Christmas

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Thank you so much for all of your prayers over the last few weeks. It’s been such a bittersweet time, but your words of encouragement and love have really made all the difference.

Leah had a sweet little family birthday with some of our closest friends and their daughters. We’ve entered the “girls only” territory, it would seem. Thankfully, many our family friends are filled with girls just like us.  Leah wanted a Frozen themed party, so I hung snowflakes and made an Elsa cake. Nothing too elaborate, but she felt loved and special, which is all I wanted for her.

We traveled down to South Carolina to spend Christmas with Bill’s family just like we always used to do. It’s so funny when I think about Christmas pasts because I had this almost obsessive need to make sure we had family traditions. Bill was very patient with me, but for whatever reason (probably because I remember the traditions my own family had- especially Christmas Eve- with such nostalgia) I would constantly try to find “better” things for us to do each year. Looking back on it, I feel a mix of frustration and sympathy for myself as this mother who wanted to do everything she could to make Christmas magical for her kids… never realizing that the real magic for the girls (and for me) would be in just being able to celebrate it with their dad. 

Everyone talks about “the firsts” after someone dies being the hardest. For us, this notion becomes a little fuzzy because in reality this was the third Christmas that we had to celebrate without Bill. Sure, he was in Boston, so we had access to him, but he wasn’t here to watch the girls open presents, etc… So I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from this real “first Christmas without him.” How would the girls do? How would I do? His family? I think as the time came closer to us going to SC, I became more nervous about my emotional state being down there without him than anything.

We drove to Richmond on Monday and the girls were able to spend some time with my parents and we even had an impromptu playdate with one of my best friends and her family. We got up early and drove the rest of the way. The last couple of times we have gone to his parents’ house, it takes me a minute to compose myself once we get there. So many memories are there of us. The first time Bill brought me “home” for Christmas with his family. The girls as babies in the crib they used to have. Me being SO sick while I was pregnant with Zoey in one of their bathrooms.  Bill is everywhere. And since I don’t go to his parents’ house that often, the memories always flood over me for the first few minutes that I’m there (I guess this is more of the “Embracing” I wrote about before.)

The girls were so excited to be with Bill’s parents. We continued our tradition of going to see the Zoo Lights which was lots of fun (even though the threat of rain loomed over us the whole time!) We got to have lunch with a lot of family from Bill’s mom’s side which was so great. We ALL made Christmas cookies on Christmas Eve morning because one of Kaleigh’s Christmas Wish List items is that we could do something all together that day. Granddaddy gave us a hard time (now I know where his son got it from), but I think he secretly enjoyed it. At one point when he was teasing about doing 

the cookies, Kaleigh said, “Granddaddy, what do you think Santa would say about your Christmas spirit right now?!”

Making Christmas Cookies

Zoo Lights

We went to Christmas Eve service at Bill’s parents’ church (something we hadn’t done before because the girls were so little), but something I’ve always wanted to do. We even got to see Granddaddy singing in the choir. I have to admit that watching his dad sing really got to me. This is a man who has been through so much- SO much- over the last 20 years. And he is still able to stand in front of people and sing praises to God. When Bill’s sister was sick for all those years I used to tell people that his mom was my “faith role model.” That one day I wanted to be able to have the kind of seemingly unshakeable faith that she had. Watching Granddaddy up there singing on Christmas Eve after everything that has happened- I don’t know- it was a really profound moment for me.

On Christmas Day we went to New Zion to Bill’s grandfather’s house. It was great to be with Bill’s dad’s side of the family. The girls played with cousins and with the warm temperatures they even got to play outside.  I’m so glad they were able to see Great-Granddaddy too. He is 97 years old, and it’s such a gift for them to be able to know him.

Bill's cousin made us some awesome shirts!

Kaleigh gave Great G-Daddy a Santa hat! 

Before we left for the day Bill’s parents went out to the cemetery. I knew they would probably be going, and it’s something I had thought about for weeks. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I just couldn’t do it. Call it denial. Call it weakness. I’m just not ready. Maybe there’s a part of me that is pretending he’s still in Boston- or even on a business trip. I don’t know. I just can’t. I beat myself up because I feel like a good wife would be able to go. Shouldn’t I want to be there? I just can’t. Not yet.

 

The day after Christmas some more family came over and the girls got to play with them. We are really so blessed to have so many family members on both sides who care so deeply for us. I grew up really close to my family, and although there is a greater distance between us and Bill’s side of the family, my prayer is that we can see them enough throughout each year that the girls will have the same deep bonds that I had with my family growing up.

We rounded out the week with another family activity. Kaleigh got Apples to Apples for Christmas and she wanted everyone to play, so each adult teamed up and we got to play together. It was a really great time, and I think it’s one of those memories that will stick with the girls. Leah is still talking about how Granddaddy tried to convince her that pimples are more famous that Mexico, and that she picked mama’s card instead of Granddaddy’s. (Take that! Granddaddy!) J

On Sunday the girls and I attempted to drive back to NOVA. I say “attempted” because as we were driving on 295 just outside of Richmond, the van decided it didn’t want to “go” any more. I am so thankful that I was able to quickly pull over because it could have been really bad. I’m not going to lie. I was pretty upset. At first.  I mean, here I am in a van packed to the gills with stuff, not to mention three precious kids, and I break down? Alone?! Seriously?! (Remember this is piggy backing off of a flooded basement and several other recent frustrations). But my irritation quickly turned to thankfulness that we were ok, and that I didn’t break down in the middle of nowhere. I broke down 30 minutes from where I grew up.

I called my uncle and he and my aunt came and picked us up. They even have a van, so we were able to get a lot of our stuff to take with us. We ended up spending an extra two nights in Richmond so the van could be fixed (it was minor, thankfully). Uncle Hector told me of all the places we broke down, I ended up in the best possible spot. So, once again, I was counting our blessings.

Aunt Cathy keeping the littles occupied while we transferred stuff into their van.

We are safely home now and gearing up for New Years. I’m so thankful for the last few weeks having gone as well as they have, and I am praying that tonight the girls and I can focus on what we do have instead of what we are missing. Happy New Year, Friends! 

Prayers for This Week

Two entries in a week. You’d think I have all kind of free time on my hands- which is definitely not the case. I am writing to ask for prayers- lots of them. This week is proving harder than I anticipated. You see, it was a year ago this week that Bill had his last surgery. For a million different reasons this week last year was difficult: the fear and the uncertainty swirling around us for the second year in row; trying to remain hopeful, but also trying to be realistic; having to be away from the girls- away from sweet Leah on her birthday.

I know it’s not healthy, but I keep going over that week in my mind. Trying to remember where we were at what time, what we talked about, what we did. Trying to hold on to any piece that I can remember.  My mind keeps going back to what I think is the night before Bill went into the hospital. In some ways I will cherish that night more than any other. We were staying in a hotel outside of Boston, and we had, I guess what you could call, our last date. There was a restaurant attached to the hotel, so I wheeled him down and we had dinner together. Of course, hanging over our heads was the tension and emotions of what we were heading into, but we were together. Just the two of us. Something that had become so very rare over the course of the last two years of his life. I wish I could go back to that moment and just hold on to it. Just to be near him. In his presence.

After dinner we went back to the room and it occurred to me that it was the first night he and I had been able to share the same bed for almost 18 months. It’s such a little thing when life is normal. To be able to sleep in the same bed with your husband. But for me, it was something that I had been waiting for since the end of the previous summer. After he was diagnosed the second time, Bill spent most of the nights on the sofa because he was so uncomfortable. And then once radiation started, we stayed in a room that had two single beds. Sure, I might have hopped in his bed a few times to try to massage a cramp or something he was having, but it wasn’t even remotely the same. Even when he came home for those few months in the summer and he slept on the sectional, I would often join him and sleep perpendicular to the way he was laying just so I could be close to him (and to be able to get up easily to get him anything he might need in the middle of the night since it was  much easier for me to do it than it was for him to transfer to his wheelchair and maneuver through the house to get it for himself), but again,  it wasn’t even close to the same.

After Bill and I got married, we developed one of my favorite habits as a couple. Almost every night we’d fall asleep holding hands. We held hands a lot, but falling asleep holding his hand was one of my favorite things about “us.” So this night -this last night that we got to fall asleep together, is one that I will treasure with thankfulness, but also heavy heartedness for the rest of my life. Because the next time I would be able to get into the same bed with my amazing, handsome, strong, beautiful husband, was also the last time. The nurse, knowing that Bill probably wouldn’t get better, snuck me into the bed and let me stay there almost all day. He probably didn’t know I was there because he was in a medically induced coma, but I got to be close to him and that’s all I wanted.

Over this next week, if you could pray for me.  The girls have no idea what this week is, and I’d like to keep it that way. What I want to do is to focus on our precious Leah who will be turning 7 on Thursday. I want her to feel all the love she can on her big day. Instead of focusing on December 10^th of last year, I want to try my best to focus on December 10^th of 2008. The day Bill and I nervously and anxiously awaited our second and last (or so we thought!) precious daughter into the world. I know my heart will continue to struggle inwardly about it all, but outwardly, I am really praying that I can keep myself together. The girls have seen me cry enough as it is. I don’t want Leah’s birthday overshadowed by all the emotions spinning around in my head. Bill would want her to have a fun-filled day, and that’s what I am going to try hard to give her. Thanks, friends.

Doting Daddy with his sweet Leah

Turning 40

I need to start off by saying thank you to the friends and family who reached out about the flood and carpet situation. I’m happy to report that it has all worked out, and we are no worse for the wear. I’m pretty sure I was near the end of my rope when I wrote that last entry, so thanks for encouraging me during a low point.

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving! The girls and I had a fantastic day filled with great family and food. Those of you on Facebook probably saw all of the festivities from last week. For those of you who don’t know…not only was it Thanksgiving, but it was also my 40^th birthday. Being a Thanksgiving baby has always posed some challenges when trying to plan a celebration. Growing up I hated it because we were never in school, so I didn’t get to see my friends.  (Summer birthday babies can probably relate.) And then into adulthood poor Bill had to deal with the challenge of what/when to do something. My 30^th birthday is a prime example. I was pregnant with Kaleigh (and maybe a tad moody). He tried to come up with some special to do for me, but for whatever reason (did I mention I was 8 months pregnant?) it didn’t go so well. The next year, being the sweet man that he was, he tried to plan a surprise get together, but I figured it out because he started to really clean the house. Like really CLEAN the house. He tried to be subtle about it, but anyone who knew Bill Plowden knew that if he was REALLY cleaning, there had to be a reason. J

Early in our marriage when were dreaming about the future, we decided that for our 40^th birthdays we would try to go to Hawaii without kids to celebrate. So when his birthday rolled around in April it was really hard. Not because we weren’t going to Hawaii, but because once again it was a reminder of our hopes and dreams that wouldn’t come true. Even though he wasn’t here, we still celebrated him.  I invited a bunch of his friends over, and his mom and I served his favorite meal. The family wrote notes to him on balloons and “sent them to Heaven” so Daddy would know we were celebrating his birthday.

Fast forward 6 months to my birthday. Leading up to it, several friends asked me what I wanted to do, and I never really answered them. It’s not like I was purposefully dodging the question; it’s just that celebrating my birthday without Bill seemed so empty. What was the point? My person wasn’t there to celebrate with me. I kept thinking about what Bill would want me to do, and I knew he wouldn’t want me to sit home and do nothing. He was always so emphatic that I needed to continue to live life. He would often get frustrated with me when I would tell him the family outings I’d take the girls on (apple picking, beach, etc…) were fun, but felt empty without him. I know that frustration was out of love. He wanted our lives to be full- even if he wasn’t with us.  We talked a lot about it over the two years he was sick. Of course, he understood how deeply we missed him, but it was also really important to him that the girls and I continue to celebrate and engage in life. With these thoughts in mind, and with some long tear-filled talks with a friend, I decided to celebrate my “big 4-0.” And I am so glad that I did.

First, one of my dear friends took the girls and I out to PF Chang’s for dinner on Friday night. We all got dressed up in pretty dresses to make the evening special. The girls had never been to such a “fancy” restaurant. Kaleigh had no idea what to do with the cloth napkin. It was really cute. They had picked out a sweet pea pod necklace as a gift that is absolutely perfect! J

Then the next night, several of my friends and family had put together a ladies’ happy hour at a nearby wine bar. We got all dressed up (the girls picked my dress out for me. They thought Daddy would like it because it had “Princess Leia sleeves.”) and had a great time.  I was surrounded lots of my favorite people, and it turned out to be a really special evening. There were moments that were really hard, but I was able to pull myself together and have fun. I think he would have been really proud of me. (And he would be SO thankful to everyone who made the night so amazing.) (Also, special thanks to our friend Dave who kept his three kids and our three kids for a sleepover so I could have the whole night to myself and so that his beautiful wife could come to the party. Not many men would do that (including one Bill Plowden), so thank you thank you thank you.)

The girls and I traveled to Richmond to see my family for Thanksgiving. It was a GREAT day. Because my birthday always falls around Thanksgiving, at the family dinner we usually have a birthday cake for me. I had told my mom that since this year was my 40^th, I wanted her to recreate my favorite Candyland cake from when I was a kid. (My mom made the most amazing cakes for us growing up. It was one of my favorite things about birthdays. I think that’s why I like making cakes for my girls so much.) During dinner I knew I wasn’t allowed in the basement, but I thought it was just so I wouldn’t see the cake until it was time. Boy was I wrong!

Towards the end of the day my aunt told me the kids were doing a parade for my birthday and that I had to follow them. They were all decked out in matching candy printed dresses. Aunt Cathy had made Candyland-type game pieces and had put them all down her driveway. I followed the parade on the game pieces into her basement where she had created this entire “Dana’s Candyland” themed room complete with almost every type of candy you could imagine. It was amazing. (And of course I cried.)I know it sounds so silly. But it meant so much to me that my family put such efforts into my birthday.  The kids had a blast and were hopped up on crazy amounts of sugar- and that was ok with me. Because at the end of the day, they got to see what family does for each other.  They do for one another. The littles probably just saw a cool birthday party, but I know Kaleigh saw more than that. She saw her mom who has been hurting so much be loved and cared for by her family in a really special way. And that is a lesson that can only be learned by example. So, family, thank you for showing my girls what it means to be there for one another. To think of others. To put time and effort into making someone else’s day special. Thank you.

And just when you think the festivities were over… there was one more! A dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse. This seems to have become a tradition while everyone is still in down during Thanksgiving. Bill and I have never been able to go because of sick babies or maybe because the idea of taking three kids out in public was too painful think about. Either way, I had told Aunt Cathy that I’d love to have the family go this year again, so the girls and I could join. Aside from Zoey being super whiney, it was a fun night. Kaleigh LOVED it. Leah was afraid of the fire and the knives, but she clapped when the chef was doing his tricks, so I think she had fun too. All in all it was a great night.

I really wanted to say a sincere thank you to everyone who helped to make my birthday special. From the texts, FB messages, cards, gifts, etc… you helped turn a hard day into something I will look back on with great memories. Thank you.