A Challenging Week

What a week. I started writing a post at the beginning of the week asking for prayers because re-acclimating to being at home for the girls had become *quite* a challenge. Emerging  tweenage attitudes, ungratefulness, anger, arguing. There were LOTS of emotions running wild as we tried to settle into the regular routine. Maybe some of it is normal, but in the midst of it, all I could think (a recurring theme these days for me) is how am I supposed to do this alone? They NEED his voice. They NEED Bill to calm the wave of emotions. They always responded to differently to him. I think my voice is often like the adults in Charlie Brown “Whaa, whaa, whaa, whaa.” But not Bill’s. They responded so differently to him. His voice was deep and loving. It didn’t take many words from him for them to turn themselves around. And now his voice is missing. I know that part of it is “normal” for their ages. Kaleigh approaching the tween years, Leah just being the middle child, and Zoey trying to find that independence as the youngest… and just plain being four.  I also know that they sense how tired I am. That maybe I don’t have the energy to pick as many battles as I used to. I don’t know.

On Sunday my friend told Kaleigh she had a surprise for her coming. Kaleigh’s immediate response was, “Is it Daddy!?” I honestly didn’t know what to do. I could halfway see Zoey asking a question like that, but Kaleigh? And the thing is, there was this hopeful tone in her voice… like this part of her deep inside thought maybe we would tell her everything that’s happened over the last few months was a bad dream. I don’t know. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I gave her a kiss and told her that I’d give anything if that could be the surprise, but she knew that it wasn’t possible.  And that If Daddy could be here he would be here. It’s all he wanted. She hung her head and said she knew, but it was such a heartbreaking moment.

And the thing is, there’s a part of me that gets it. I still expect him to walk through the door sometimes. I still imagine that he’s in Boston and that he’ll be home soon. My brain can’t seem to grasp that he’s gone. That this is our new life. I have moments where I wonder if the physical distance over the last 18 months of his life makes this whole process harder or easier. There were plenty of days where I was single-momming it while he was in the hospital. So in theory maybe that part should be easier. But because of that, I feel like the reality of him being gone maybe taking longer to really believe. Because it still feels like he’s just in Boston.

But then there are these moments where I “see” him. The other day Kaleigh flashed me this look, and it was Bill. She has his eyes- beautiful blue-green with the longest lashes you could imagine… and for a second it was like I was looking at him. I got a little teary and she knew immediately what had happened. “I reminded you of Daddy, didn’t I?” She’s definitely in a phase of trying to find how she’s similar to Bill. She’s trying out her “sarcasm wings” which doesn’t always go over so well, but I understand that she’s trying to connect with a trait she’s heard (and experienced) about him.

While I was in Arizona I continued to read this parenting book that I got to try to help me parent Leah more effectively. She has always been our really challenging one. Lots of emotional outbursts and lashing out, but so incredibly sweet at other times. Most of the traditional parenting “techniques” have proven to be ineffective with her, and I feel like a lot of the suggestions in this book have been helpful so far. One of the recommendations was using puppets to talk about concerns or worries. This wasn’t a new strategy for us because the first time Bill went to Boston we got Leah to talk to him by using a stuffed animal she and her sisters had sent with him, but it’s one I hadn’t thought about in a while.  She and I were playing My Little Pony, and I decided to use some of the millions of ponies we have in the house to see if she’d open up.  She told the pony all about how her dad had died, and that he’d been buried. She told the pony that she was sad and that she missed his snuggles and his goatee. She said she was happy that he was in Heaven and that she loved him so much. There were so many other things she opened up about as we played, I was really stunned. For the first time in almost two years I felt like I was beginning to understand where her heart was with everything that’s happened. It was heartbreaking, but also such a blessing to be able to get some insight into her mind. (I think I mentioned before that she’s a tough read. I often call her the “black hole of information.” So I feel like this was a really positive step for her. )

I’m happy to report that for as challenging as the beginning of the week was, the end of the week turned itself around. Swim meets, a wedding, swim lessons, a birthday party, and pool play dates filled the days and seemed to get the kids distracted and/or engaged enough in “regular” life to help the attitudes and behavior. We are so blessed to have people who love these girls (and me) regardless of the hiccups in their behavior.  I will say we are getting ready for another trip, so I would just ask that you continue to pray for the transitions to be smooth and that the behavior is normal and not the crazy stuff that was happening earlier this week. Thanks, friends. 

Reading after her swim events. She is Bill Plowden's daughter for sure.