Saturdays

I had a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to write about this week, but then yesterday happened. It wasn’t a terrible day, nothing specifically happened that was earth shattering, but it was a day where I realized something about our “new life” that I hadn’t really thought about before.  I really dread Saturdays.

For the first time in a while we didn’t have plans (well, we had plans, but a sick ZoZo caused us to cancel them.) So we were kind of “on our own for the day.”  In our life “before,” Bill would tease me because one of my favorite things to do was to write things on my calendar. (Yes, I’m still a paper calendar girl. I know… I know… I’m so out of touch!) It’s not that my goal was to be overscheduled, but I am a planner, so I do enjoy putting things on the calendar. When Bill was here and healthy, Fall was one of our favorite seasons. Apple picking, fall festivals, and other outdoor activities filled our weekends. Sometimes with friends and sometime just with us. I loved it. He loved it too- once he’d get there. He and I were very different in a lot of ways in that I am an extravert and he was an introvert. He was just fine hanging out at the house, while I was always on the quest for what more we could DO. He used to brace himself for the weekly question of “What should we do today?!”  He’d roll his eyes and just sigh, and usually go along with whatever I had planned.

We actually had a conversation about it in the middle of the night while he was having his first round of chemo in Boston. He had his own room, and I had fallen asleep on the sofa, but the nurse had come in to change his IV bag. I woke up as he was asking her if he could go sit with his beautiful bride. It brings tears to my eyes even now to think about. Oh how I miss his voice. Anyway, when he sat down he thanked me for all the plans I had “made” him do. The apple picking, the pumpkin picking, etc… He said that he had realized with everything he was facing, that spending that kind of quality time and having those experiences with the girls was what life should be about. He was so looking forward to being able to go with us the next time he was well enough.

But I digress… so this week I started filling out the calendar for the fall. Scheduling ballet for Leah, swimming for ZoZo and Kaleigh, and all the other activities we have. And when I looked at the calendar I realized that most of the Saturdays were empty. And something about that made me have this wave of emotions. Panic. Sadness. Overwhelmedness (is that a word?!) I know that we will continue to do the traditions that Bill and I started. He and talked a lot about how I should do my best to keep things as “normal” for the girls as possible. So I’m not even sure my feelings were about the empty dates on the calendar because I know they will fill up quickly. And I know we have a ton of wonderful friends who we can go do all the fun things with too, so I wasn’t even feeling like I’d have to do them with the girls by myself.  As I was texting a friend about it yesterday, I think I came to realize that it is really about not being able to give our kids the “complete” experience and life that Bill and I had envisioned for them. A fun day of doing something as a whole family. Because let’s face it, our family will never been whole again. He will be missing from everything we do from here on out.

I think the other part of that is that Saturdays are when my kids see their friends with their dads. Mostly during the week, the parents the girls see are the moms. But on Saturdays, dads are everywhere. (Which is a GREAT thing.) Kaleigh has started to struggle with feeling jealous of her friends when they get to go do things with their dads. She is quick to say that she is happy that her friends have great dads to spend time with, but that she doesn’t understand why God decided she wasn’t supposed have Daddy here to play with. It’s a heartbreaking question that I struggle with all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. And I have no answer for her. I never will.

Now I don’t write this to have dads avoid my kids. That’s actually quite the opposite. We have been blessed with several amazing men who have stepped up and have decided to pour into the girls in Bill’s absence. (And I’ll write more about that another time.) It’s great for the girls to see and be around great dads. But it is still a struggle for them right now- especially Kaleigh.

So again, for those of you who pray for us. If you could pray that somehow we would navigate Saturdays this year with a balance of activity and down time. And that whatever emotions the four of us might have about missing Bill will be able to be handled in a positive/constructive way.

And I want to acknowledge that I know there are kids out there who don’t have any parents to support them. Kids who would look at our situation and would wish to be in a family with at least a mom who loves them. A family who is surrounded by a community of people who love them. I get that. I am not trying to have a pity party for ourselves. We have been blessed in so many incredible ways. But we do still really struggle a lot. I pray as time goes on, it will get easier. 

The last time we got to go apple picking together. Amazing husband and dad.