Embracing

Not long after Bill died, I met with a pastor in our church who had also lost his wife to cancer.  One of the things he asked me was if I had taken the time to really embrace the grief. He explained that when his wife passed, he took time to go to places that had been important to them. He had allowed himself to remember the good times, but he also allowed himself to really feel the pain of the loss. At the time, I understood how that kind of exercise could help get some closure/ healing, but I also didn’t think that as a now “single” (I hate that word) mother of three small children, it would be feasible for me to do with any intentionality.  How was I supposed to care for these precious girls, juggle all the estate stuff, and try to embrace grief? To be honest, at the time, the idea kind of made me mad. It seemed like a luxury I couldn’t afford. But as time has passed, and as I’ve slowly been able to get some of the “businessy” things off my plate, I have found a little bit of time to begin the process of embracing the heartache.

A few weeks ago, one of my best friends (a sister, really) celebrated her birthday in Richmond. I drove down and we went spent time with her amazing husband and boys, had lots of girl time, and even went to a concert. She had asked me if I wanted to go to church with them on Sunday, and (of course) said, “yes.” It didn’t dawn on me until later that I hadn’t set foot in the church since the day Bill and I had been married. You see,  I didn’t grow up in a church. I went on and off with various friends and family when I was a kid, but this church, Bon Air Baptist, was the first church that I really called “home.” So even though I had already moved to NOVA by the time we were planning our wedding, I really wanted to be married at Bon Air. So once we were married, I never really had the occasion to go back.

I could feel myself letting the memories of our wedding day flood over me as I walked into the building. Sitting in the limo with my bridesmaids waiting to go in. Getting ready. Hearing the music and walking towards my smiling groom (watching to see if the “wedding butt pinch” was happening between the groomsmen- a time honored tradition with all of Bill’s closest friends). I felt myself getting upset, but was thankfully distracted by one of the kids.  We walked into the building which looks much different than it did the day we got married (again, I was thankful). The service we went to was actually in a different part of the church that day, but my friend made sure that we had time should I want to go into the sanctuary. I had composed myself (or so I thought) and told her that, yes, I did want to go in. Almost as soon as we walked in there was someone there who wanted to meet me (Bon Air supported us in more ways than I could count the past two years). We went over and I was introduced, but I couldn’t stop turning away to look at the front of the church where Bill and I had exchanged our vows. Trying to remember all of that part of the day. All the hopes and dreams we had. All the love and excitement. My friend’s husband caught my eye, and then everything inside me burst. I basically had to run out because I couldn’t hold back the sobs. I’m sure I looked like quite a spectacle, but I’m ok with that. I think that’s what my pastor meant by embracing the grief. It was horrible and awful, but also sweet and wonderful to be in the place where Bill and I joined our lives together.

Since that day I’ve had two other opportunities, not nearly as emotional, to go back and visit special places to us. We were at the beach this week, and I realized that we were right near where Bill and I used to go with my aunt and uncle every year. As the girls and I were driving home I took them by the house and was able to share some of the fun memories that Bill and I had there.

And then there was today. Today we went sunflower picking with some friends. I wasn’t sure I would be able to do it, but the girls seems excited about it, so we went. For those of you who followed Bill’s journey, you know that we went sunflower picking as a family last year. It was the first and last family outing he was able to do. It wasn’t an easy day, simply because he and I were still trying to figure out how to maneuver him around in his wheelchair, but once we did, the day was great. We were so excited to have Bill with us. Finally. Finally. He was home. He was cancer-free (we thought). We were figuring out the wheelchair, and we were doing something TOGETHER as a complete family.

So today, like I said, I wasn’t sure I could do it. But I’m glad I did. We went with some good friends, and the girls had a great time. The field was in a different spot this year, so that helped me a little bit. I will say when we got in the car, I was really surprised that Leah talked about how hard it was for her to see other little girls there with their daddies. She said she had fun with Daddy last year and that she missed him so much. And that she when she dies (a LONG time from now, she added) she can’t wait to see him.

Those of you who know Leah know that she doesn’t often talk about Bill, so this was definitely a big step. And there’s a part of me that wonders if this wasn’t maybe her trying to embrace the grief in her own 6 year old way.

ZoZo said she picked this flower especially for Daddy

Tomorrow starts a new chapter for us. The first day of school without Bill. I’d appreciate your prayers for the girls and for me as we continue to work through all of this. As we continue to miss and love Bill, but as we continue to try to find our new life together as a family of four. Thanks, friends. 

Little Things

After my last post, I got a message from my friend who I work with that said that I wasn’t completely honest with what I had written. She said I should have included the fact that several of the units I’ve worked on have won national awards. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of attention or feeling like I’m bragging. Sometimes when I talk to this particular friend she reminds me so much of Bill because it always bothered him that he felt like I wasn’t “giving myself enough credit.” Maybe it’s true, but as I mentioned in my last post, I work with some of the most amazing people in the world. I am so excited about the award, but I am more thankful to have the opportunity to be a part of such a great team.

So, if I don’t like attention, then why am I mentioning it at all? Because I just found out one of our units won another national award. And if I’m being really honest about it, of course I am excited and I feel proud of all the work we did- especially given the other things that were going on in my family. But on Tuesday, as I read the email notifying and congratulating the team, my excitement very quickly turned into out of control sobbing. I left the room before the kids could notice because I didn’t want to scare them. It was so weird to go from such an excited feeling to this depth of sorrow. We had won this amazing award and I couldn’t tell Bill. Something really big had happened for me and I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t thank him for listening to me complain about writer’s block. I couldn’t thank him for listening to me bounce ideas and wording off of him. I couldn’t thank him for all the support he had given me as we had worked on this big project. And I couldn’t see him roll his eyes at me and then give me that big grin of his to show me how proud he was of all of my work. I told this kids and they were excited for half a minute. And I texted Bill’s mom because she would know how I was feeling- missing him so much, but being excited for me too.

I think I’ve come to realize it’s these random unexpected moments are the ones that really put me on this tidal wave of emotions. Packing for the beach and realizing I’ve packed one too many chairs. Having a doctor ask me if we are planning to go for baby #4 so we can have a boy.  A guy on an airplane asking me how my husband feels about me going on a girls’ trip. The girls finding a toad outside and having one of them ask, “Mama, if we kiss it, will it turn into a new Daddy for us?” These small moments… add up to so much emotionally and mentally. Sometimes I feel like I handle them “well” and then other times it takes me a minute to center myself so I can continue moving forward.  I have a friend who said it must feel like a thousand little paper cuts throughout the day. And it does.  I think I spend so much time preparing myself for the expected difficulties- those day to day things that were manageable as a couple, but that seem so overwhelming by myself- that the small unexpected moments are the cuts that sting so deeply that  they  throw me off balance the most. But I have to continue moving forward. It’s what Bill wanted. And somewhere deep down, I know it’s what I have to do for me, for the girls, and to honor my wonderful husband.

My friend who sent me that text about not being completely honest wants to have us over to celebrate winning the award. It’s so thoughtful of her and I know part of the reason she’s doing it is to help try to fill that void of not being able to celebrate with Bill. And I plan to take her up on it because even though he’d roll his eyes at how uncomfortable “being celebrated” would make me; I also know it’s what he’d want. 

Saturdays

I had a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to write about this week, but then yesterday happened. It wasn’t a terrible day, nothing specifically happened that was earth shattering, but it was a day where I realized something about our “new life” that I hadn’t really thought about before.  I really dread Saturdays.

For the first time in a while we didn’t have plans (well, we had plans, but a sick ZoZo caused us to cancel them.) So we were kind of “on our own for the day.”  In our life “before,” Bill would tease me because one of my favorite things to do was to write things on my calendar. (Yes, I’m still a paper calendar girl. I know… I know… I’m so out of touch!) It’s not that my goal was to be overscheduled, but I am a planner, so I do enjoy putting things on the calendar. When Bill was here and healthy, Fall was one of our favorite seasons. Apple picking, fall festivals, and other outdoor activities filled our weekends. Sometimes with friends and sometime just with us. I loved it. He loved it too- once he’d get there. He and I were very different in a lot of ways in that I am an extravert and he was an introvert. He was just fine hanging out at the house, while I was always on the quest for what more we could DO. He used to brace himself for the weekly question of “What should we do today?!”  He’d roll his eyes and just sigh, and usually go along with whatever I had planned.

We actually had a conversation about it in the middle of the night while he was having his first round of chemo in Boston. He had his own room, and I had fallen asleep on the sofa, but the nurse had come in to change his IV bag. I woke up as he was asking her if he could go sit with his beautiful bride. It brings tears to my eyes even now to think about. Oh how I miss his voice. Anyway, when he sat down he thanked me for all the plans I had “made” him do. The apple picking, the pumpkin picking, etc… He said that he had realized with everything he was facing, that spending that kind of quality time and having those experiences with the girls was what life should be about. He was so looking forward to being able to go with us the next time he was well enough.

But I digress… so this week I started filling out the calendar for the fall. Scheduling ballet for Leah, swimming for ZoZo and Kaleigh, and all the other activities we have. And when I looked at the calendar I realized that most of the Saturdays were empty. And something about that made me have this wave of emotions. Panic. Sadness. Overwhelmedness (is that a word?!) I know that we will continue to do the traditions that Bill and I started. He and talked a lot about how I should do my best to keep things as “normal” for the girls as possible. So I’m not even sure my feelings were about the empty dates on the calendar because I know they will fill up quickly. And I know we have a ton of wonderful friends who we can go do all the fun things with too, so I wasn’t even feeling like I’d have to do them with the girls by myself.  As I was texting a friend about it yesterday, I think I came to realize that it is really about not being able to give our kids the “complete” experience and life that Bill and I had envisioned for them. A fun day of doing something as a whole family. Because let’s face it, our family will never been whole again. He will be missing from everything we do from here on out.

I think the other part of that is that Saturdays are when my kids see their friends with their dads. Mostly during the week, the parents the girls see are the moms. But on Saturdays, dads are everywhere. (Which is a GREAT thing.) Kaleigh has started to struggle with feeling jealous of her friends when they get to go do things with their dads. She is quick to say that she is happy that her friends have great dads to spend time with, but that she doesn’t understand why God decided she wasn’t supposed have Daddy here to play with. It’s a heartbreaking question that I struggle with all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. And I have no answer for her. I never will.

Now I don’t write this to have dads avoid my kids. That’s actually quite the opposite. We have been blessed with several amazing men who have stepped up and have decided to pour into the girls in Bill’s absence. (And I’ll write more about that another time.) It’s great for the girls to see and be around great dads. But it is still a struggle for them right now- especially Kaleigh.

So again, for those of you who pray for us. If you could pray that somehow we would navigate Saturdays this year with a balance of activity and down time. And that whatever emotions the four of us might have about missing Bill will be able to be handled in a positive/constructive way.

And I want to acknowledge that I know there are kids out there who don’t have any parents to support them. Kids who would look at our situation and would wish to be in a family with at least a mom who loves them. A family who is surrounded by a community of people who love them. I get that. I am not trying to have a pity party for ourselves. We have been blessed in so many incredible ways. But we do still really struggle a lot. I pray as time goes on, it will get easier. 

The last time we got to go apple picking together. Amazing husband and dad.

My "Alone" Week/ The Girls' Grandparent Week

As I sit here trying to decide where to start, I’m listening to the two littles play sweetly in the other room. It’s hard to believe that they were even gone last week. It’s even HARDER to believe looking around, that just two days ago this house was SPOTLESS. Oh the HOURS I spent organizing and purging... not that I am a bit surprised. What do they say? Cleaning with kids is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos? So true. However, I will say that for all of the hours I spent trying to get organized, there are some major things that even after 48 hours of being home, the kids haven’t destroyed (yet). Systems in place, like the re-institution of the “official” chore chart (something that had fallen by the wayside with so many people in and out of the house as I traveled back and forth to Boston) and toy bins that actually match the label on the front. And we won’t mention the BAGS of toys I donated that no one has noticed yet. I’m still not 100% ready for school to start, but I feel a lot more organized than I did. (And yes, I do realize it may seem to make no sense that the house is a mess again, but the chore chart is back... these things take time. I'm hoping they will be close to mastering it as part of the normal routine by the start of school. A girl can dream, right?!) 

Last week was about more than cleaning and getting organized. I spent a lot of time working too. Many people have asked me if I plan to go back into the classroom next year, but I am happy to say that I am planning to stay home again. For those of you who don’t know, since Kaleigh was about 9 months old, I have been privileged enough to work with a team of amazing people writing Problem-Based Learning units for advanced academics students. If everything goes according to plan, I will get to continue doing this for the next couple of years. It has always been an incredible opportunity for me, and something that Bill was always so encouraging of. He was always my biggest cheerleader- often times changing his work schedule to accommodate meetings, trainings, etc… There are a lot of advantages to being able to work from home while the girls are still so young, not least of which is that on a teacher’s salary, paying for childcare for three kids would take most,  if not all of my earnings. Eventually, I will go back into the classroom. I’ve missed it a lot over the years, but I am really blessed to have the chance to work from home for right now.

Zoey touching her tiny fish!

Ok. Enough about me. Let’s talk about the incredible time the girls had with Granddaddy and Grandmama in SC! I know I’ve said it before, but these sweet peas are so blessed to have such wonderful family. Grandmama and Granddaddy kept them busy while they were there.  A Museum visit, the Minions movie, pool time (thanks, Mrs. La Rose!), visiting with cousins, hanging out with neighbor friends, and spending time with Great-Granddaddy filled their days. Grandaddy even helped fulfill one of their most important (and talked about) wish list items of the summer. They got to go FISHING! From what I understand, it was a big success. Leah loved catching the fish, but apparently freaked out once the fish was out of the water (sounds like her mama). And Kaleigh even put the live bait on the hooks (ewe- does not sound like her mama!) Zoey caught a teeny little fish and touched it- which she was very excited about.  All in all, it sounds like they had a fantastic time. (Special thanks to Ms. Marlene and Mr. Bobby for letting them fish on their lake. They have been so excited about it, they keep telling me how fun it was.)

  

Girls at EdVenture 

Fishing Kaleigh

With the Rekers Cousins

With Great-Granddaddy

This pic made me tear up. So sweet. 

It’s hard to believe we only have three weeks left til school starts. For those of you who continue to pray, please just lift us up in the same ways you have been. Transitions (so far this week has been pretty good), school starting, the new normal, and for my energy, stamina, and faith (more on that later).

Family Beach Week

This past week was a fun-filled week at Bill’s Grandfather’s beach house in Garden City, SC (near Myrtle). Bill’s family has been going to this beach house for years and years, and this was only the second time I had been down there without him. (Two years ago, just before he was diagnosed a second time he had to work, so I went down with the family without him.) Maybe having already had the “first” time being there without him out of the way made it a little easier. I don’t know. It was definitely still bittersweet. His absence was so incredibly noticeable. I’m so thankful that his family has continued to love me and the girls as though he were still here. Extended family continues to check in with texts, e-mail, calls, etc… And when we are with them they give special attention to the girls. We are so blessed to be a part of this wonderful, loving, and supportive family.

Right after Bill died the girls had their Spring Break, and Bill’s Aunt and Uncle invited us down to their house near Greeneville. Those of you on Facebook saw some of my posts from that time. They live in the country and have several horses. The girls absolutely LOVED it. Our days were filled with fun things that Martha and Reggie (his aunt and uncle) had planned, and we got to see so many other cousins while we were there. It was so hard for me to be there without Bill, but at the same time it was so good to be with “his people.” They loved on us even if the girls’ behavior was challenging, they distracted us at the right times, and let me cry when I needed to. I kept imagining how happy Bill would have been to see his family all spending that time together. 

Reggie taking ZoZo for a horseback ride over Spring Break,

Hiking with the West cousins at Chimney Rock

Probably my favorite Spring Break pic. Kaleigh kept asking if Daddy would be proud of her for driving a tractor. It kind of looks like she's carting around a wheelbarrow of fire, which he would have thought was hilarious. 

So this week was kind of the same thing. The girls loved getting to spend time with their other cousins and everyone else. They played on the beach, played ponies and littlest pet shop, boogie boarded with Granddaddy, and did all the other fun stuff we would have usually done while we were down there. So in some ways it was just like “normal.” And in lots of other ways for me, hopefully not for the girls, there was that same emptiness I often (constantly) feel. 

I will say that someone commented on how much the girls and I were smiling and laughing. And I’m so thankful for that.  I know its because we have been surrounded by so much love over the past few years. For the girls, that love has given them much needed security and permission to enjoy themselves without feeling guilty. I've read a lot or articles about what a struggle that can be for some people, and I'm so thankful that it hasn't really been the case for us. Bill was always so clear about how he wanted them (us) to have fun, and that he wanted them to enjoy the special times. Even in the midst of all of his struggles, he gave them permission to be kids. It has proven to be an amazing gift.

A friend told me today that she couldn't believe I was able to do everything it takes to get the girls all packed up and down to the beach. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. It wasn't. But it is really important to me that we continue to do the things we would've done before. And it's also even more important to me that the girls spend as much time with Bill’s side of the family as we can. I want them to know him through their stories of him. I want them to hear about the goofy things he did growing up. I want them to know how obstinate he was when he was little. And I want them to know that they come from this wonderful group of people who love them. And that beyond the many people here in Virginia (and elsewhere) who love them, they also have a whole other army of family members in SC that love them just as much.

Leah getting ready to jump in after the long car ride. 

Bill's cousin Scott taking Kaleigh out on the water. She loved every second of it. 

Loves the ocean, hates the sand. And can't figure out why it has to get on her feet every time she goes on the beach. 

Cousin Pyramid! (Missing some, but still cute.)

   

I drove back to Richmond on Friday without the girls. They are going to stay with Bill’s parents until this weekend, so I am kid-free for the whole week! (Best in-laws EVER! Stay tuned for pics of them having fun with the G-parents. They are having a BLAST!) But being here alone is still bittersweet. While I have a million things to do for work, getting organized in anticipation of school starting, etc...it is hard to be here without anyone else.  I have attempted to fill my days with lots of activities to help distract myself, but I'm also trying to give myself some more "processing" time. Time to think about what the fall will hopefully look like as we really try to begin the "new normal." 

For those of you who have been praying for us, if you could pray that the transition for the girls coming home would go smoothly, I’d appreciate it. As you might remember, it didn’t go so well a few weeks ago, so I am praying that this time will be a little better.  And also, if you could pray for my ability to come up with a routine that will work well for everyone once school starts. There are lots of logistical things to consider with three kids in school and activities, and I want to make sure we have a good balance between activity and down time. Thanks, friends.