started to become a bit of a sore spot in some ways. I just want to
do my best to help each one of them navigate through this… and it seems so
impossible some days.
I will say that this week has been much better because my
wonderful MIL came up to rescue me. I think she could sense through my text
messages at the end of last week that things were quickly unraveling, so she
came to give me some backup. And I am SO grateful. I’ve been able to make phone
calls, go to doctor’s appointments, a teacher conference, and get lots of other
stuff done that has been hanging over my head for a while. I’m hoping that I
can get enough off of my plate while she’s here to feel like I can move forward
with less stress. Thanks for your prayers and love. They continue to mean
everything.
