It's Been Too Long

Wow. I can’t believe it’s already November. I need to apologize for not updating in so long. I want to start off with a HUGE heartfelt thank you for all of the donations you sent for Bill’s birthday food drive. He would have been so incredibly humbled to see all of the food that went to the church to help so many families in need. I really don’t have the words. The girls were so excited each time we received a package, and in the days leading up to delivery day, Leah and Zoey colored pictures to “make the people getting the food happy and to let them know we love them.” All I can say is Thank you. THANK YOU for helping to teach our girls the gift of giving back. Not only will they remember your generosity, but they will know that because so many people love their daddy, many people in need will be helped. 

Just a small snapshot of all the donations

Some of the canned goods

We love you. Please like our food. 

Because I am so far behind in updating, I do want to mention one more special event that happened for Bill’s birthday. We were invited to a friend’s house for a get together, and to honor Bill she and her husband had the girls and I along with some other close friends help plant a “Brave Dogwood” tree in her yard. She said she picked that particular tree because of its name and because it reminded her of how brave Bill was during his fight. I can’t tell you how much this thoughtful, kind gesture means for the girls. One of the concerns I have had was how to keep Bill present for the girls- especially for Leah and Zoey since they were so young when he left for Boston. Moments like this- where they see people going out of their way to honor their amazing dad- show them how loved he was (and still is) by so many people. It gives them opportunities to hear stories about Bill- about the things that they didn’t get to see him do. (In this case it was Daddy as the “unskilled labor” (his words) helping a friend build a wine cellar/ basement for someone.)

The Brave Dogwood Tree

I feel like for kids who have both of their parents in their lives, these small moments may not be appreciated in the same way that my kids appreciate them. The girls soak in stories about Bill. Their eyes light up when people talk about him. They ask questions. They want so desperately to know him in any way that they can. And while, yes, it is heartbreaking for me to watch, I am SO appreciative of the moments where people are intentional to talk about Bill. I’ve said this before, but I can’t stress it enough. He WILL ALWAYS be part of our family. I talk about him every day. So, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, thank you. To those of you who still talk about Bill and still share your stories. THANK YOU. You are making such a difference for our girls.

So on that note… I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this next part. Please be forgiving if it comes across as less than positive. I’ll probably write some more about our summer at a later date, but I’m feeling the need to ask you once again for your prayers. This summer was great for the girls, but it had some really difficult moments for me. I had a sweet friend send me some pics of myself on FB and tell me how she loved the joy in my eyes despite everything that we’ve been through. It meant so much to me because in general I do choose joy, but the specific pictures she sent had so much pain behind them because of what was going on in the background of my life. I’m not going to elaborate much on that other than to say that the Lord continues to remind me that I am not in control of much. In my heart I know that giving Him the reigns is better for everyone, but sometimes is easier said than done. (You’d think this is a lesson that would be drilled down by now, but apparently I need constant reminders. And I wonder where our kids get their stubbornness from.)

In that same vein, I want to say that I understand that Bill has been gone for over a year. I also understand that some people have a low threshold for grief and its stages.  I also understand that sometimes well-intentioned people can say careless things that are hurtful without understanding the depth of pain that their words can cause.

I am thankful that the Lord has sent people into my life who have helped me move forward to a place where I am not angry, where I am not bitter, and where I have lots more moments that I am more hopeful for the future than I am devastated about the past. But I want to be very clear. I will never, NEVER be over losing Bill. I know that I can’t bring him back. But I also know that moving forward with whatever the Lord has planned for our lives in not the same thing as being “over” losing my husband and my girls’ father.

Our future is bright. We do have hope.  But I am reminded EVERY.SINGLE day that Bill is gone- and not just in the everyday moments like putting the girls to bed or sitting on the sofa alone at night. I’m reminded in a million different unexpected ways that completely cut me to the core. Not too long ago while we were walking home from school, out of nowhere Zoey asked me if she died when she was an old woman how would Daddy know it was her when she got to Heaven. She said that if she died now, Daddy would still recognize her and she knew he’d be waiting for her so he could give her lots of hugs and kisses as soon as he saw her. She said she didn’t want to leave me, but she wants to know that Daddy will know her.

Every night I make sure to say the exact same thing to Leah that Bill used to say before she’d go to bed. We talk about how Daddy used to say it, so Mama does it now so that she’ll remember. It’s only been in the last 6 months or so that Leah will even talk about Bill. And every so often she comes to me with tears in her eyes talking about how she misses when Daddy used to tickle and snuggle with her.

While we were at the beach this summer Kaleigh asked me a million times if Daddy would be proud of her for being in the waves or for climbing the dunes or for whatever else she was doing. Just yesterday she said she wished that she could go to Mexico for Dia de los Muertos because they believe the dead can visit you. She didn’t say it, but I know she is hoping that if she were to go to Mexico that somehow she could spend time with Daddy.

It’s overwhelming. Being responsible for these three precious little hearts trying to make sense of everything that has happened. Navigating these hundreds of moments that are constant reminders that he is not here. A friend once said it must be like living in a field full of emotional landmines. Never knowing when another one is going to go off. That’s exactly what it’s like. Don’t get me wrong… I am so thankful the girls feel free to ask any and all the questions and share the thoughts they have about Bill. That’s what I want them to do. I don’t ever want them to feel like they can’t share their thoughts and feelings. But I never know when they are going to happen. And I’m usually unsure of whether or not I’m handling them the best way.

So if you could please pray for me. For wisdom to know how to best guide our girls through all of the questions, fears, emotions, etc… that they experience every day. I know there is absolutely no way for me to anticipate all of the “emotional landmines,” but I am trying to take comfort in knowing that none of them are a surprise to God. My constant prayer is that He would give me the words to soothe the girls’ fears when they come up. If you could also pray just for me in general, I’d appreciate it.  I am learning that my heart is still much more fragile than I thought it was. Or maybe I’m learning just how shielded I have been in so many ways over the last few years. Either way… I’m hurting in ways I honestly never anticipated, and while I am on my knees every day, I would appreciate some back up in the prayer department. Thanks friends. You are all such a blessing to us. Thank you for continuing to sustain us as we walk the road of our new normal. 

Bill's Unofficial Love Language and a Way to Honor His Life

It’s been a while since I’ve updated. Things around here have been pretty good. Sure we have our ups and downs, but for the most part things have been ok. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. We drove down to SC to be with Bill’s family and we also took a quick trip to Atlanta to hang out with one of my closest friends (sister, really) and her girls. I think everyone had a great time, and if you ask the girls what their favorite part of Spring Break was, they’ll tell you it was not the Aquarium or Centennial Park, or even visiting family… their favorite part was swimming in the hotel pool! Typical!

But I digress.  I am writing because a week from today is Bill’s birthday. It’s so hard to believe that we are already here again. In some ways time has passed so slowly, but in other ways it feels like just yesterday. For his birthday last year we invited some of our closest friends over to celebrate. We had Bill’s favorite meal and his yearly birthday cake. As Kaleigh and I talked about his birthday this year, we decided to do something a little different.

To explain our idea, I need to give a little background. Before we had kids, Bill and I went to a “Love Languages” conference at a local church. I’m sure many of you have heard of the book by Gary Chapman about the five love languages, so this was basically learning more about that and how to apply it to your marriage. Well, by the end of the conference my hope was that Bill and I could identify each other’s love languages so that we could be intentional about how we filled each other’s “love tank.” I had no trouble being able to tell Bill what my love language(s) were, but Bill (after much joking about some of them) couldn’t really say which ones were his “top” languages. So this became a running joke between the two of us… his “non-existent” love language.  Until one day after he got super excited about some meal we were having, and I decided that FOOD was Bill’s love language. (If you knew Bill, you know just how excited he could get about food.) He, of course, rolled his eyes at me, but the joke stuck, and from that point on, FOOD became the “Sixth Love Language” (in our house at least.)   

One of the theories in the Love Languages book is that we often show people that we love them by using our own love language. So if my love language is gifts or acts of service, I might give a gift or do something nice for them to show them that I love them. Even though Bill’s love language of FOOD was unofficial, the theory still held true for him. He loved taking me to nice dinners or having good meals here at home. But more importantly, his FOOD love language prompted him to serve in our church’s food pantry. He wanted to be a part of a ministry that helped feed people. That helped provide for their basic needs when they needed help. It was one of his greatest joys to be able to serve in the food pantry. He didn’t get to volunteer nearly as often as he would have liked, but when he came home from helping out, I could tell that it meant so much to him.

This is where Kaleigh and my idea for Bill’s birthday comes into play.  She and I have decided to do a food drive for Reston Bible Church’s Food Pantry in Bill’s honor. We talked about a lot of different ideas, but we felt like having a food drive made the most sense.

So here’s where you come in! My wonderful friend from RBC has created a flyer (see below) giving all of the details of the types of things the Food Pantry really needs. For those of you willing to help us by donating, you can do as the flyer says and take/send the items to RBC or you can bring them/ send them to our house. Starting tomorrow (Monday) I will have a plastic bin on our front porch to put your donations in (in case we aren’t home). I love the idea of dropping things off at the church, but there’s a part of me that would love for the girls to see lots of donations coming here to our house. Once the drive is over, I really want them to be part of delivering what is donated to the church. I think it would be a great experience for them and an opportunity for them to be a part of something that was really important to Daddy.  

My plan is to run the drive until the end of April. So anything you bring/send between now and April 30^th will be donated on behalf of Bill’s name.  Thank you so much for considering helping us out! I am really excited about this, and I know Bill would be too. 

The Anniversary

Today is the day. The year anniversary. I have thought and thought and thought about this day for weeks. What should I do on THE day? For the girls. For me? Should I do anything? The littles would have no idea what day it is if I didn’t tell them. Should I call attention to it? To say that I felt pressure about it is an understatement, so I think in a lot of ways I had convinced myself it would be the same as any other day. And I found myself being really short with people who asked if we were doing anything special (sorry, friends).  I feel like I’m usually pretty good about being able to reflect on what exactly is going on in my heart, but I will tell you the anticipation of today really threw me for a loop.

I realized pretty quickly this morning when I dropped the girls off and all it took was one simple, sweet gesture from one of the teachers to reduce me to tears (to my surprise) that today would not be like every other day. In that moment I realized that for the past year I haven’t really had to brace myself for the “firsts” because almost every holiday had already been spent apart from Bill. Sure, we had access to him through Facetime or texting, but today was truly a “first milestone” for us.

As I reflect back on this day last year, I have so many mixed feelings. In some ways it was the worst day of my life, but in other ways maybe it wasn’t. It’s almost indescribable, really. It is the day that I lost my best friend. The person I had planned to grow old with. Our kids lost their father. Bill’s parents lost their remaining child. For us, the people who love Bill, the day was devastating.

But after a year’s worth of tears, prayer, anger, hopelessness, and soul searching, I’ve really been trying to focus on what this day actually meant for Bill.  For Bill, February 23^rd was not devastating.  February 23^rd was the day that he was finally set free from the horrific fight he had been enduring for almost 2 years. Those of you who followed his journey know how difficult things had been. He had lost so much physically, and he had suffered in more ways than anyone will truly understand. But on this day, he finally was at peace. He was finally able to walk, yes WALK into Heaven.

I don’t want anyone to think that I have come to this perspective lightly. Or that somehow I’m using the “faith card” as a crutch. Or that somehow this is a coping mechanism of sorts.  This year has been one of the hardest I’ve ever experienced. I have questioned everything I’ve ever believed. I have doubted everything I have ever known. I have wrestled with thoughts and feelings I never thought I would have.  But I feel like I am finally coming to a place where yes, I can grieve today, but I can also be thankful that Bill is not suffering. That he is fully healed. And that yes, I truly believe he is in Heaven with God.

We miss him every second of every day. That will never ever change. I’ve had several people remark in bewilderment on how often we talk about him. We will always talk about him. And if you see us… please feel free to talk about him.  Please say his name. He is still part of our family. We will always love him, and I will do everything in my power to keep him “alive” for the girls. They need to know what an amazing dad he was. They need to know that he fought with everything he had to be here for them.

And for me… you don’t have the kind of relationship that Bill and I had and then walk through what we walked through without forever being changed. As one of my dear friends put it, Bill is part of my DNA. He will always be a part of who I am. Right after he passed away I think I wrote a Caring Bridge post where I said being married to Bill and being by his side during his illness will forever be one of the greatest honors of my life. When we took our vows we never imagined this road, but I am so thankful that I was the one that got to be by his side.  To be able to love someone like that and to be loved in return is one of the greatest privileges of all time.

I want to thank all of the many friends and family who acknowledged today in some way. It really does mean so much to know that people still think and pray for us.  He would be so humbled to know how you all have rallied around us over the past year.  

Thank You, Men.

First, I want to thank you for your thoughts and prayers about Bailey. The first few days were really hard, but the girls are doing ok (and asking every day when we can get a new dog.) J

I want to say a sincere thank you to our village who once again rallied around us and helped me clear the sidewalks and driveway during the blizzard. I remember when Bill was first in Boston and we had a snowstorm, I was outside shoveling alone one night (plenty of people had also helped then too, but at that particular time I was alone). Anyway, as I was shoveling, I had this moment where the weight of everything we were going through just kind of hit me. It was beyond overwhelming. My mind was racing with fears and anger and hopelessness. And then a neighbor happened to come outside to help me. I didn’t know this neighbor very well, but as he started shoveling he noticed how upset I was and he stopped me and asked me if he could pray with me. Which surprised me a little, but of course I said yes.  So he prayed for us as I sobbed in the cold on his shoulder.I tell this story because as I was preparing for the blizzard and as I was shoveling this time, I kept thinking about that night. And about how overwhelmed I had been, and how I feel like God really sent him out there in that moment to remind me that I wasn’t as alone as I was feeling. And then I thought about this year with this enormous storm that was coming, and how I didn’t feel overwhelmed at all. Because I knew that God had put people in my life that weren’t going to let me (us) weather the storm alone.

So with that idea in mind, I finally am posting something I wrote back In September about the men in our lives. I’ve debated a lot about how to properly articulate my heart when it comes to all the amazing people we are surrounded by… so here goes.

After Kaleigh was born,  Bill and I read books, took a parenting class, etc…  We talked a lot about all the things we wanted to instill in her (and any other children we had). One of the things we read or learned about was this idea of really teaching your children about healthy relationships. Teaching them from an early age what qualities are important to look for in a spouse (should they ever want to get married).  Obviously, at the time, I thought that our kids would grow up with this amazing example of a good husband every day.  But even with that in mind, Bill and I still wanted to be intentional about talking to our kids about qualities of a good husband. When Kaleigh was little, it came up naturally because she used to ask all the time why I married Daddy. How did Daddy ask you to be his wife?  Once she had asked enough times, she could basically recite the answers back to us.  What was the most important thing about Daddy? That he loved the Lord. What else? He made Mama laugh. He was Mama’s best friend. He respected Mama. He was smart, kind, hardworking, thoughtful, etc… 

Over the last year, I have spent a lot of time wondering how in the world I am supposed to teach our precious girls about healthy relationships.  Of course we still talk about  my relationship with Bill when it comes up. Leah and Zoey like to ask about our wedding and how Daddy proposed. And so I do continue to do my best to tell them all the reasons I wanted to marry Bill, but the truth of the matter is that three years ago, our girls got to experience what a loving, devoted, committed marriage looked like. They saw Mama and Daddy laugh together. Dance in the kitchen together. Hold hands.  Steal a smooch (followed by and “Ewe! Gross!” from Kaleigh). They saw him run to Starbucks to surprise me on a random day with coffee. They saw him take care of me when I was sick or hold me up when I was crying. But now, they are missing out on seeing how two people who love each other serve and take care of one another. Like so many other things, I feel like they are getting robbed of what we wanted for them.

Bill always made a point to say “Girls, look at how beautiful Mama looks today.”  I think about it a lot. Probably more than I should.  About how I’ll never have that again. Someone telling me I’m beautiful in the way that only your husband can.  But more than that, I think about how my girls will never hear it again. Sure, friends might tell me I look nice or whatever, but it’s not the same as hearing Daddy say that Mama looks beautiful. And he would say it if I was dressed up or if I was in a baggy sweatshirt with no makeup. He said it all the time. And he meant it. And the girls saw that a good husband loves his wife no matter what. That someone who really loves you loves for who you are and not for what you look like. (Of course, this is a lesson that I teach them over and over, but again, it pales in comparison to seeing it every day.)

Anyway, so what does this have to do with the snowstorm and shoveling? Well, the more I have prayed about it and thought about it, I realize that just like that day when I was scared and overwhelmed and feeling alone and God sent that neighbor out to comfort me, He has continually done the same thing for our girls. When I think about the example Bill and I wanted for our girls, all I have to do is look around us to the people in our lives. To the people who can still give the girls the example of family that Bill and I wanted to give them. We are blessed to be surrounded by many families that remind the girls of the life we used to have. Husbands and wives who love, respect, and serve each other. Mothers and fathers who set firm boundaries, but are also filled with faith and love. Families who absorb my children into their own, and let them know that they are loved and cared for. 

We have men (family and friends) in our lives who have stepped in for the girls in a million different ways. These amazing, godly men who make it a point to be present for our girls when they can. Family who give them extra attention when they see them. Who show a genuine interest in them. Friends who have families of their own who still take the time to give our girls extra attention.  Who invite the girls to the Daddy/ Daughter Dance, who take a few minutes after church each week to goof off with them.   Who offer to take them out on dates for lunch or laser tag. We have a good friend who picks them up every Sunday and takes them to AWANA. Another amazing friend who came up all the way from Texas to be their “Dad for the Day” at school. The friend who when the weather was nice would race Zoey every morning (and let her win) on the way home from dropping the girls off at school and who loves on the other two just as much. The friend who drove K to school all year last year even when his own daughter was sick just to be a male figure in her life. A friend who comes over with his family and intentionally makes sure each girl gets his undivided attention for a few minutes.  I could go on and on.

Some of these men are honoring promises they made to Bill before he passed away, and others are just loving on our girls because they know they need a father-figure’s love. Either way, thank you. (You know who you are.) Thank you. Thank you for loving our girls. Thank you for loving your wives in front of my girls. For being a model of what a good husband looks like. Thank you for stepping in for me in Bill’s absence with shoveling, computer stuff, plumbing,  etc… and showing the girls that we are still loved.

Thank you for letting them know they are important. What you may believe to be small gestures are making a huge impact on the girls. So again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

For those of you still praying for us, I’d ask that you continue to do so over the next month. Not only are we in the Daddy/Daughter/ Valentine’s Day season, but we are almost at the year anniversary of losing Bill. Next Saturday is the church dance, and Bill’s dad is coming up all the way from SC to take the girls. (Thanks Granddaddy! You are the best!) Please pray that it goes well, and that the girls can have fun even though I’m sure they will be missing Bill. 

Saying Goodbye to Our Old Friend

Ok friends. We need some more prayers. Today we had to unexpectedly say goodbye to our sweet dog, Bailey. I can’t tell you how many emotions are swirling around inside of me… let alone inside of the girls. Bailey was acting funny this weekend so I took him in to run some tests. It turns out he had a huge mass on his spleen… that’s right. Cancer. A type of sarcoma. Because of everything we have gone through over the past three years with this awful illness, and because of Bailey’s age with lots of tears and sadness, we decided to do the humane thing and let him go.

I’m not going to lie. I have been really angry about this being the way we are losing Bailey. I mean, a sarcoma? Not even a year after losing Bill? Basically the same time frame that the kids went to Boston to say goodbye to their dad last year?

I’m angry that my kids are devastated again. I’m weary of feeling helpless when at night the girls not only sob about their daddy, but now they are also sobbing about Bailey. I know a lot of people probably won’t understand the “big deal” because he is “just a dog,” but these precious girls have lost so much this year… I can’t even put into words how hard the idea of losing another important family member has been on them.

And for as many times as I tried to give Bailey away (jokingly) to people who would come visit, and for as many frustrations as I had with his messes, running away, getting into the trash, dog hair everywhere,  etc… I love him too. He was our first baby. He was so skittish when we first got him that the rescue people said he was almost unadoptable. But over time he came out of his shell and became one of the family.  He was the one who sat with me while I was so sick each time I was pregnant. He was the one who would guard us and make us feel safe when Bill was traveling for work. And he was the one (along with the girls at times) who more often than not slept with me at night and made the bed feel less empty once Bill was gone.

I know we did the right thing for Bailey, and I’m so thankful that one of my dear friends came with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone as I said goodbye, but I am so incredibly worried about the girls. Kaleigh understands. She and I had several conversations where she imagined Bill and Bailey playing with each other in Heaven. She even joked that because of the love/hate relationship Bill had with Bailey that when Daddy sees him, he’ll sarcastically be like “Oh great. Bailey’s here.” And then he’ll roll his eyes and have a big smile. But then at other times she has asked why all the boys in our immediate family have to die because of cancer. And then last night she said that Bailey was the last “man” in the house who would protect us and keep us safe. It’s heartbreaking.

I’m also concerned about Leah when she gets home today because no matter how hard I tried to explain what was happening she didn’t seem to want to hear it. She kept saying she thought he would get better. And Zoey is still little. She shows her grief in a different way.  She kept saying she didn’t want Bailey to go, but if he had to she wanted to know when we could get a “step-dog” (kind of like after Bill died she wanted to go buy a new “step-dad.”) 

So friends, please lift us up as we go through yet another wave of emotions and difficult time. I’m emotionally and physically drained. I’m so thankful for all of the friends who knew about what has been going on and who have reached out, but I am still so very tired of having so much on my shoulders. Wanting to be able to care for the girls and their emotional needs, but also needed to find a way to take care of mine too. It’s exhausting.

As always, thanks for your love and support. 

New Year's and Sweet Kaleigh

I hope everyone had a great New Year’s and that you’ve gotten back into the swing of things. The girls and I spent the night continuing most of the traditions our family had before Bill got sick. I think right now there’s a lot of comfort in that- especially for Kaleigh.

We didn’t exactly make resolutions for the new year, but we did talk about things we could do better- the girls focused mostly on changing their attitudes and trying not to fight as much with each other (I think that one lasted maybe three hours). J But we did decide that we wanted the theme of our year to be kindness and thoughtfulness. For three years the girls experienced people going out of their way to show us love and kindness, and now I want us to be the ones who are giving that love to others. (And before my friends (ahem… you know who you are) comment that we did try to do things for others even as we were dealing with our situation, I would say yes we did. However, I want us to do MORE and I want the girls to be more involved in giving back and thinking of others needs before their own.

The three Peas on New Years

On New Year’s Day Kaleigh and I went to see Star Wars. She loved it. I loved watching her watch it. She was so excited and she kept asking if Daddy would have liked it. (I have lots of thoughts about that question, and for those of you who knew Bill, you know he probably would have had a lot of things to say about the new movie. I’m sure he probably would have written one of his infamous movie reviews for all of his friends too.) But I told her, yes. Yes. He would have loved it. Because he would have LOVED to have taken her to it. For me it was bittersweet for so many reasons. I’m a little embarrassed to say that I got pretty teary eyed throughout the movie- really just grieving that he couldn’t be there with us. I think I’ve said this before, but I think it’s the unexpected emotions that really take it out of me. I did not expect to get emotional during Star Wars- I mean… it’s a movie. But I guess that’s the nature of grief. It’s those waves that can sometimes come out of nowhere.

The other big thing that happened this weekend is that Kaleigh turned 10 (what?!). She had a great day and she felt really special with various friends and family calling, leaving FB messages, or bringing over gifts. Every time I’d say she was double digits she would BEAM. I know I write this all the time, but we are so blessed to have been given this amazing villiage of people who love us. Her birthday could have been really hard (and there were certainly tears for Daddy throughout the day), but because of all the love she was given she went to bed and said that it had been the best birthday ever.

As we get back into the swing of things, if you could pray for Kaleigh especially. She misses him so deeply. She’s been having a harder time lately. I don’t know if it’s the time of year or if its her age. Probably both. But we are entering into a hard season what with Valentine’s Day, Father Daughter dances, etc… not to mention last year around this time was when the girls came to Boston to say goodbye to Bill. So the next two months are probably going to be really mixed for all of us, but I think especially for Kaleigh. Bill was her favorite. She always apologizes when she tells me that, but I tell her I totally understand because he was my favorite too. They were two peas in a pod, and my heart just breaks for her (for all of us). Today Zoey said that she felt like she had a crack in her heart because she misses Daddy so much. And I think that pretty much sums it up for all of us. So if you think about us, please lift us up. Thanks. 

This pic popped up on my timehop today. It's one of my favorites.