The Anniversary

Today is the day. The year anniversary. I have thought and thought and thought about this day for weeks. What should I do on THE day? For the girls. For me? Should I do anything? The littles would have no idea what day it is if I didn’t tell them. Should I call attention to it? To say that I felt pressure about it is an understatement, so I think in a lot of ways I had convinced myself it would be the same as any other day. And I found myself being really short with people who asked if we were doing anything special (sorry, friends).  I feel like I’m usually pretty good about being able to reflect on what exactly is going on in my heart, but I will tell you the anticipation of today really threw me for a loop.

I realized pretty quickly this morning when I dropped the girls off and all it took was one simple, sweet gesture from one of the teachers to reduce me to tears (to my surprise) that today would not be like every other day. In that moment I realized that for the past year I haven’t really had to brace myself for the “firsts” because almost every holiday had already been spent apart from Bill. Sure, we had access to him through Facetime or texting, but today was truly a “first milestone” for us.

As I reflect back on this day last year, I have so many mixed feelings. In some ways it was the worst day of my life, but in other ways maybe it wasn’t. It’s almost indescribable, really. It is the day that I lost my best friend. The person I had planned to grow old with. Our kids lost their father. Bill’s parents lost their remaining child. For us, the people who love Bill, the day was devastating.

But after a year’s worth of tears, prayer, anger, hopelessness, and soul searching, I’ve really been trying to focus on what this day actually meant for Bill.  For Bill, February 23^rd was not devastating.  February 23^rd was the day that he was finally set free from the horrific fight he had been enduring for almost 2 years. Those of you who followed his journey know how difficult things had been. He had lost so much physically, and he had suffered in more ways than anyone will truly understand. But on this day, he finally was at peace. He was finally able to walk, yes WALK into Heaven.

I don’t want anyone to think that I have come to this perspective lightly. Or that somehow I’m using the “faith card” as a crutch. Or that somehow this is a coping mechanism of sorts.  This year has been one of the hardest I’ve ever experienced. I have questioned everything I’ve ever believed. I have doubted everything I have ever known. I have wrestled with thoughts and feelings I never thought I would have.  But I feel like I am finally coming to a place where yes, I can grieve today, but I can also be thankful that Bill is not suffering. That he is fully healed. And that yes, I truly believe he is in Heaven with God.

We miss him every second of every day. That will never ever change. I’ve had several people remark in bewilderment on how often we talk about him. We will always talk about him. And if you see us… please feel free to talk about him.  Please say his name. He is still part of our family. We will always love him, and I will do everything in my power to keep him “alive” for the girls. They need to know what an amazing dad he was. They need to know that he fought with everything he had to be here for them.

And for me… you don’t have the kind of relationship that Bill and I had and then walk through what we walked through without forever being changed. As one of my dear friends put it, Bill is part of my DNA. He will always be a part of who I am. Right after he passed away I think I wrote a Caring Bridge post where I said being married to Bill and being by his side during his illness will forever be one of the greatest honors of my life. When we took our vows we never imagined this road, but I am so thankful that I was the one that got to be by his side.  To be able to love someone like that and to be loved in return is one of the greatest privileges of all time.

I want to thank all of the many friends and family who acknowledged today in some way. It really does mean so much to know that people still think and pray for us.  He would be so humbled to know how you all have rallied around us over the past year.  

Thank You, Men.

First, I want to thank you for your thoughts and prayers about Bailey. The first few days were really hard, but the girls are doing ok (and asking every day when we can get a new dog.) J

I want to say a sincere thank you to our village who once again rallied around us and helped me clear the sidewalks and driveway during the blizzard. I remember when Bill was first in Boston and we had a snowstorm, I was outside shoveling alone one night (plenty of people had also helped then too, but at that particular time I was alone). Anyway, as I was shoveling, I had this moment where the weight of everything we were going through just kind of hit me. It was beyond overwhelming. My mind was racing with fears and anger and hopelessness. And then a neighbor happened to come outside to help me. I didn’t know this neighbor very well, but as he started shoveling he noticed how upset I was and he stopped me and asked me if he could pray with me. Which surprised me a little, but of course I said yes.  So he prayed for us as I sobbed in the cold on his shoulder.I tell this story because as I was preparing for the blizzard and as I was shoveling this time, I kept thinking about that night. And about how overwhelmed I had been, and how I feel like God really sent him out there in that moment to remind me that I wasn’t as alone as I was feeling. And then I thought about this year with this enormous storm that was coming, and how I didn’t feel overwhelmed at all. Because I knew that God had put people in my life that weren’t going to let me (us) weather the storm alone.

So with that idea in mind, I finally am posting something I wrote back In September about the men in our lives. I’ve debated a lot about how to properly articulate my heart when it comes to all the amazing people we are surrounded by… so here goes.

After Kaleigh was born,  Bill and I read books, took a parenting class, etc…  We talked a lot about all the things we wanted to instill in her (and any other children we had). One of the things we read or learned about was this idea of really teaching your children about healthy relationships. Teaching them from an early age what qualities are important to look for in a spouse (should they ever want to get married).  Obviously, at the time, I thought that our kids would grow up with this amazing example of a good husband every day.  But even with that in mind, Bill and I still wanted to be intentional about talking to our kids about qualities of a good husband. When Kaleigh was little, it came up naturally because she used to ask all the time why I married Daddy. How did Daddy ask you to be his wife?  Once she had asked enough times, she could basically recite the answers back to us.  What was the most important thing about Daddy? That he loved the Lord. What else? He made Mama laugh. He was Mama’s best friend. He respected Mama. He was smart, kind, hardworking, thoughtful, etc… 

Over the last year, I have spent a lot of time wondering how in the world I am supposed to teach our precious girls about healthy relationships.  Of course we still talk about  my relationship with Bill when it comes up. Leah and Zoey like to ask about our wedding and how Daddy proposed. And so I do continue to do my best to tell them all the reasons I wanted to marry Bill, but the truth of the matter is that three years ago, our girls got to experience what a loving, devoted, committed marriage looked like. They saw Mama and Daddy laugh together. Dance in the kitchen together. Hold hands.  Steal a smooch (followed by and “Ewe! Gross!” from Kaleigh). They saw him run to Starbucks to surprise me on a random day with coffee. They saw him take care of me when I was sick or hold me up when I was crying. But now, they are missing out on seeing how two people who love each other serve and take care of one another. Like so many other things, I feel like they are getting robbed of what we wanted for them.

Bill always made a point to say “Girls, look at how beautiful Mama looks today.”  I think about it a lot. Probably more than I should.  About how I’ll never have that again. Someone telling me I’m beautiful in the way that only your husband can.  But more than that, I think about how my girls will never hear it again. Sure, friends might tell me I look nice or whatever, but it’s not the same as hearing Daddy say that Mama looks beautiful. And he would say it if I was dressed up or if I was in a baggy sweatshirt with no makeup. He said it all the time. And he meant it. And the girls saw that a good husband loves his wife no matter what. That someone who really loves you loves for who you are and not for what you look like. (Of course, this is a lesson that I teach them over and over, but again, it pales in comparison to seeing it every day.)

Anyway, so what does this have to do with the snowstorm and shoveling? Well, the more I have prayed about it and thought about it, I realize that just like that day when I was scared and overwhelmed and feeling alone and God sent that neighbor out to comfort me, He has continually done the same thing for our girls. When I think about the example Bill and I wanted for our girls, all I have to do is look around us to the people in our lives. To the people who can still give the girls the example of family that Bill and I wanted to give them. We are blessed to be surrounded by many families that remind the girls of the life we used to have. Husbands and wives who love, respect, and serve each other. Mothers and fathers who set firm boundaries, but are also filled with faith and love. Families who absorb my children into their own, and let them know that they are loved and cared for. 

We have men (family and friends) in our lives who have stepped in for the girls in a million different ways. These amazing, godly men who make it a point to be present for our girls when they can. Family who give them extra attention when they see them. Who show a genuine interest in them. Friends who have families of their own who still take the time to give our girls extra attention.  Who invite the girls to the Daddy/ Daughter Dance, who take a few minutes after church each week to goof off with them.   Who offer to take them out on dates for lunch or laser tag. We have a good friend who picks them up every Sunday and takes them to AWANA. Another amazing friend who came up all the way from Texas to be their “Dad for the Day” at school. The friend who when the weather was nice would race Zoey every morning (and let her win) on the way home from dropping the girls off at school and who loves on the other two just as much. The friend who drove K to school all year last year even when his own daughter was sick just to be a male figure in her life. A friend who comes over with his family and intentionally makes sure each girl gets his undivided attention for a few minutes.  I could go on and on.

Some of these men are honoring promises they made to Bill before he passed away, and others are just loving on our girls because they know they need a father-figure’s love. Either way, thank you. (You know who you are.) Thank you. Thank you for loving our girls. Thank you for loving your wives in front of my girls. For being a model of what a good husband looks like. Thank you for stepping in for me in Bill’s absence with shoveling, computer stuff, plumbing,  etc… and showing the girls that we are still loved.

Thank you for letting them know they are important. What you may believe to be small gestures are making a huge impact on the girls. So again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

For those of you still praying for us, I’d ask that you continue to do so over the next month. Not only are we in the Daddy/Daughter/ Valentine’s Day season, but we are almost at the year anniversary of losing Bill. Next Saturday is the church dance, and Bill’s dad is coming up all the way from SC to take the girls. (Thanks Granddaddy! You are the best!) Please pray that it goes well, and that the girls can have fun even though I’m sure they will be missing Bill. 

Saying Goodbye to Our Old Friend

Ok friends. We need some more prayers. Today we had to unexpectedly say goodbye to our sweet dog, Bailey. I can’t tell you how many emotions are swirling around inside of me… let alone inside of the girls. Bailey was acting funny this weekend so I took him in to run some tests. It turns out he had a huge mass on his spleen… that’s right. Cancer. A type of sarcoma. Because of everything we have gone through over the past three years with this awful illness, and because of Bailey’s age with lots of tears and sadness, we decided to do the humane thing and let him go.

I’m not going to lie. I have been really angry about this being the way we are losing Bailey. I mean, a sarcoma? Not even a year after losing Bill? Basically the same time frame that the kids went to Boston to say goodbye to their dad last year?

I’m angry that my kids are devastated again. I’m weary of feeling helpless when at night the girls not only sob about their daddy, but now they are also sobbing about Bailey. I know a lot of people probably won’t understand the “big deal” because he is “just a dog,” but these precious girls have lost so much this year… I can’t even put into words how hard the idea of losing another important family member has been on them.

And for as many times as I tried to give Bailey away (jokingly) to people who would come visit, and for as many frustrations as I had with his messes, running away, getting into the trash, dog hair everywhere,  etc… I love him too. He was our first baby. He was so skittish when we first got him that the rescue people said he was almost unadoptable. But over time he came out of his shell and became one of the family.  He was the one who sat with me while I was so sick each time I was pregnant. He was the one who would guard us and make us feel safe when Bill was traveling for work. And he was the one (along with the girls at times) who more often than not slept with me at night and made the bed feel less empty once Bill was gone.

I know we did the right thing for Bailey, and I’m so thankful that one of my dear friends came with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone as I said goodbye, but I am so incredibly worried about the girls. Kaleigh understands. She and I had several conversations where she imagined Bill and Bailey playing with each other in Heaven. She even joked that because of the love/hate relationship Bill had with Bailey that when Daddy sees him, he’ll sarcastically be like “Oh great. Bailey’s here.” And then he’ll roll his eyes and have a big smile. But then at other times she has asked why all the boys in our immediate family have to die because of cancer. And then last night she said that Bailey was the last “man” in the house who would protect us and keep us safe. It’s heartbreaking.

I’m also concerned about Leah when she gets home today because no matter how hard I tried to explain what was happening she didn’t seem to want to hear it. She kept saying she thought he would get better. And Zoey is still little. She shows her grief in a different way.  She kept saying she didn’t want Bailey to go, but if he had to she wanted to know when we could get a “step-dog” (kind of like after Bill died she wanted to go buy a new “step-dad.”) 

So friends, please lift us up as we go through yet another wave of emotions and difficult time. I’m emotionally and physically drained. I’m so thankful for all of the friends who knew about what has been going on and who have reached out, but I am still so very tired of having so much on my shoulders. Wanting to be able to care for the girls and their emotional needs, but also needed to find a way to take care of mine too. It’s exhausting.

As always, thanks for your love and support. 

New Year's and Sweet Kaleigh

I hope everyone had a great New Year’s and that you’ve gotten back into the swing of things. The girls and I spent the night continuing most of the traditions our family had before Bill got sick. I think right now there’s a lot of comfort in that- especially for Kaleigh.

We didn’t exactly make resolutions for the new year, but we did talk about things we could do better- the girls focused mostly on changing their attitudes and trying not to fight as much with each other (I think that one lasted maybe three hours). J But we did decide that we wanted the theme of our year to be kindness and thoughtfulness. For three years the girls experienced people going out of their way to show us love and kindness, and now I want us to be the ones who are giving that love to others. (And before my friends (ahem… you know who you are) comment that we did try to do things for others even as we were dealing with our situation, I would say yes we did. However, I want us to do MORE and I want the girls to be more involved in giving back and thinking of others needs before their own.

The three Peas on New Years

On New Year’s Day Kaleigh and I went to see Star Wars. She loved it. I loved watching her watch it. She was so excited and she kept asking if Daddy would have liked it. (I have lots of thoughts about that question, and for those of you who knew Bill, you know he probably would have had a lot of things to say about the new movie. I’m sure he probably would have written one of his infamous movie reviews for all of his friends too.) But I told her, yes. Yes. He would have loved it. Because he would have LOVED to have taken her to it. For me it was bittersweet for so many reasons. I’m a little embarrassed to say that I got pretty teary eyed throughout the movie- really just grieving that he couldn’t be there with us. I think I’ve said this before, but I think it’s the unexpected emotions that really take it out of me. I did not expect to get emotional during Star Wars- I mean… it’s a movie. But I guess that’s the nature of grief. It’s those waves that can sometimes come out of nowhere.

The other big thing that happened this weekend is that Kaleigh turned 10 (what?!). She had a great day and she felt really special with various friends and family calling, leaving FB messages, or bringing over gifts. Every time I’d say she was double digits she would BEAM. I know I write this all the time, but we are so blessed to have been given this amazing villiage of people who love us. Her birthday could have been really hard (and there were certainly tears for Daddy throughout the day), but because of all the love she was given she went to bed and said that it had been the best birthday ever.

As we get back into the swing of things, if you could pray for Kaleigh especially. She misses him so deeply. She’s been having a harder time lately. I don’t know if it’s the time of year or if its her age. Probably both. But we are entering into a hard season what with Valentine’s Day, Father Daughter dances, etc… not to mention last year around this time was when the girls came to Boston to say goodbye to Bill. So the next two months are probably going to be really mixed for all of us, but I think especially for Kaleigh. Bill was her favorite. She always apologizes when she tells me that, but I tell her I totally understand because he was my favorite too. They were two peas in a pod, and my heart just breaks for her (for all of us). Today Zoey said that she felt like she had a crack in her heart because she misses Daddy so much. And I think that pretty much sums it up for all of us. So if you think about us, please lift us up. Thanks. 

This pic popped up on my timehop today. It's one of my favorites. 

Christmas

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Thank you so much for all of your prayers over the last few weeks. It’s been such a bittersweet time, but your words of encouragement and love have really made all the difference.

Leah had a sweet little family birthday with some of our closest friends and their daughters. We’ve entered the “girls only” territory, it would seem. Thankfully, many our family friends are filled with girls just like us.  Leah wanted a Frozen themed party, so I hung snowflakes and made an Elsa cake. Nothing too elaborate, but she felt loved and special, which is all I wanted for her.

We traveled down to South Carolina to spend Christmas with Bill’s family just like we always used to do. It’s so funny when I think about Christmas pasts because I had this almost obsessive need to make sure we had family traditions. Bill was very patient with me, but for whatever reason (probably because I remember the traditions my own family had- especially Christmas Eve- with such nostalgia) I would constantly try to find “better” things for us to do each year. Looking back on it, I feel a mix of frustration and sympathy for myself as this mother who wanted to do everything she could to make Christmas magical for her kids… never realizing that the real magic for the girls (and for me) would be in just being able to celebrate it with their dad. 

Everyone talks about “the firsts” after someone dies being the hardest. For us, this notion becomes a little fuzzy because in reality this was the third Christmas that we had to celebrate without Bill. Sure, he was in Boston, so we had access to him, but he wasn’t here to watch the girls open presents, etc… So I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from this real “first Christmas without him.” How would the girls do? How would I do? His family? I think as the time came closer to us going to SC, I became more nervous about my emotional state being down there without him than anything.

We drove to Richmond on Monday and the girls were able to spend some time with my parents and we even had an impromptu playdate with one of my best friends and her family. We got up early and drove the rest of the way. The last couple of times we have gone to his parents’ house, it takes me a minute to compose myself once we get there. So many memories are there of us. The first time Bill brought me “home” for Christmas with his family. The girls as babies in the crib they used to have. Me being SO sick while I was pregnant with Zoey in one of their bathrooms.  Bill is everywhere. And since I don’t go to his parents’ house that often, the memories always flood over me for the first few minutes that I’m there (I guess this is more of the “Embracing” I wrote about before.)

The girls were so excited to be with Bill’s parents. We continued our tradition of going to see the Zoo Lights which was lots of fun (even though the threat of rain loomed over us the whole time!) We got to have lunch with a lot of family from Bill’s mom’s side which was so great. We ALL made Christmas cookies on Christmas Eve morning because one of Kaleigh’s Christmas Wish List items is that we could do something all together that day. Granddaddy gave us a hard time (now I know where his son got it from), but I think he secretly enjoyed it. At one point when he was teasing about doing 

the cookies, Kaleigh said, “Granddaddy, what do you think Santa would say about your Christmas spirit right now?!”

Making Christmas Cookies

Zoo Lights

We went to Christmas Eve service at Bill’s parents’ church (something we hadn’t done before because the girls were so little), but something I’ve always wanted to do. We even got to see Granddaddy singing in the choir. I have to admit that watching his dad sing really got to me. This is a man who has been through so much- SO much- over the last 20 years. And he is still able to stand in front of people and sing praises to God. When Bill’s sister was sick for all those years I used to tell people that his mom was my “faith role model.” That one day I wanted to be able to have the kind of seemingly unshakeable faith that she had. Watching Granddaddy up there singing on Christmas Eve after everything that has happened- I don’t know- it was a really profound moment for me.

On Christmas Day we went to New Zion to Bill’s grandfather’s house. It was great to be with Bill’s dad’s side of the family. The girls played with cousins and with the warm temperatures they even got to play outside.  I’m so glad they were able to see Great-Granddaddy too. He is 97 years old, and it’s such a gift for them to be able to know him.

Bill's cousin made us some awesome shirts!

Kaleigh gave Great G-Daddy a Santa hat! 

Before we left for the day Bill’s parents went out to the cemetery. I knew they would probably be going, and it’s something I had thought about for weeks. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I just couldn’t do it. Call it denial. Call it weakness. I’m just not ready. Maybe there’s a part of me that is pretending he’s still in Boston- or even on a business trip. I don’t know. I just can’t. I beat myself up because I feel like a good wife would be able to go. Shouldn’t I want to be there? I just can’t. Not yet.

 

The day after Christmas some more family came over and the girls got to play with them. We are really so blessed to have so many family members on both sides who care so deeply for us. I grew up really close to my family, and although there is a greater distance between us and Bill’s side of the family, my prayer is that we can see them enough throughout each year that the girls will have the same deep bonds that I had with my family growing up.

We rounded out the week with another family activity. Kaleigh got Apples to Apples for Christmas and she wanted everyone to play, so each adult teamed up and we got to play together. It was a really great time, and I think it’s one of those memories that will stick with the girls. Leah is still talking about how Granddaddy tried to convince her that pimples are more famous that Mexico, and that she picked mama’s card instead of Granddaddy’s. (Take that! Granddaddy!) J

On Sunday the girls and I attempted to drive back to NOVA. I say “attempted” because as we were driving on 295 just outside of Richmond, the van decided it didn’t want to “go” any more. I am so thankful that I was able to quickly pull over because it could have been really bad. I’m not going to lie. I was pretty upset. At first.  I mean, here I am in a van packed to the gills with stuff, not to mention three precious kids, and I break down? Alone?! Seriously?! (Remember this is piggy backing off of a flooded basement and several other recent frustrations). But my irritation quickly turned to thankfulness that we were ok, and that I didn’t break down in the middle of nowhere. I broke down 30 minutes from where I grew up.

I called my uncle and he and my aunt came and picked us up. They even have a van, so we were able to get a lot of our stuff to take with us. We ended up spending an extra two nights in Richmond so the van could be fixed (it was minor, thankfully). Uncle Hector told me of all the places we broke down, I ended up in the best possible spot. So, once again, I was counting our blessings.

Aunt Cathy keeping the littles occupied while we transferred stuff into their van.

We are safely home now and gearing up for New Years. I’m so thankful for the last few weeks having gone as well as they have, and I am praying that tonight the girls and I can focus on what we do have instead of what we are missing. Happy New Year, Friends! 

Prayers for This Week

Two entries in a week. You’d think I have all kind of free time on my hands- which is definitely not the case. I am writing to ask for prayers- lots of them. This week is proving harder than I anticipated. You see, it was a year ago this week that Bill had his last surgery. For a million different reasons this week last year was difficult: the fear and the uncertainty swirling around us for the second year in row; trying to remain hopeful, but also trying to be realistic; having to be away from the girls- away from sweet Leah on her birthday.

I know it’s not healthy, but I keep going over that week in my mind. Trying to remember where we were at what time, what we talked about, what we did. Trying to hold on to any piece that I can remember.  My mind keeps going back to what I think is the night before Bill went into the hospital. In some ways I will cherish that night more than any other. We were staying in a hotel outside of Boston, and we had, I guess what you could call, our last date. There was a restaurant attached to the hotel, so I wheeled him down and we had dinner together. Of course, hanging over our heads was the tension and emotions of what we were heading into, but we were together. Just the two of us. Something that had become so very rare over the course of the last two years of his life. I wish I could go back to that moment and just hold on to it. Just to be near him. In his presence.

After dinner we went back to the room and it occurred to me that it was the first night he and I had been able to share the same bed for almost 18 months. It’s such a little thing when life is normal. To be able to sleep in the same bed with your husband. But for me, it was something that I had been waiting for since the end of the previous summer. After he was diagnosed the second time, Bill spent most of the nights on the sofa because he was so uncomfortable. And then once radiation started, we stayed in a room that had two single beds. Sure, I might have hopped in his bed a few times to try to massage a cramp or something he was having, but it wasn’t even remotely the same. Even when he came home for those few months in the summer and he slept on the sectional, I would often join him and sleep perpendicular to the way he was laying just so I could be close to him (and to be able to get up easily to get him anything he might need in the middle of the night since it was  much easier for me to do it than it was for him to transfer to his wheelchair and maneuver through the house to get it for himself), but again,  it wasn’t even close to the same.

After Bill and I got married, we developed one of my favorite habits as a couple. Almost every night we’d fall asleep holding hands. We held hands a lot, but falling asleep holding his hand was one of my favorite things about “us.” So this night -this last night that we got to fall asleep together, is one that I will treasure with thankfulness, but also heavy heartedness for the rest of my life. Because the next time I would be able to get into the same bed with my amazing, handsome, strong, beautiful husband, was also the last time. The nurse, knowing that Bill probably wouldn’t get better, snuck me into the bed and let me stay there almost all day. He probably didn’t know I was there because he was in a medically induced coma, but I got to be close to him and that’s all I wanted.

Over this next week, if you could pray for me.  The girls have no idea what this week is, and I’d like to keep it that way. What I want to do is to focus on our precious Leah who will be turning 7 on Thursday. I want her to feel all the love she can on her big day. Instead of focusing on December 10^th of last year, I want to try my best to focus on December 10^th of 2008. The day Bill and I nervously and anxiously awaited our second and last (or so we thought!) precious daughter into the world. I know my heart will continue to struggle inwardly about it all, but outwardly, I am really praying that I can keep myself together. The girls have seen me cry enough as it is. I don’t want Leah’s birthday overshadowed by all the emotions spinning around in my head. Bill would want her to have a fun-filled day, and that’s what I am going to try hard to give her. Thanks, friends.

Doting Daddy with his sweet Leah

Turning 40

I need to start off by saying thank you to the friends and family who reached out about the flood and carpet situation. I’m happy to report that it has all worked out, and we are no worse for the wear. I’m pretty sure I was near the end of my rope when I wrote that last entry, so thanks for encouraging me during a low point.

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving! The girls and I had a fantastic day filled with great family and food. Those of you on Facebook probably saw all of the festivities from last week. For those of you who don’t know…not only was it Thanksgiving, but it was also my 40^th birthday. Being a Thanksgiving baby has always posed some challenges when trying to plan a celebration. Growing up I hated it because we were never in school, so I didn’t get to see my friends.  (Summer birthday babies can probably relate.) And then into adulthood poor Bill had to deal with the challenge of what/when to do something. My 30^th birthday is a prime example. I was pregnant with Kaleigh (and maybe a tad moody). He tried to come up with some special to do for me, but for whatever reason (did I mention I was 8 months pregnant?) it didn’t go so well. The next year, being the sweet man that he was, he tried to plan a surprise get together, but I figured it out because he started to really clean the house. Like really CLEAN the house. He tried to be subtle about it, but anyone who knew Bill Plowden knew that if he was REALLY cleaning, there had to be a reason. J

Early in our marriage when were dreaming about the future, we decided that for our 40^th birthdays we would try to go to Hawaii without kids to celebrate. So when his birthday rolled around in April it was really hard. Not because we weren’t going to Hawaii, but because once again it was a reminder of our hopes and dreams that wouldn’t come true. Even though he wasn’t here, we still celebrated him.  I invited a bunch of his friends over, and his mom and I served his favorite meal. The family wrote notes to him on balloons and “sent them to Heaven” so Daddy would know we were celebrating his birthday.

Fast forward 6 months to my birthday. Leading up to it, several friends asked me what I wanted to do, and I never really answered them. It’s not like I was purposefully dodging the question; it’s just that celebrating my birthday without Bill seemed so empty. What was the point? My person wasn’t there to celebrate with me. I kept thinking about what Bill would want me to do, and I knew he wouldn’t want me to sit home and do nothing. He was always so emphatic that I needed to continue to live life. He would often get frustrated with me when I would tell him the family outings I’d take the girls on (apple picking, beach, etc…) were fun, but felt empty without him. I know that frustration was out of love. He wanted our lives to be full- even if he wasn’t with us.  We talked a lot about it over the two years he was sick. Of course, he understood how deeply we missed him, but it was also really important to him that the girls and I continue to celebrate and engage in life. With these thoughts in mind, and with some long tear-filled talks with a friend, I decided to celebrate my “big 4-0.” And I am so glad that I did.

First, one of my dear friends took the girls and I out to PF Chang’s for dinner on Friday night. We all got dressed up in pretty dresses to make the evening special. The girls had never been to such a “fancy” restaurant. Kaleigh had no idea what to do with the cloth napkin. It was really cute. They had picked out a sweet pea pod necklace as a gift that is absolutely perfect! J

Then the next night, several of my friends and family had put together a ladies’ happy hour at a nearby wine bar. We got all dressed up (the girls picked my dress out for me. They thought Daddy would like it because it had “Princess Leia sleeves.”) and had a great time.  I was surrounded lots of my favorite people, and it turned out to be a really special evening. There were moments that were really hard, but I was able to pull myself together and have fun. I think he would have been really proud of me. (And he would be SO thankful to everyone who made the night so amazing.) (Also, special thanks to our friend Dave who kept his three kids and our three kids for a sleepover so I could have the whole night to myself and so that his beautiful wife could come to the party. Not many men would do that (including one Bill Plowden), so thank you thank you thank you.)

The girls and I traveled to Richmond to see my family for Thanksgiving. It was a GREAT day. Because my birthday always falls around Thanksgiving, at the family dinner we usually have a birthday cake for me. I had told my mom that since this year was my 40^th, I wanted her to recreate my favorite Candyland cake from when I was a kid. (My mom made the most amazing cakes for us growing up. It was one of my favorite things about birthdays. I think that’s why I like making cakes for my girls so much.) During dinner I knew I wasn’t allowed in the basement, but I thought it was just so I wouldn’t see the cake until it was time. Boy was I wrong!

Towards the end of the day my aunt told me the kids were doing a parade for my birthday and that I had to follow them. They were all decked out in matching candy printed dresses. Aunt Cathy had made Candyland-type game pieces and had put them all down her driveway. I followed the parade on the game pieces into her basement where she had created this entire “Dana’s Candyland” themed room complete with almost every type of candy you could imagine. It was amazing. (And of course I cried.)I know it sounds so silly. But it meant so much to me that my family put such efforts into my birthday.  The kids had a blast and were hopped up on crazy amounts of sugar- and that was ok with me. Because at the end of the day, they got to see what family does for each other.  They do for one another. The littles probably just saw a cool birthday party, but I know Kaleigh saw more than that. She saw her mom who has been hurting so much be loved and cared for by her family in a really special way. And that is a lesson that can only be learned by example. So, family, thank you for showing my girls what it means to be there for one another. To think of others. To put time and effort into making someone else’s day special. Thank you.

And just when you think the festivities were over… there was one more! A dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse. This seems to have become a tradition while everyone is still in down during Thanksgiving. Bill and I have never been able to go because of sick babies or maybe because the idea of taking three kids out in public was too painful think about. Either way, I had told Aunt Cathy that I’d love to have the family go this year again, so the girls and I could join. Aside from Zoey being super whiney, it was a fun night. Kaleigh LOVED it. Leah was afraid of the fire and the knives, but she clapped when the chef was doing his tricks, so I think she had fun too. All in all it was a great night.

I really wanted to say a sincere thank you to everyone who helped to make my birthday special. From the texts, FB messages, cards, gifts, etc… you helped turn a hard day into something I will look back on with great memories. Thank you.