Saying Goodbye to Our Old Friend

Ok friends. We need some more prayers. Today we had to unexpectedly say goodbye to our sweet dog, Bailey. I can’t tell you how many emotions are swirling around inside of me… let alone inside of the girls. Bailey was acting funny this weekend so I took him in to run some tests. It turns out he had a huge mass on his spleen… that’s right. Cancer. A type of sarcoma. Because of everything we have gone through over the past three years with this awful illness, and because of Bailey’s age with lots of tears and sadness, we decided to do the humane thing and let him go.

I’m not going to lie. I have been really angry about this being the way we are losing Bailey. I mean, a sarcoma? Not even a year after losing Bill? Basically the same time frame that the kids went to Boston to say goodbye to their dad last year?

I’m angry that my kids are devastated again. I’m weary of feeling helpless when at night the girls not only sob about their daddy, but now they are also sobbing about Bailey. I know a lot of people probably won’t understand the “big deal” because he is “just a dog,” but these precious girls have lost so much this year… I can’t even put into words how hard the idea of losing another important family member has been on them.

And for as many times as I tried to give Bailey away (jokingly) to people who would come visit, and for as many frustrations as I had with his messes, running away, getting into the trash, dog hair everywhere,  etc… I love him too. He was our first baby. He was so skittish when we first got him that the rescue people said he was almost unadoptable. But over time he came out of his shell and became one of the family.  He was the one who sat with me while I was so sick each time I was pregnant. He was the one who would guard us and make us feel safe when Bill was traveling for work. And he was the one (along with the girls at times) who more often than not slept with me at night and made the bed feel less empty once Bill was gone.

I know we did the right thing for Bailey, and I’m so thankful that one of my dear friends came with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone as I said goodbye, but I am so incredibly worried about the girls. Kaleigh understands. She and I had several conversations where she imagined Bill and Bailey playing with each other in Heaven. She even joked that because of the love/hate relationship Bill had with Bailey that when Daddy sees him, he’ll sarcastically be like “Oh great. Bailey’s here.” And then he’ll roll his eyes and have a big smile. But then at other times she has asked why all the boys in our immediate family have to die because of cancer. And then last night she said that Bailey was the last “man” in the house who would protect us and keep us safe. It’s heartbreaking.

I’m also concerned about Leah when she gets home today because no matter how hard I tried to explain what was happening she didn’t seem to want to hear it. She kept saying she thought he would get better. And Zoey is still little. She shows her grief in a different way.  She kept saying she didn’t want Bailey to go, but if he had to she wanted to know when we could get a “step-dog” (kind of like after Bill died she wanted to go buy a new “step-dad.”) 

So friends, please lift us up as we go through yet another wave of emotions and difficult time. I’m emotionally and physically drained. I’m so thankful for all of the friends who knew about what has been going on and who have reached out, but I am still so very tired of having so much on my shoulders. Wanting to be able to care for the girls and their emotional needs, but also needed to find a way to take care of mine too. It’s exhausting.

As always, thanks for your love and support.