Christmas

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Thank you so much for all of your prayers over the last few weeks. It’s been such a bittersweet time, but your words of encouragement and love have really made all the difference.

Leah had a sweet little family birthday with some of our closest friends and their daughters. We’ve entered the “girls only” territory, it would seem. Thankfully, many our family friends are filled with girls just like us.  Leah wanted a Frozen themed party, so I hung snowflakes and made an Elsa cake. Nothing too elaborate, but she felt loved and special, which is all I wanted for her.

We traveled down to South Carolina to spend Christmas with Bill’s family just like we always used to do. It’s so funny when I think about Christmas pasts because I had this almost obsessive need to make sure we had family traditions. Bill was very patient with me, but for whatever reason (probably because I remember the traditions my own family had- especially Christmas Eve- with such nostalgia) I would constantly try to find “better” things for us to do each year. Looking back on it, I feel a mix of frustration and sympathy for myself as this mother who wanted to do everything she could to make Christmas magical for her kids… never realizing that the real magic for the girls (and for me) would be in just being able to celebrate it with their dad. 

Everyone talks about “the firsts” after someone dies being the hardest. For us, this notion becomes a little fuzzy because in reality this was the third Christmas that we had to celebrate without Bill. Sure, he was in Boston, so we had access to him, but he wasn’t here to watch the girls open presents, etc… So I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from this real “first Christmas without him.” How would the girls do? How would I do? His family? I think as the time came closer to us going to SC, I became more nervous about my emotional state being down there without him than anything.

We drove to Richmond on Monday and the girls were able to spend some time with my parents and we even had an impromptu playdate with one of my best friends and her family. We got up early and drove the rest of the way. The last couple of times we have gone to his parents’ house, it takes me a minute to compose myself once we get there. So many memories are there of us. The first time Bill brought me “home” for Christmas with his family. The girls as babies in the crib they used to have. Me being SO sick while I was pregnant with Zoey in one of their bathrooms.  Bill is everywhere. And since I don’t go to his parents’ house that often, the memories always flood over me for the first few minutes that I’m there (I guess this is more of the “Embracing” I wrote about before.)

The girls were so excited to be with Bill’s parents. We continued our tradition of going to see the Zoo Lights which was lots of fun (even though the threat of rain loomed over us the whole time!) We got to have lunch with a lot of family from Bill’s mom’s side which was so great. We ALL made Christmas cookies on Christmas Eve morning because one of Kaleigh’s Christmas Wish List items is that we could do something all together that day. Granddaddy gave us a hard time (now I know where his son got it from), but I think he secretly enjoyed it. At one point when he was teasing about doing 

the cookies, Kaleigh said, “Granddaddy, what do you think Santa would say about your Christmas spirit right now?!”

Making Christmas Cookies

Zoo Lights

We went to Christmas Eve service at Bill’s parents’ church (something we hadn’t done before because the girls were so little), but something I’ve always wanted to do. We even got to see Granddaddy singing in the choir. I have to admit that watching his dad sing really got to me. This is a man who has been through so much- SO much- over the last 20 years. And he is still able to stand in front of people and sing praises to God. When Bill’s sister was sick for all those years I used to tell people that his mom was my “faith role model.” That one day I wanted to be able to have the kind of seemingly unshakeable faith that she had. Watching Granddaddy up there singing on Christmas Eve after everything that has happened- I don’t know- it was a really profound moment for me.

On Christmas Day we went to New Zion to Bill’s grandfather’s house. It was great to be with Bill’s dad’s side of the family. The girls played with cousins and with the warm temperatures they even got to play outside.  I’m so glad they were able to see Great-Granddaddy too. He is 97 years old, and it’s such a gift for them to be able to know him.

Bill's cousin made us some awesome shirts!

Kaleigh gave Great G-Daddy a Santa hat! 

Before we left for the day Bill’s parents went out to the cemetery. I knew they would probably be going, and it’s something I had thought about for weeks. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I just couldn’t do it. Call it denial. Call it weakness. I’m just not ready. Maybe there’s a part of me that is pretending he’s still in Boston- or even on a business trip. I don’t know. I just can’t. I beat myself up because I feel like a good wife would be able to go. Shouldn’t I want to be there? I just can’t. Not yet.

 

The day after Christmas some more family came over and the girls got to play with them. We are really so blessed to have so many family members on both sides who care so deeply for us. I grew up really close to my family, and although there is a greater distance between us and Bill’s side of the family, my prayer is that we can see them enough throughout each year that the girls will have the same deep bonds that I had with my family growing up.

We rounded out the week with another family activity. Kaleigh got Apples to Apples for Christmas and she wanted everyone to play, so each adult teamed up and we got to play together. It was a really great time, and I think it’s one of those memories that will stick with the girls. Leah is still talking about how Granddaddy tried to convince her that pimples are more famous that Mexico, and that she picked mama’s card instead of Granddaddy’s. (Take that! Granddaddy!) J

On Sunday the girls and I attempted to drive back to NOVA. I say “attempted” because as we were driving on 295 just outside of Richmond, the van decided it didn’t want to “go” any more. I am so thankful that I was able to quickly pull over because it could have been really bad. I’m not going to lie. I was pretty upset. At first.  I mean, here I am in a van packed to the gills with stuff, not to mention three precious kids, and I break down? Alone?! Seriously?! (Remember this is piggy backing off of a flooded basement and several other recent frustrations). But my irritation quickly turned to thankfulness that we were ok, and that I didn’t break down in the middle of nowhere. I broke down 30 minutes from where I grew up.

I called my uncle and he and my aunt came and picked us up. They even have a van, so we were able to get a lot of our stuff to take with us. We ended up spending an extra two nights in Richmond so the van could be fixed (it was minor, thankfully). Uncle Hector told me of all the places we broke down, I ended up in the best possible spot. So, once again, I was counting our blessings.

Aunt Cathy keeping the littles occupied while we transferred stuff into their van.

We are safely home now and gearing up for New Years. I’m so thankful for the last few weeks having gone as well as they have, and I am praying that tonight the girls and I can focus on what we do have instead of what we are missing. Happy New Year, Friends!