Little Things

After my last post, I got a message from my friend who I work with that said that I wasn’t completely honest with what I had written. She said I should have included the fact that several of the units I’ve worked on have won national awards. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of attention or feeling like I’m bragging. Sometimes when I talk to this particular friend she reminds me so much of Bill because it always bothered him that he felt like I wasn’t “giving myself enough credit.” Maybe it’s true, but as I mentioned in my last post, I work with some of the most amazing people in the world. I am so excited about the award, but I am more thankful to have the opportunity to be a part of such a great team.

So, if I don’t like attention, then why am I mentioning it at all? Because I just found out one of our units won another national award. And if I’m being really honest about it, of course I am excited and I feel proud of all the work we did- especially given the other things that were going on in my family. But on Tuesday, as I read the email notifying and congratulating the team, my excitement very quickly turned into out of control sobbing. I left the room before the kids could notice because I didn’t want to scare them. It was so weird to go from such an excited feeling to this depth of sorrow. We had won this amazing award and I couldn’t tell Bill. Something really big had happened for me and I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t thank him for listening to me complain about writer’s block. I couldn’t thank him for listening to me bounce ideas and wording off of him. I couldn’t thank him for all the support he had given me as we had worked on this big project. And I couldn’t see him roll his eyes at me and then give me that big grin of his to show me how proud he was of all of my work. I told this kids and they were excited for half a minute. And I texted Bill’s mom because she would know how I was feeling- missing him so much, but being excited for me too.

I think I’ve come to realize it’s these random unexpected moments are the ones that really put me on this tidal wave of emotions. Packing for the beach and realizing I’ve packed one too many chairs. Having a doctor ask me if we are planning to go for baby #4 so we can have a boy.  A guy on an airplane asking me how my husband feels about me going on a girls’ trip. The girls finding a toad outside and having one of them ask, “Mama, if we kiss it, will it turn into a new Daddy for us?” These small moments… add up to so much emotionally and mentally. Sometimes I feel like I handle them “well” and then other times it takes me a minute to center myself so I can continue moving forward.  I have a friend who said it must feel like a thousand little paper cuts throughout the day. And it does.  I think I spend so much time preparing myself for the expected difficulties- those day to day things that were manageable as a couple, but that seem so overwhelming by myself- that the small unexpected moments are the cuts that sting so deeply that  they  throw me off balance the most. But I have to continue moving forward. It’s what Bill wanted. And somewhere deep down, I know it’s what I have to do for me, for the girls, and to honor my wonderful husband.

My friend who sent me that text about not being completely honest wants to have us over to celebrate winning the award. It’s so thoughtful of her and I know part of the reason she’s doing it is to help try to fill that void of not being able to celebrate with Bill. And I plan to take her up on it because even though he’d roll his eyes at how uncomfortable “being celebrated” would make me; I also know it’s what he’d want.