Praying for Our Sweet Girl

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve written several times, but have kept them close because I’m not sure if I’m ready to put some of what I’ve been struggling with “out there” just yet. But a lot of people have been checking in to see how we are, so I wanted to let you know we are ok. The last couple of weeks have been pretty rough, but we are making it. I hesitate to write this in a public forum, but I know many of you want specifics on how you can pray, so here goes. Although the start of school has been phenomenal, things at home the first couple of weeks took a major nosedive. One of our sweet girls is struggling in so many ways. I am doing my best to help her, but I’ve had to seek out some help from a counselor. (For those of you who don’t know, I had the girls meet with someone not long after Bill died because although I was working closely with a child psychologist in Boston, I really felt like we needed someone local to actually see the girls. Unfortunately, the first person was not a good fit AT ALL, and because of the negative associations they had with seeing a counselor, I thought I’d give them the summer and we’d reevaluate as necessary.) Needless to say… it has become very necessary.

It’s one thing to struggle with trying to work through losing your dad with a child who is capable of verbalizing her feelings. It’s another thing entirely to try to help a child who uses physical aggression (only at home- never with friends) to get her feelings out.  From top to bottom the last two years have been excruciating, and to watch my baby struggle so much and not be able to use her words is awful. And on top of THAT having to endure hitting, kicking, screaming, etc…  on a daily basis makes for a complete nightmare. Not a day has gone by that I don’t feel like I have failed this precious girl. I know I couldn’t stop her from losing her Daddy, but I’m still dealing with my own grief and I have been at such a loss as to how to help her. It’s physically and mentally exhausting. 

The new (wonderful) counselor that I have been meeting with has been giving me strategies to use to try to help with the physical aggression. She told me to magnify my feelings about everything that’s happened by a zillion, and then I’d still only have half of what sweet girls is probably feeling. (She said this as I sat sobbing in her office asking her to help me.  She said, “You are an adult- someone who has had practice working through feelings and you are still struggling in so many ways- think about your child and how young she is and how she hasn’t had the same practice working through all the feelings.”) Her take on it is that on some level, sweet girl is afraid I am going to leave her too and she’s trying to make me prove to her that I will stay no matter what. She said that although in her head she knows Daddy tried everything he could to stay with us, her heart she still feels like he left her, and she may be afraid I am going to “abandon her too.” You can imagine how heart wrenching that was to process… first,  that she may feel like Bill abandoned her… because there is no father who fought harder than Bill to be there for his girls… and then on top of that that she was scared I was going to leave too. It’s not that I hadn’t thought about that before. Each one of the girls has shown anxiety about me leaving or being gone too long in some way. But to hear a professional say it, I don’t know. It just made it even more sad.

 After my first session, I came home and asked sweet girl if she was worried I was going to leave her. She said yes. And then when I asked her where she thought I was going to go, she just pointed up. She then followed up by saying, “But you are working out and eating right so you will stay healthy. Because you want to be my mom for a long, long time.  Right?” It was heartbreaking. This precious girl with all of her bottled up feelings and fears is scared that “she won’t have any parents anymore.” And as much as I wanted to reassure her that I would be here for a long time, she and I both know that no one can make those promises. It’s just one more kick in the gut. The illusion of security is gone for her at such a young age.  And it’s completely understandable why this reality and these thoughts are contributing to her extreme behaviors.  She doesn’t know what to do with the feelings.  (Now, I want to pause, and say that this particular child has always been much more challenging. She has never been a verbal “reasoner.” Her “go to” response has always been physical, so I am not saying that Bill’s illness and death are the sole reason for it. But I do think the trauma has caused those “big feelings” inside of her to be magnified.)

So for those of you praying, please, please pray for my precious baby. And for me. The strategies we are trying to implement are showing some slow progress, but they are exhausting.  And because I’m also working a lot more now and trying to take care of more “businessy” things that have come up with finances and accounts, I am at the end of my rope a lot more lately. Which means my patience wears thin more quickly- which means I feel like a terrible mom a lot of the time- because this is not who I was before. I’m not going to say I didn’t ever lose it on my kids, but I feel like my fuse was much longer. If you could also pray for the other two girls. My focusing so much on their sister has started to become a bit of a sore spot in some ways. I just want to do my best to help each one of them navigate through this… and it seems so impossible some days.

I will say that this week has been much better because my wonderful MIL came up to rescue me. I think she could sense through my text messages at the end of last week that things were quickly unraveling, so she came to give me some backup. And I am SO grateful. I’ve been able to make phone calls, go to doctor’s appointments, a teacher conference, and get lots of other stuff done that has been hanging over my head for a while. I’m hoping that I can get enough off of my plate while she’s here to feel like I can move forward with less stress. Thanks for your prayers and love. They continue to mean everything.