Thank You, Men.

First, I want to thank you for your thoughts and prayers about Bailey. The first few days were really hard, but the girls are doing ok (and asking every day when we can get a new dog.) J

I want to say a sincere thank you to our village who once again rallied around us and helped me clear the sidewalks and driveway during the blizzard. I remember when Bill was first in Boston and we had a snowstorm, I was outside shoveling alone one night (plenty of people had also helped then too, but at that particular time I was alone). Anyway, as I was shoveling, I had this moment where the weight of everything we were going through just kind of hit me. It was beyond overwhelming. My mind was racing with fears and anger and hopelessness. And then a neighbor happened to come outside to help me. I didn’t know this neighbor very well, but as he started shoveling he noticed how upset I was and he stopped me and asked me if he could pray with me. Which surprised me a little, but of course I said yes.  So he prayed for us as I sobbed in the cold on his shoulder.I tell this story because as I was preparing for the blizzard and as I was shoveling this time, I kept thinking about that night. And about how overwhelmed I had been, and how I feel like God really sent him out there in that moment to remind me that I wasn’t as alone as I was feeling. And then I thought about this year with this enormous storm that was coming, and how I didn’t feel overwhelmed at all. Because I knew that God had put people in my life that weren’t going to let me (us) weather the storm alone.

So with that idea in mind, I finally am posting something I wrote back In September about the men in our lives. I’ve debated a lot about how to properly articulate my heart when it comes to all the amazing people we are surrounded by… so here goes.

After Kaleigh was born,  Bill and I read books, took a parenting class, etc…  We talked a lot about all the things we wanted to instill in her (and any other children we had). One of the things we read or learned about was this idea of really teaching your children about healthy relationships. Teaching them from an early age what qualities are important to look for in a spouse (should they ever want to get married).  Obviously, at the time, I thought that our kids would grow up with this amazing example of a good husband every day.  But even with that in mind, Bill and I still wanted to be intentional about talking to our kids about qualities of a good husband. When Kaleigh was little, it came up naturally because she used to ask all the time why I married Daddy. How did Daddy ask you to be his wife?  Once she had asked enough times, she could basically recite the answers back to us.  What was the most important thing about Daddy? That he loved the Lord. What else? He made Mama laugh. He was Mama’s best friend. He respected Mama. He was smart, kind, hardworking, thoughtful, etc… 

Over the last year, I have spent a lot of time wondering how in the world I am supposed to teach our precious girls about healthy relationships.  Of course we still talk about  my relationship with Bill when it comes up. Leah and Zoey like to ask about our wedding and how Daddy proposed. And so I do continue to do my best to tell them all the reasons I wanted to marry Bill, but the truth of the matter is that three years ago, our girls got to experience what a loving, devoted, committed marriage looked like. They saw Mama and Daddy laugh together. Dance in the kitchen together. Hold hands.  Steal a smooch (followed by and “Ewe! Gross!” from Kaleigh). They saw him run to Starbucks to surprise me on a random day with coffee. They saw him take care of me when I was sick or hold me up when I was crying. But now, they are missing out on seeing how two people who love each other serve and take care of one another. Like so many other things, I feel like they are getting robbed of what we wanted for them.

Bill always made a point to say “Girls, look at how beautiful Mama looks today.”  I think about it a lot. Probably more than I should.  About how I’ll never have that again. Someone telling me I’m beautiful in the way that only your husband can.  But more than that, I think about how my girls will never hear it again. Sure, friends might tell me I look nice or whatever, but it’s not the same as hearing Daddy say that Mama looks beautiful. And he would say it if I was dressed up or if I was in a baggy sweatshirt with no makeup. He said it all the time. And he meant it. And the girls saw that a good husband loves his wife no matter what. That someone who really loves you loves for who you are and not for what you look like. (Of course, this is a lesson that I teach them over and over, but again, it pales in comparison to seeing it every day.)

Anyway, so what does this have to do with the snowstorm and shoveling? Well, the more I have prayed about it and thought about it, I realize that just like that day when I was scared and overwhelmed and feeling alone and God sent that neighbor out to comfort me, He has continually done the same thing for our girls. When I think about the example Bill and I wanted for our girls, all I have to do is look around us to the people in our lives. To the people who can still give the girls the example of family that Bill and I wanted to give them. We are blessed to be surrounded by many families that remind the girls of the life we used to have. Husbands and wives who love, respect, and serve each other. Mothers and fathers who set firm boundaries, but are also filled with faith and love. Families who absorb my children into their own, and let them know that they are loved and cared for. 

We have men (family and friends) in our lives who have stepped in for the girls in a million different ways. These amazing, godly men who make it a point to be present for our girls when they can. Family who give them extra attention when they see them. Who show a genuine interest in them. Friends who have families of their own who still take the time to give our girls extra attention.  Who invite the girls to the Daddy/ Daughter Dance, who take a few minutes after church each week to goof off with them.   Who offer to take them out on dates for lunch or laser tag. We have a good friend who picks them up every Sunday and takes them to AWANA. Another amazing friend who came up all the way from Texas to be their “Dad for the Day” at school. The friend who when the weather was nice would race Zoey every morning (and let her win) on the way home from dropping the girls off at school and who loves on the other two just as much. The friend who drove K to school all year last year even when his own daughter was sick just to be a male figure in her life. A friend who comes over with his family and intentionally makes sure each girl gets his undivided attention for a few minutes.  I could go on and on.

Some of these men are honoring promises they made to Bill before he passed away, and others are just loving on our girls because they know they need a father-figure’s love. Either way, thank you. (You know who you are.) Thank you. Thank you for loving our girls. Thank you for loving your wives in front of my girls. For being a model of what a good husband looks like. Thank you for stepping in for me in Bill’s absence with shoveling, computer stuff, plumbing,  etc… and showing the girls that we are still loved.

Thank you for letting them know they are important. What you may believe to be small gestures are making a huge impact on the girls. So again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

For those of you still praying for us, I’d ask that you continue to do so over the next month. Not only are we in the Daddy/Daughter/ Valentine’s Day season, but we are almost at the year anniversary of losing Bill. Next Saturday is the church dance, and Bill’s dad is coming up all the way from SC to take the girls. (Thanks Granddaddy! You are the best!) Please pray that it goes well, and that the girls can have fun even though I’m sure they will be missing Bill. 

Saying Goodbye to Our Old Friend

Ok friends. We need some more prayers. Today we had to unexpectedly say goodbye to our sweet dog, Bailey. I can’t tell you how many emotions are swirling around inside of me… let alone inside of the girls. Bailey was acting funny this weekend so I took him in to run some tests. It turns out he had a huge mass on his spleen… that’s right. Cancer. A type of sarcoma. Because of everything we have gone through over the past three years with this awful illness, and because of Bailey’s age with lots of tears and sadness, we decided to do the humane thing and let him go.

I’m not going to lie. I have been really angry about this being the way we are losing Bailey. I mean, a sarcoma? Not even a year after losing Bill? Basically the same time frame that the kids went to Boston to say goodbye to their dad last year?

I’m angry that my kids are devastated again. I’m weary of feeling helpless when at night the girls not only sob about their daddy, but now they are also sobbing about Bailey. I know a lot of people probably won’t understand the “big deal” because he is “just a dog,” but these precious girls have lost so much this year… I can’t even put into words how hard the idea of losing another important family member has been on them.

And for as many times as I tried to give Bailey away (jokingly) to people who would come visit, and for as many frustrations as I had with his messes, running away, getting into the trash, dog hair everywhere,  etc… I love him too. He was our first baby. He was so skittish when we first got him that the rescue people said he was almost unadoptable. But over time he came out of his shell and became one of the family.  He was the one who sat with me while I was so sick each time I was pregnant. He was the one who would guard us and make us feel safe when Bill was traveling for work. And he was the one (along with the girls at times) who more often than not slept with me at night and made the bed feel less empty once Bill was gone.

I know we did the right thing for Bailey, and I’m so thankful that one of my dear friends came with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone as I said goodbye, but I am so incredibly worried about the girls. Kaleigh understands. She and I had several conversations where she imagined Bill and Bailey playing with each other in Heaven. She even joked that because of the love/hate relationship Bill had with Bailey that when Daddy sees him, he’ll sarcastically be like “Oh great. Bailey’s here.” And then he’ll roll his eyes and have a big smile. But then at other times she has asked why all the boys in our immediate family have to die because of cancer. And then last night she said that Bailey was the last “man” in the house who would protect us and keep us safe. It’s heartbreaking.

I’m also concerned about Leah when she gets home today because no matter how hard I tried to explain what was happening she didn’t seem to want to hear it. She kept saying she thought he would get better. And Zoey is still little. She shows her grief in a different way.  She kept saying she didn’t want Bailey to go, but if he had to she wanted to know when we could get a “step-dog” (kind of like after Bill died she wanted to go buy a new “step-dad.”) 

So friends, please lift us up as we go through yet another wave of emotions and difficult time. I’m emotionally and physically drained. I’m so thankful for all of the friends who knew about what has been going on and who have reached out, but I am still so very tired of having so much on my shoulders. Wanting to be able to care for the girls and their emotional needs, but also needed to find a way to take care of mine too. It’s exhausting.

As always, thanks for your love and support. 

New Year's and Sweet Kaleigh

I hope everyone had a great New Year’s and that you’ve gotten back into the swing of things. The girls and I spent the night continuing most of the traditions our family had before Bill got sick. I think right now there’s a lot of comfort in that- especially for Kaleigh.

We didn’t exactly make resolutions for the new year, but we did talk about things we could do better- the girls focused mostly on changing their attitudes and trying not to fight as much with each other (I think that one lasted maybe three hours). J But we did decide that we wanted the theme of our year to be kindness and thoughtfulness. For three years the girls experienced people going out of their way to show us love and kindness, and now I want us to be the ones who are giving that love to others. (And before my friends (ahem… you know who you are) comment that we did try to do things for others even as we were dealing with our situation, I would say yes we did. However, I want us to do MORE and I want the girls to be more involved in giving back and thinking of others needs before their own.

The three Peas on New Years

On New Year’s Day Kaleigh and I went to see Star Wars. She loved it. I loved watching her watch it. She was so excited and she kept asking if Daddy would have liked it. (I have lots of thoughts about that question, and for those of you who knew Bill, you know he probably would have had a lot of things to say about the new movie. I’m sure he probably would have written one of his infamous movie reviews for all of his friends too.) But I told her, yes. Yes. He would have loved it. Because he would have LOVED to have taken her to it. For me it was bittersweet for so many reasons. I’m a little embarrassed to say that I got pretty teary eyed throughout the movie- really just grieving that he couldn’t be there with us. I think I’ve said this before, but I think it’s the unexpected emotions that really take it out of me. I did not expect to get emotional during Star Wars- I mean… it’s a movie. But I guess that’s the nature of grief. It’s those waves that can sometimes come out of nowhere.

The other big thing that happened this weekend is that Kaleigh turned 10 (what?!). She had a great day and she felt really special with various friends and family calling, leaving FB messages, or bringing over gifts. Every time I’d say she was double digits she would BEAM. I know I write this all the time, but we are so blessed to have been given this amazing villiage of people who love us. Her birthday could have been really hard (and there were certainly tears for Daddy throughout the day), but because of all the love she was given she went to bed and said that it had been the best birthday ever.

As we get back into the swing of things, if you could pray for Kaleigh especially. She misses him so deeply. She’s been having a harder time lately. I don’t know if it’s the time of year or if its her age. Probably both. But we are entering into a hard season what with Valentine’s Day, Father Daughter dances, etc… not to mention last year around this time was when the girls came to Boston to say goodbye to Bill. So the next two months are probably going to be really mixed for all of us, but I think especially for Kaleigh. Bill was her favorite. She always apologizes when she tells me that, but I tell her I totally understand because he was my favorite too. They were two peas in a pod, and my heart just breaks for her (for all of us). Today Zoey said that she felt like she had a crack in her heart because she misses Daddy so much. And I think that pretty much sums it up for all of us. So if you think about us, please lift us up. Thanks. 

This pic popped up on my timehop today. It's one of my favorites.