Of Two Years

Gosh, it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I feel the need to maybe apologize and explain a little. When Bill and I started his CaringBridge page it was to keep everyone updated on how things were going with him and to ask people to pray for his health, etc… After he died, I knew that a lot of people were still praying for us and wanted to know how things were going- especially for the girls. And truth be told, it was a good outlet for me to hash through some of the things I was feeling… and it was still a place to ask for prayers- which we continue to desperately need.

I’ve taken kind of break from the blog for a couple of reasons. Time constraints being one of them, but if I’m being really honest, I had someone say some really hurtful things to me this summer about how I was just using Bill’s death as a way to get attention for myself. And while I know in my heart that this is not true (because I would give up any ounce of attention to have him back), it has given me pause for updating with what’s going on with us. Every time I’d think about writing, I’d stop and second guess my motives.

Recently, we’ve had several dear friends facing some potential health crises, and as I eagerly waited for updates on how they were doing, it occurred to me that maybe some of you who have been praying for us for almost 4 years now, felt that same way when we were writing about Bill’s journey. And that maybe some of you still genuinely do want to know how the girls are doing- and that no- I’m not attempting to just get attention for myself.

After confiding my feelings to a couple of close friends, and after several people over the past month or so have asked when I’m going to update again, I have obviously decided that it’s “ok” for me to continue, and that I need to dismiss that other voice inside my head.

Many of you know that today marks the second anniversary of Bill’s passing. In some ways it’s so hard to believe that it’s already been two years. And in other ways it’s hard to believe it’s ONLY been two years. Some days he feels so very far away, but then on other days I can hear his voice so clearly in my head/heart that it’s like he’s right here. Someone recently said to me that Bill and I balanced each other out. And no truer words have ever been spoken. One of the biggest struggles for me even two years later is not having his voice to give me “the other side.” My grandmother once said that I was “doer” and Bill was a “sitter,” and while it was a source of frustration for both of us at times, it really was such a strength in our marriage. He would help me give myself permission to sit and rest, and I would help “motivate” (he’d probably say nag ;) ) to go do things together. So now, without his voice telling me to stop and rest, I am often finding myself running ragged because of all the things I’m trying to get done or activities I have planned for the kids. And if I’m being really honest, I know that a lot of the weekend trips, etc… that we’ve taken are to help distract me too. Being in the house alone on the weekend is still a major struggle for me, so I have found that having plans is helpful (it’s the extravert in me, I’m sure.)

For those of you on Facebook, you’ve seen a lot of the things we’ve been up to, but I know many people who have kept up with us on the blog aren’t on FB, so I thought I’d give just a quick update on the things we’ve been doing lately.

The girls are growing into beautiful little ladies, and while we have lots of ups and downs, I know how proud Bill would be of the people they are becoming. We talk all the time about what Daddy would think of the activities they are involved in.

Back in the summer, Leah auditioned and was cast as a mouse and a Bon Bon in her dance company’s production of the Nutcracker. Anyone who knows Leah knows that the Nutcracker is her favorite thing in life, so being able to be a part of it really was a dream come true for her.  As I watched her eyes light up when she’d talk about it and while she was dancing, I just kept thinking about Bill and how excited he would be to see how happy she was. She is our sweat pea that has had so many challenges because of everything that has happened, and to see the joy bursting from her little body… well… there are really no words to describe it.

Kaleigh continues to be our book worm. The baseboards in her room are completely lost behind the stacks and stacks of books because she’s run out of room in her bookshelves (yes, she has a kindle, but she’s like her mama… she prefers reading actual books). She’s also continued her voice lessons and recently joined a band. (Heaven help me!) I know that Bill would be so incredibly proud of her for getting over her fear of singing in front of people (people who are not her parents… she won’t let me hear her sing because she says it’s too embarrassing and that I would be too excited which would be even more embarrassing… yes, folks, the tween has arrived!) But nonetheless, I know he would be so glad that K has finally found the thing that she enjoys doing too. My prayer is that it will become her creative outlet when she needs to get her emotions out.

Sweet Zoey is doing a great job in kindergarten. She’s also taking a dance class and will be dancing on the “big stage” this spring in her very first recital. She’s one of the youngest in the class, so sometimes the attention span is a little short, but I’ve been so surprised at how quickly she picks up the steps. She’s also a ROCK STAR at memorizing her scripture verses for AWANA. She’s finished her whole book for the year and is working on some extra verses now.

For those of you who pray for us, if I could ask you to pray for us today since this is the second anniversary. Kaleigh knows, but Leah and Zoey don’t. For the past two years I have always had a lot of anxiety about today because I wasn’t sure what to do. I have this instinct to just have it be a normal day and not make a big deal of it. I guess since we live with Bill’s absence every day, part of me wants to just be business as usual. (Which I know in my heart is ridiculous because the waves of emotion that have been crashing into me the last couple of days have left me reeling.) A dear friend told me that he hoped I could rest my heart today, so I’ve decided not to work at all, and a neighbor friend of mine and I are going out west for a couple of hours to enjoy the beautiful weather. I’m hoping it’s exactly what I’ll need. Just a little space from the daily routine, fresh air, mountain views. And then I think I’ll take the girls to Bill’s favorite restaurant for an early dinner. We’ll see.

So all of that is to say, if you could just pray for us today as we walk through this second anniversary. As I mentioned last year, this is a sad day for us because we lost Bill, but this was an AMAZING day for Bill. Zoey has reminded me a couple of times now that she’s jealous of Daddy because he gets to see Heaven first, and she wishes she could be at the big party she just knows Daddy is having in Heaven. Such wisdom from such a little girl. I hope we can all take comfort from her sweet words and know in our  hearts that Bill is right where he was made to be- at a big ole party praising God in Heaven.  

Bookworm K

Mouse Leah

Bon Bon Leah

The Daisy and the Brownie

Fall Family Photo