Wednesday, September 11, 2024

On Bill’s 9/11 post




 On Flight 93... Friday, April 28, 2006

By now, unless you eschew most forms of media, you are probably aware that the movie Flight 93 opens today. Chances are that you have already formed an opinion about the movie, or more directly, about the release of a movie that rehashes the events...and more importantly the emotions of 9/11. There have been a line up of folks that have come out in support and have come out...if not against, then at least questioning a studio’s motives.

I will admit, before this week I did have some idea that this movie was releasing soon, but had not really thought too much about my feelings towards it. That is not surprising. I’m an emotional procrastinator. I don’t think about how I will or should feel about something until the moment before the “event”. I think it is safe to say that I’m not against emotions...I can, from time to time, be quite emotional. A well-cooked slab of some sort of meat makes me quite joyful and even a bit weepy. Not putting the puck into a wide- open net can make me quite vitriolic. Overall though, I like my Delayed Emotional Response policy even when it sometimes bites me in the glutemous regions.

I will not be going to see Flight 93. That was really a forgone conclusion since I haven’t been to a theater in nigh on a year now. Even though I see an unhealthy amount of movies in a year, they are almost solely on the small screen. The arrival of an infant daughter precludes most forms of going out, and theater attendance has evaporated. However, what I mean is, even if given the chance to, I don’t think I would see it at this time. I’m not sure I’ll even rent it when it comes out...

...and it’s not because I think the movie is too soon, or that I have a problem with a movie studio making a movie about 9/11 that will ultimately profit the company. I’ve done some research. I know that the director, Paul Greengrass, received the unanimous consent of the families of Flight 93 victims to make the movie. That makes this their collaborative effort...it makes it their story. I also know that 10% of the profit will go to the memorial fund for the victims. In addition, I like that none of the actors seem to have done this for a big payday. In fact, most of the folks apparently aren’t really actors...or at least not A list folks. I would have a huge problem if Brad Pitt or another very popular actor had done the film and made their usual salary. Not to disparage Mr. Pitt, I’m just using him as an example. I’d still like to see the studio do more with the profit than just 10%, but if the families thought that was fair, I’m not going to be overly picky.

By all accounts, Flight 93 appears to be a major success too. Critics or giving it huge praise. I’m not sure how you really “criticize” this movie, especially as an American. I suppose if the actors had really been poor...like a made for TV movie, that one might pile on criticism. However, I do tend to believe what I’m hearing that Flight 93 is very well made and does honor to those involved...especially because it avoids the political. Frankly, I find that astounding in and of itself. No, that was not a jab at Hollywood. That is a statement that the director stuck to facts, let the audience decide (as they probably already have) who the fault lies with, and simply tells a story of brave folks in a really, really @&$%# day.

I will not see this movie because it is too soon for me. Remember that Delayed Emotional Response policy I spoke of earlier? Well, that comes into play for me in a big way when talking about 9/11. As many of you know, had the plane that struck the Pentagon beenabout 25 to 50 feet to the left of where it actually impacted, I would definitely not be here. I’ve meant to write down my experiences on 9/11 for a long time now. I think most people in this country have had that same thought, or have actually done it. I haven’t, and I think I haven’t because of my delayed emotional response. Over the past five years, it has increasingly dawned on me how lucky I was/am.

I don’t know why God makes the decisions He makes. You may not believe He exists, so I’ll state it another way. I don’t know why I got so damn lucky when hundreds of other folks were not. I do know that a series of fortuitous events/facts saved my two months married wife from receiving really bad news. Rapping my head around that has been a five-year experience so far, and I’m still not quite there. As my marriage has progressed and I’ve become a father, I think the realization of the things I could have missed set in. And, I think ultimately why I never wrote down my thoughts or feelings about that day is because they were so different than what most of the country was feeling...and I felt a little guilty about that.

My experience on 9/11 was one of horrified exuberance. I know that may sound insane, or even completely wrong to you, so allow me to explain. I’ll start at the beginning. I had arrived in office at about the time I normally do that day. My usual routine was to see if there was anything “hot” that had come in the after I had left the day before, or that had come in early that morning. Usually there wasn’t and this day was no different. Once I’d established that a light workday appeared to be on the horizon, I settled into getting a quality and, of course, healthy breakfast....Mt Dew and Pop Tarts. I am truly a physical specimen magnificent to behold. While I ate this essence of good dietry, I started to surf the web.

My first sites are typically movie news. I don’t know why, this was even pre-Netflix. I guess I just like to get the light stuff out of the way early. Besides, for some reason, CNN was just not loading for me that morning. WashingtonPost.com was also slow for some reason. I can’t even remember what movie I was interested in at the time, but once I had received the latest low down, I tried CNN and the WP again. No dice on CNN, but the Post came up...sort of. All I got was a headline that read “Plane Hits World Trade Center”. I commented to my boss, a Lt Col who sits next to me about it. We wondered, how could a Cessna not see these two giant buildings in New York. Maybe it was some sort of deranged protest. It had happened at the White House once. We had no idea, and the thought that it was a jetliner never crossed our minds.

Still, we went into the Colonel’s office to check out the footage since it was obvious this news was what was slowing down all the news websites. When we turned on the TV, I think it was already set to NBC or something. I just remember seeing the plane hit the World Trade Center, and the announcer saying that this was a visual of the second plane hitting the other building. We had literally just turned on the TV set, so our eyes hadn’t even seen that there was already a burning hole in the first building.

I think you know what happened then. It was a lot like what happened in your personal experience. The room was silent on the realization that this was no accident...and certainly no Cessna. Questions bubbled in my brain as it did yours. Were there people in that plane? How many people where in those buildings...or on those floors? Can those buildings possible stay standing? But there was also a significant difference that I don’t think a lot of people had. War had been declared before our eyes, and I was standing in probably the one building besides the White House and Capitol where that realization would impact the most. And what I sensed from those around me, especially those in uniform was not panic, or anger...it wasn’t even fear. It was determination. Not wild, emotion driven determination either. It was the realization that something was happening that could directly affect some of the personnel in the room first hand, and they were determined to do their duty.

Before I go further, I don’t want to give the impression that the office I support as a contractor is a war fighting office. We are responsible for two programs: Arms Control and Counterproliferation (think Counter-WMD). Most of the officers I work with are former satellite or nuclear missile officers, although we did have a few bomber pilots/co- pilots/navigator types. Basically, folks who would have first hand knowledge of nuclear weapons in the Air Force. Since most of the treaties affecting the Air Force deal with the reduction of nuclear missiles, that makes sense. So you can see that a declaration of war, such as 9/11, would not directly impact our office in a policy way. It did end up impacting Counterproliferation though.

We watched footage of the attack for a few minutes. It then dawned on me that I might want to call my parents to see if they were aware of what was going on. My wife was in the middle of teaching class, so I could not reach her...and I figured that word had spread by that point. I called my Mom and ended up waking her up, so she was totally unaware. I waited as she turned on the TV. She was stunned, as was the normal response that day. I don’t remember much else about our conversation, but I do remember her telling me to get out of the Pentagon. I also remember my response: “Mom, they aren’t going to attack the Pentagon”. I believed that too. It was stunning that “they” could get a hold of two airliners...but I was sure it was impossible that they would have hijacked more.

Flight 77 hit the Pentagon roughly five to ten minutes later. I had just left the Col’s office again after watching a little bit of footage. I was looking back at him saying something when the building shook. I couldn’t see his window, but I could see the reflection on the wall and hit had gone completely orange for a couple of seconds. I turned to look over at my desk, which did have a window. The blinds were drawn, but I could tell the fire was flickering outside my window and dust or smoke started to come through the cracks at the bottom.

At the time my office was divided into two actual offices. I sat in the “main office” that held the Colonel, his deputy, the MSgt that basically ran the office logistically, and my direct boss a Lt Col who was in charge of the budget. I supported him directly. The rest of the office that handled policy was directly across the hall from us. It sat about 20 or 30 Air Force officers and contractors.

The MSgt had been across the hall watching the footage there. Seconds after the building was hit, he busted into the main office door and told everyone to get out. That was a foregone conclusion, but still, he was our security manager. I remember my first three steps being all jelly legs as the realization that something...a bomb, a helicopter (the helicopter pad was on that side of the Pentagon at the time) or another plane had just hit us. One thing was for sure, it was no accident and now we were pretty much all thinking that anything could happen that day.

At the end of the hall we took a left to go towards the outer ring, the E Ring. We were on the D Ring on the top floor (floor 5) and coming down the 5th corridor I believe. Smoke and dust had really started do come in. I vaguely recollect and Marine officer directing people towards the staircase down to the ground floor. At that point, I still didn’t realize that our side of the building had been hit, or even how bad it was. But when we got down to the ground floor, a number of Pentagon Police officers were directing us not to go out the set of doors that were right there, but to go into the center of the building and work our way to the Metro, South or North Parking exits. Along with two other guys from my office, we actually listened to that instruction and went towards the center of the building. The rest of my office basically said “screw that noise, those doors look perfectly fine to me” and exited the building...and saw the impact site, the detritus of what little of the plane remained and made a bee line for Ft. Myer a couple of miles away. The somewhat amusing ending to their story is that they ended up going to the Officer’s Club and succeeding in getting the bar open. I could relate, a drink wouldn’t have been a bad thing at that moment.

Separated, I made my way to the Metro exit. There was a glut of folks there trying to get out. Later, I would really recognize the total difference between the attack in NY and the attack on the Pentagon. There was almost no panic at the Pentagon. It was insane how orderly we exited the building through one set of double doors. Behind me folks were talking about the work they needed to get done once they were allowed back in. That is not a sad commentary on how driven folks are in DC...it is an amazing statement about the resilience exhibited. They new, as well as I did, that suddenly much of what they were doing would matter...not in the abstract, but in the present. It was the realization that not only had war been declared, but that this building, the one that had been hit, was not out of commission and would play prominently in a future response.

The rest of the day I basically made my way, over three hours, to a pay phone where I called a friend. He had been in contact with both my wife and my family and quickly relayed the message back to them that I was alright. This was a real blonde moment for me. No offense to blondes of course. I don’t know if it was shock or what, but I was definitely aware of what was going on around me, and oddly, there was no place that I’d rather be. It never occurred to me that my family was going insane with worry, or that my wife was probably slightly interested in my well being. I remember distinctly being told to walk away further and further from the building because another plane, Flight 93 it turned out, was unaccounted for and heading our way. I remember F-16s flying overhead, including one that “buzzed” the Pentagon. I’m not sure why he did, but I like to think that was his way of telling us “I’m on it.” I remember some kid walking onto a now dead stopped I-395 that goes right by the Pentagon and waving a huge American flag.

Finally, I remember getting to that same friends house with my wife and watching what had happened over the entire day. I never saw the towers fall down. The panic and total chaos, although not unseen around the Pentagon, was nothing like that. In a lot of ways, I think 9/11 was more terrible for the folks that could only sit there and watch it unfold, and especially for those who had loved ones unaccounted for.

I could not have been more proud of my country than that day, in that area. A lot went so entirely wrong not just to get us in that situation, but in the handling of our response. Our response to the crisis that day was so disjointed, mostly because we had never dealt with it. I believe the movie Flight 93 shows some of that...not as indictment, but just as a fact. But here at the Pentagon, if it was chaos, it was inspiring, determined and effective chaos. It shows exactly why we have one of the best, if not the best military in the world. It showed that while I may disagree with some of the leadership, both civilian and military, there is no place I’d rather work.

But years away from that day, I don't really want to revisit it...not yet. Flight 93 shows exactly how strong we can actually be as a people. It shows folks that really did save the country from further death and destruction by their own sacrifice. I truly hope that the movie can do it justice as I hear that it has. While I can't bring myself to see it, I do believe in the idea of people remembering that day, and that there was some really beautiful things that happened, even in the midst of terror and chaos.



Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Of Six Years Without Bill

What to say? I honestly don’t even know. Six years without you. Six years since I watched you take your last breath over Facetime because there was no time to get to Boston to be with you. I know you wanted me to be with the girls when it happened because you always put them first, and I’m so glad your parents were there so you weren’t alone. But I wanted to be the one to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you and that it was ok. That you had fought harder than anyone could. And that we would be ok.

You wouldn’t even recognize these girls of yours now. Kaleigh in HIGH SCHOOL with all the angst that goes with it- but with a heart of gold underneath it all. She still reminds me so much of you. Her eyes. They take my breath away sometimes because I swear it’s you peaking through. At the same time she is her own person for sure. 

Leah has now lived half her life without you. We’ve had so many ups and downs, but she’s doing so well. Her sweet, sensitive heart is on full display all the time. And you wouldn’t believe how she shines on stage. I’m so thankful that I can tell her every year about how you moved heaven and earth to get to her recital when she was 4- despite the pain you were in. And goodness, I don’t even know where to start with Zoey. She is witty, compassionate, joyful, and dramatic. Good lord, the drama. You would get such a kick out of her. I imagine how you’d laugh (and hide) from our estrogen-filled house. I miss the balance of having you here.

Leah asked me the other day if we ever kissed in front of them. And I said absolutely, yes. Just because
we wanted to hear them say “EWWWWWWW.” And then I told her how we’d dance in the kitchen together and how you used to do your own routine to that Selena Gomez song just to make them laugh. I try so hard to channel you, but I know it’s not the same. (They tell me I’m weird and embarrassing all the time, so I guess I’m getting some of it right.)

I love that some of our friends still share stories about you. There is SO much material out there. Ha! I just got a text today from someone reminding me of how you used to make us girls order your "frufru" drinks so you wouldn’t have your man-card revoked. Still makes me smile to think about it. I hope the girls will really listen to people’s stories and remember them so they can get a better sense of who you were. In some ways, you are still so present for me that it’s hard when I realize it’s not the same for them. Kaleigh went rummaging in your t-shirts not long ago and was surprised at the size of them. “How tall WAS Daddy?” It never occurred to me that they don’t have a sense of your physical size. It actually broke my heart.

All I can say is that I am trying every day to honor you, babe. To tell the girls our stories and to answer the questions they have. I’m so thankful for the time we got with you, but the more time passes the more like a dream you feel. Some days I think I’m filling the void ok, and then other times it’s so clear that they don’t really understand “dads.” It’s in those moments I think I grieve the most. Because you were the BEST dad, and no matter what I do, I can’t give them the experience of knowing what it’s like to live in a home with a father that loves them and fights for them. I continue to be so grateful for the men who show up for us. I’m thankful that the girls see glimpses and flashes of what it means to have a dad around, but it’s still hard to think about how it could have been.

Friends, thanks to everyone who reached out today. I decided to work to keep my mind off of the day. As you know, I always think I’ll do better than I usually do but being able to be with my “kids” at school was a great distraction. They have filled me with such laughter and fun over the past year- despite the circumstances of Covid. We continue to appreciate all of your prayers. We are so blessed to have you in our lives.





Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Of Needed Prayers and Bill’s Birthday Food Drive

Friends,

It’s hard to believe it’s already time for the food drive in honor of Bill’s birthday. I’ll explain more about what we are doing for that in a minute, but I wanted to take some time to update you on how things are going here. I know there are some people who aren’t on Facebook who ask from time to time how things are going, and since I haven’t had time to really write, I thought this would be a good opportunity. I’m not even sure where to start, except to say that we continue to be thankful for the amazing village we have been blessed with. Things have been very overwhelming lately, and I truly wouldn’t be standing if it were not for the people who continue to encourage and walk alongside us. I keep thinking that four years into “life without Bill” should mean that things are easier… but just when I feel like one “fire” is starting to burn itself out, another one pops up. Out of respect for the “Peas” privacy, I will just say that one of them is really, REALLY struggling. I mean, if I’m being honest, each one of them struggles at different times and to different degrees, but one of them is really having a hard time right now. And I am having a hard time knowing how best to help her. I’m not going to lie. Being the only parent and not knowing if I’m making the right decisions is very overwhelming. Everything rests on my shoulders… for all three of them. (And yes, my amazing Christian friends, I know that ultimately I need to give it over to God… and I have, but I am still the one that has to make and carry through on the decisions about school, friends, appointments, homework, activities, etc…) The weight of it all has gotten very heavy. It is impossibly hard to watch your child struggle and not be able to fix it. I’ve actually gotten used to the littles crying for Daddy. It happens almost every day, so I’ve had to become numb to it. I’ve had to uncomfortably apologize when one of the Peas asked a friend’s dad if she could call him “Daddy.” I’ve had to compartmentalize the “Why are we the only ones without dads?" and Why didn’t God want us to have a daddy who was alive like everyone else” questions after the girls go to Daddy/ Kid events with the amazing men who love them in Bill’s place. And I have had to accept that all of these things have become part of our normal life. But when something out of the blue pops up that causes one of them to struggle, it is really hard. They’ve already had to endure so much, I just want things to be easy or at least “less hard” for them. And maybe I want things to be “less hard” for me too. Bill was my rock. He made me feel safe. When I felt overwhelmed or scared he could hold me tight and I would know that things would be ok. It’s a really lonely place to be having to do this all on my own. And it’s exhausting. I feel like I am constantly fighting. And I'm tired of fighting.  So, if you are a person of prayer, I would really appreciate you praying for us. For strength, endurance, wisdom, and peace. I keep reminding myself that everything is temporary and that God has it, but it’s still really hard.

Because I try really hard to focus on the positives, though, I thought I would share a few of the highlights as of late. This year, Leah has been dancing her little heart out on her studio’s competition team. And next year, Zoey thinks she might like to try it. Leah and I have had two special weekends away together for her competitions which was really cool (thank you to the friends and family that watched the other two). Zoey is a total ham and has recently decided she wants to go on American Ninja Warrior (ha!). Kaleigh is now THIRTEEN… enough said. J She continues to be a tender-hearted, bookworm just like her Daddy. 
Ready for the Daddy/Daughter Dance with Mr.
Dave and his awesome girls     

Leah before her first dance competition

Casting Crowns concert in Richmond
 And speaking of her Daddy, today would have been his 44th birthday. So, in honor of the day that gave us Bill, we are kicking off our annual food drive in his honor. The girls look forward to this every year, and they are super excited this year because we are focusing on providing snacks for the kids at the elementary school that our church supports-which means kids their age will be benefitting from the food drive.  Bill would be so honored to know that children in need will be provided for in his memory. So if you feel so inclined, please feel free to donate anything from the list below. Please note that items should be individually wrapped so the snacks can be distributed to students.  
Our address is 26028 Pembrooke Circle, Chantilly VA 20152. We will be collecting items until May 10th. 

Oh- and here's a link to the video from the girls and some friends gathering and delivering the items you were so generous to donate last year!


                                                             2018 Food Drive- Thank You!


Thank you so much!
Love, Dana and the Peas

Guilford Elementary School Snack Donation List
** All items should come in individual packs
Go Go Squeeze Apple Sauce
Granola Bars (no nuts or peanut butter)
Goldfish
Fruit Snacks
Pretzels
Kraft Crackers ‘n Cheese
Animal Crackers
Cheeze Its
Veggie Straws
Pirate Booty

Sunday, March 17, 2019

Of Creative Friends and Bill in a Comic!

It’s been a really long time since I’ve written. As you can imagine life has been hectic as usual. There have been so many times I wanted to update and then time just slipped away from me. I have so many things to write about but first I want to thank all of you for your donations last year to the food drive in Bill’s honor. We plan to do it again this year, but I’ll send out some more info on that later.
It’s so incredibly hard to believe that Bill has been gone for four years. He is so present in our everyday lives that the time has just flown. We continue to be so thankful for the village of people that God has provided us with. Which brings me to this post. I know I have said over and over again throughout the last five years how amazing our friends are. Not only are they amazing, but they are so creative and they come up with ways to honor Bill that just blow my mind.  
If you knew Bill you knew that he had some childhood brothers that he carried with him throughout his life. Also, if you knew Bill, you knew he liked comic books- a love that he shared with Kaleigh. Well, three of Bill’s brothers (Dan, Mike, and Jimmy) reached out to me to see if I could get the word out about a project they have been working on to get Bill written into a comic book. When they told me about it my jaw hit the floor. What an incredible way to honor Bill. And when I told Kaleigh about it… well… you can imagine how she reacted. Daddy IN a comic book?!?!?! What could be more awesome?

I am super sick right now, so rather than me explain it, Dan was awesome and wrote for me to post.  

From Dan:


I came across Ben Bishop, the comic book artist, a few years ago while on Instagram.  He was posting great pictures of teenage mutant ninja turtles that I really liked.  I especially like when he draws characters like the turtles, transformers and GI Joe from my childhood.  He had recently completed a choose-your-own-adventure style graphic novel called The Aggregate that was funded on Kickstarter.  Ben went on to do covers and eventually art for whole issues of the ninja turtle comics.  His work on the turtles linked him up with Kevin Eastman, co-creator of the turtles.  The two of them, along with a writer and a few others started a comic on Kickstarter called Drawing Blood.  This was the first time I had even sponsored a Kickstarter and the comic turned out amazing!  Ben did a large portion of the art for that comic and it really is beautiful.  
Linked Ben Bishop Covers for a TMNT macro series



Just this month, Ben started a new campaign for The Aggregate 2.  Having read The Aggregate 1 and been a supporter of Drawing Blood, I was really excited to be a part of this one.  When the campaign kicked off, I went to the site to check out the levels of sponsorship.  One thing I like about Ben in addition to his art, is his sense of humor… which comes through the books he works on.  His campaign included lots of ways for supporters to become part of the comic, including having your cat drawn into the book and making you a character that dies a horrible death.  The one option that caught my eye was having a supporting hero or villain in the story.  For some reason, I thought to myself, man it would be cool to put Bill in this comic.  So I sent a text to Mike and Jim and said: “Hey, I want to put Bill in a comic, do you want to chip in?”  Of course, they said yes… because who doesn’t want to read comics with their friends in them?  For me comics aren’t just stories and art, they are ways to connect with things that are important to me.  Comics have had a special place in my life and part of that includes connecting me to important times in high school, sitting at Jim’s house reading comics and playing video games.  Bill would usually take a prime spot on the bed with a Dark Knight comic while the rest of us took turns rotating between reading and playing on the Mac.  It doesn’t sound like much, but for me it was probably the best place I could have been at that time.  Those times and people are rare and I don’t ever want to forget that.Things have changed in life and I can’t just hop on my bike and ride to Jim’s house to read comics anymore, but I can still connect back to those moments.  So, I guess this is what it’s all about for me.  I can’t say what seeing Bill in a post-apocalyptic comic will mean for everybody, but I hope it will make them smile and connect with something that Bill meant to them.  

There may because specific questions about the comic and Kickstarter in general.  I can’t answer a lot about The Aggregate 2, as it hasn’t even been written yet.  But I’ve read The Aggregate 1 and it a science fiction story set in a “Mad Max” like future.  It does have graphic violence and adult language, so I won’t be sharing it completely with my little guys.  The choose your own adventure style is unique for comics and makes the experience another throw-back to my childhood (make sure you save your page just in case you make the wrong decision!)  The Aggregate 1 took about 2 years to complete so I suspect that this will be about the same.  Ben is a hard worker, but also a one man show for this project (he may have another artist do colors).  I’ve reached out to him and let him know that we wanted to include Bill in the comic and he is excited and respectful about what we are trying to do. 

If other people want to own a copy of The Aggregate 2, starring Bill, the easiest way is to support the Kickstarter. 
$25 will get you a signed copy of the book as soon as it is finished and can ship out.  There are tons of other options (including a $10 digital copy only).  If they directly support the project, that will help them get all updates on the project which is one of the fun parts of Kickstarter.  If people don’t want to directly support the project, I can add copies to my current pledge for the same price of $25 each, but that will mean more logistics and shipping for me to take care of at the end of the project.  Kickstarter does take a little bit of faith, but Ben has a track record of good projects, so I am confident that he will see this through. 

The Aggregate 2 Kickstarter Campaign: (runs through the end of March)
                                                   




Monday, April 9, 2018

Happy Birthday, Babe. Bill's Annual Birthday Food Drive


I can’t believe it’s been a year since I’ve update the blog. There are so many things I've meant to write about, but time has just gotten the better of me.  It’s even harder to believe that Bill’s been gone for just over 3 years now. He is still so present in our everyday lives, that when I stop and think about it… THREE years. It’s just really hard to believe.

This year has been filled with the usual up and downs. It would be impossible to truly talk about everything, but I’ll try to share a few highlights for those of you who aren’t on Facebook.
This year marked the start of middle school for Kaleigh. (What?!) I have no idea how that happened. She loves her school and has made a ton of new friends. I keep saying she’s a mini-Bill in every possible way. She doing well academically with very minimal effort (much to her mother’s dismay.) We are now dealing with all the typical tween things and all the fun that comes along with that. When things get intense, I often look around for Bill- knowing that he would be laughing at me and all the attitude I have to dodge daily. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, but when Bill found out that K was going to be a girl he didn’t speak the rest of the day because the idea of having a daughter terrified him. When I finally asked him if he was ok, the first words uttered were, “Well, the good news is, when she’s a teenager, she’ll hate you, but I’ll get to be the hero.” (Thanks, babe.) And let me tell you… Daddy is most definitely still the hero around here. While Mom is Public Enemy #1. Having said that, he would be so incredibly proud of the young lady she is becoming- kind, well-read, witty, and full of love.
Beautiful K before her Choral Concert
This year has been a bit of a roller coaster for sweet Leah. We have had a lot of challenges that have emerged due to where she is in her grief and how it impacts her every day, but with the help of her AMAZING teacher, school staff, and other people who love her she is really flourishing. She continues to dance and LOVES every minute of it. She was in the Nutcracker again this year, and she is super excited about her upcoming recital because she’s gets to perform to some of the music from her newest favorite movie- The Greatest Showman.
All dressed up for the Spanish Dance in the Nutcracker

The littlest pea started first grade this year, which is SO hard to believe. She is doing great academically and has made lots of friends. She continues to be a bundle of smiles, giggles, and energy. And the Lord continues to use her to remind me to look for joy in all the small things. She still loves to talk about Daddy and she loves when I share stories or FB memories with comments that he’s made about her. I will say that developmentally we have hit a stage where she is really internalizing that a piece of her family is missing. She notices when other kids her age have their dads around and she gets sad a lot because she feels that emptiness. Because of this sadness, we are dealing with some challenges that we hadn’t dealt with before, but I am praying that we can navigate them in a healthy way. (If you think about it, please pray for her sweet heart. And please pray that her counselor and I can ease some of her sadness and give her some strategies to help her when she feels upset.)


ZoZo and her butterfly friend 


Things with me are ok. If I’m being honest, “only parenting” is waring me down. Each sweet pea is so different in their needs that I am completely wiped out by the end of most days. I am so thankful for my friends who continue to send encouraging notes or come over to give me breaks. I know I am doing the best I can most days, but I just worry that my best isn’t enough. I can’t make up for Bill not being here. They are missing the most important man in their lives, and because only half the “team” is here, I often wonder if I am making the right choices for them. Shouldering all of it all the time can be so overwhelming, but again, I am thankful for the friends and family I call my “Bill surrogates”- people who try to channel him for me so I can get as close to his perspective as possible. Especially in moments where the girls just REALLY need their dad. One of the peas got glasses this year and was so excited about them, until the insecurities set in about not looking good or worrying that people would make fun of her. All I could think was “she needs Bill. She needs him to tell her she is beautiful. She needs his strong arms around her to give her security and confidence.” (Of course, I was doing all of those things for her too, but my voice doesn’t always carry as much weight these days.) I am so thankful for two of Bill’s guy friends who stepped in and told her all the things Daddy would have told her and gave her those hugs.  Bittersweet and beautiful all at the same time. 



Anyway, I could go on and on, but this post is about Bill’s birthday. Today he would have been 43. So, to celebrate this great day, we are continuing our tradition of doing a food drive in his honor to benefit the Reston Bible Church Food Pantry where he used to volunteer. You all have been so generous in the past, and I truly can’t thank you enough. Not only are you helping us honor their amazing Daddy, but you are helping the girls understand how important it is to give back. They look forward to his birthday every year because they get excited when they see all of the donations that come in to help other people in Bill’s name. The list has changed a little bit this year, and because it is smaller, I am also adding some additional snack items that our church provides to students at one of the local elementary schools.  I can’t imagine a better way to honor Bill than to help feed kids who are in need.

Thank you so much for all of your continued support. I know I say this all the time, but you have helped sustain us over the past 4+ years with your prayers, encouragement, and love. We are so thankful for each and every one of you.

We will collecting items from now until May 10th. As always, I’d love it if you would send the items to our home so the girls can take part in delivering them, or you can donate them directly to the church. (See below for the lists and a video of the girls helping with the drive last year.) Thank you!

                                                            2017 Food Drive for Bill's Birthday Video Link 

Food Pantry Items:
Dry black beans
1 or 3 lbs bags of white rice
64 oz canola oil
Canned Corns
Tuna
Masa Corn Flour

Guildford Elementary Snack Pack Items: (Individually packaged):
Go Go Squeeze Apple Sauce
Goldfish
Granola Bars (No nuts or Peanut Butter)
Fruit Snacks
Pretzels
Animal Crackers
Cheeze-Its
Veggie Straws
Pirate Booty

Monday, April 10, 2017

More Bill and His Birthday Food Drive

I want to start by thanking all of you for your prayers and kind words after my last post. February 23rd was a good day for all of us. I was able to go out to a winery with a friend and just take a moment to get away from it all. There’s something about being outside away from NOVA that lets me exhale a little.  It was exactly what I needed. Later that night we ended up going to dinner at Bill’s favorite restaurant. I had left the decision up to Kaleigh, and after hemming and hawing for a long time, at the last minute she decided she did want to go. We even had some good friends come with us, and one of them ordered Bill’s favorite dish in honor of him. I know it goes without saying, but we have been so blessed along the way with wonderful people to love us. Our friend doesn’t usually order that particular meal, but he did to honor Bill. And it wasn’t lost on me or the girls.

A lot has gone on since that day, but I’ll try to catch up on that at another time. I meant to get this entry up last week, but I am slowly recovering from pneumonia, so it has taken me longer to do than I had originally expected. (I’m fine and the girls have been amazing while I’ve been sick.)

A few months ago I had to go through all of our pictures to find some to submit for Kaleigh’s fifth grade graduation (what?!). And I came across a disposable camera that she had taken to Kindergarten. I hadn’t had it developed, so I went ahead and took it in. Part of me was hoping I’d find a cute picture or two that I could submit of Kaleigh. But another part of me realized that there may be a picture of Bill on there that no one had seen. He had volunteered in her class, and the more I thought about it, the more I hoped and hoped that there would be one new picture of Bill. And then I started wondering why I was spending so much time thinking and hoping about a picture on a disposable camera from six years ago. Seemed a little silly. But then I realized that what I really wanted was “more” Bill in the world. After 20 years of knowing him, I feel like I have probably seen most of the pictures there are or will ever be of Bill. So this little camera had the potential to bring “more Bill” into the world for me and the girls. Sadly, when the pictures came back there weren’t any of him, and truthfully, because the camera was so old, the quality of the pictures on there were really bad anyway.

But it’s amazing how God knows what you need right when you need it. A few weeks after this happened, I was having a pretty crummy day and I got a text from one of my best friends who didn’t know anything about the disposable camera or the pictures I was hoping for. She had been cleaning out her house and had stumbled across some pictures of Bill at her wedding. She sent a couple via text and all I could do was just stare and cry. He was so healthy. So strong. So happy. So… Bill. And it was exactly what I had wanted. More of Bill in the world. I showed the girls and they were all so excited to see Daddy looking so happy and handsome. And my friend even sent the hard copies to us so we can have them forever. (Thank you Heather, you will never know how much these pictures really mean to us.)

                                               


Over the past couple of weeks as I thought about today- the day Bill would have turned 42, I thought about that phrase “more Bill in the world.” And while I know that we can’t actually have more of Bill physically, we can continue to do the things he would have done if he were here. I wasn’t sure if we were going to do another food drive this year, but as I thought about how many people were helped last year by your generosity and about what an amazing example it was for the girls, I decided that the food drive is exactly what we should do to honor Bill.

Kaleigh and I went to a Casting Crowns concert a week or so ago, and the lead singer was talking about his kids and how some things are taught and how some things are caught when you are a kid watching your parents. I teach the girls all the time the importance of being generous and putting others before themselves. But I think it’s the stuff that is “caught” that can be the most powerful in their lives for the long haul. And I know that last year, watching all of the donations pour in was one of those “caught” moments for the girls. They still talk about how Daddy used to volunteer at the Food Pantry and about how they can help just like he did with his birthday food drive.

So friends, if you are so inclined, we would love it if you would consider donating to the food drive for RBC’s food pantry in honor of Bill. I spoke to the coordinator and she sent the following list of high priority items that are needed. The snack items at the bottom of the list would go to support kids in one of the local elementary schools who we provide snacks for during the school day.

Instant Coffee
Diapers
Baby Wipes
Dry Black Beans
Canola Oil
Sugar

Goldfish
Pirate's Booty
Cheeze Its
Veggie Straws
Fruit Snacks
Teddy Grahams


If you drop off or send your items to our house (if you need our address let me know) just like last year, then sometime around the middle of May, the girls and I will make sure that everything gets delivered to the church. If you would prefer to send a gift card, the food pantry coordinator said they could use it to buy the necessary items as well. Thank you so much for your consideration and your generosity from last year. I am excited to see how many people we can help this year in honor of Bill. 

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Of Two Years

Gosh, it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I feel the need to maybe apologize and explain a little. When Bill and I started his CaringBridge page it was to keep everyone updated on how things were going with him and to ask people to pray for his health, etc… After he died, I knew that a lot of people were still praying for us and wanted to know how things were going- especially for the girls. And truth be told, it was a good outlet for me to hash through some of the things I was feeling… and it was still a place to ask for prayers- which we continue to desperately need.

I’ve taken kind of break from the blog for a couple of reasons. Time constraints being one of them, but if I’m being really honest, I had someone say some really hurtful things to me this summer about how I was just using Bill’s death as a way to get attention for myself. And while I know in my heart that this is not true (because I would give up any ounce of attention to have him back), it has given me pause for updating with what’s going on with us. Every time I’d think about writing, I’d stop and second guess my motives.

Recently, we’ve had several dear friends facing some potential health crises, and as I eagerly waited for updates on how they were doing, it occurred to me that maybe some of you who have been praying for us for almost 4 years now, felt that same way when we were writing about Bill’s journey. And that maybe some of you still genuinely do want to know how the girls are doing- and that no- I’m not attempting to just get attention for myself.

After confiding my feelings to a couple of close friends, and after several people over the past month or so have asked when I’m going to update again, I have obviously decided that it’s “ok” for me to continue, and that I need to dismiss that other voice inside my head.

Many of you know that today marks the second anniversary of Bill’s passing. In some ways it’s so hard to believe that it’s already been two years. And in other ways it’s hard to believe it’s ONLY been two years. Some days he feels so very far away, but then on other days I can hear his voice so clearly in my head/heart that it’s like he’s right here. Someone recently said to me that Bill and I balanced each other out. And no truer words have ever been spoken. One of the biggest struggles for me even two years later is not having his voice to give me “the other side.” My grandmother once said that I was “doer” and Bill was a “sitter,” and while it was a source of frustration for both of us at times, it really was such a strength in our marriage. He would help me give myself permission to sit and rest, and I would help “motivate” (he’d probably say nag ;) ) to go do things together. So now, without his voice telling me to stop and rest, I am often finding myself running ragged because of all the things I’m trying to get done or activities I have planned for the kids. And if I’m being really honest, I know that a lot of the weekend trips, etc… that we’ve taken are to help distract me too. Being in the house alone on the weekend is still a major struggle for me, so I have found that having plans is helpful (it’s the extravert in me, I’m sure.)

For those of you on Facebook, you’ve seen a lot of the things we’ve been up to, but I know many people who have kept up with us on the blog aren’t on FB, so I thought I’d give just a quick update on the things we’ve been doing lately.

The girls are growing into beautiful little ladies, and while we have lots of ups and downs, I know how proud Bill would be of the people they are becoming. We talk all the time about what Daddy would think of the activities they are involved in.

Back in the summer, Leah auditioned and was cast as a mouse and a Bon Bon in her dance company’s production of the Nutcracker. Anyone who knows Leah knows that the Nutcracker is her favorite thing in life, so being able to be a part of it really was a dream come true for her.  As I watched her eyes light up when she’d talk about it and while she was dancing, I just kept thinking about Bill and how excited he would be to see how happy she was. She is our sweat pea that has had so many challenges because of everything that has happened, and to see the joy bursting from her little body… well… there are really no words to describe it.

Kaleigh continues to be our book worm. The baseboards in her room are completely lost behind the stacks and stacks of books because she’s run out of room in her bookshelves (yes, she has a kindle, but she’s like her mama… she prefers reading actual books). She’s also continued her voice lessons and recently joined a band. (Heaven help me!) I know that Bill would be so incredibly proud of her for getting over her fear of singing in front of people (people who are not her parents… she won’t let me hear her sing because she says it’s too embarrassing and that I would be too excited which would be even more embarrassing… yes, folks, the tween has arrived!) But nonetheless, I know he would be so glad that K has finally found the thing that she enjoys doing too. My prayer is that it will become her creative outlet when she needs to get her emotions out.

Sweet Zoey is doing a great job in kindergarten. She’s also taking a dance class and will be dancing on the “big stage” this spring in her very first recital. She’s one of the youngest in the class, so sometimes the attention span is a little short, but I’ve been so surprised at how quickly she picks up the steps. She’s also a ROCK STAR at memorizing her scripture verses for AWANA. She’s finished her whole book for the year and is working on some extra verses now.

For those of you who pray for us, if I could ask you to pray for us today since this is the second anniversary. Kaleigh knows, but Leah and Zoey don’t. For the past two years I have always had a lot of anxiety about today because I wasn’t sure what to do. I have this instinct to just have it be a normal day and not make a big deal of it. I guess since we live with Bill’s absence every day, part of me wants to just be business as usual. (Which I know in my heart is ridiculous because the waves of emotion that have been crashing into me the last couple of days have left me reeling.) A dear friend told me that he hoped I could rest my heart today, so I’ve decided not to work at all, and a neighbor friend of mine and I are going out west for a couple of hours to enjoy the beautiful weather. I’m hoping it’s exactly what I’ll need. Just a little space from the daily routine, fresh air, mountain views. And then I think I’ll take the girls to Bill’s favorite restaurant for an early dinner. We’ll see.


So all of that is to say, if you could just pray for us today as we walk through this second anniversary. As I mentioned last year, this is a sad day for us because we lost Bill, but this was an AMAZING day for Bill. Zoey has reminded me a couple of times now that she’s jealous of Daddy because he gets to see Heaven first, and she wishes she could be at the big party she just knows Daddy is having in Heaven. Such wisdom from such a little girl. I hope we can all take comfort from her sweet words and know in our  hearts that Bill is right where he was made to be- at a big ole party praising God in Heaven.  

Bookworm K
Mouse Leah
Bon Bon Leah
The Daisy and the Brownie



Fall Family Photo