Christmas

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Thank you so much for all of your prayers over the last few weeks. It’s been such a bittersweet time, but your words of encouragement and love have really made all the difference.

Leah had a sweet little family birthday with some of our closest friends and their daughters. We’ve entered the “girls only” territory, it would seem. Thankfully, many our family friends are filled with girls just like us.  Leah wanted a Frozen themed party, so I hung snowflakes and made an Elsa cake. Nothing too elaborate, but she felt loved and special, which is all I wanted for her.

We traveled down to South Carolina to spend Christmas with Bill’s family just like we always used to do. It’s so funny when I think about Christmas pasts because I had this almost obsessive need to make sure we had family traditions. Bill was very patient with me, but for whatever reason (probably because I remember the traditions my own family had- especially Christmas Eve- with such nostalgia) I would constantly try to find “better” things for us to do each year. Looking back on it, I feel a mix of frustration and sympathy for myself as this mother who wanted to do everything she could to make Christmas magical for her kids… never realizing that the real magic for the girls (and for me) would be in just being able to celebrate it with their dad. 

Everyone talks about “the firsts” after someone dies being the hardest. For us, this notion becomes a little fuzzy because in reality this was the third Christmas that we had to celebrate without Bill. Sure, he was in Boston, so we had access to him, but he wasn’t here to watch the girls open presents, etc… So I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from this real “first Christmas without him.” How would the girls do? How would I do? His family? I think as the time came closer to us going to SC, I became more nervous about my emotional state being down there without him than anything.

We drove to Richmond on Monday and the girls were able to spend some time with my parents and we even had an impromptu playdate with one of my best friends and her family. We got up early and drove the rest of the way. The last couple of times we have gone to his parents’ house, it takes me a minute to compose myself once we get there. So many memories are there of us. The first time Bill brought me “home” for Christmas with his family. The girls as babies in the crib they used to have. Me being SO sick while I was pregnant with Zoey in one of their bathrooms.  Bill is everywhere. And since I don’t go to his parents’ house that often, the memories always flood over me for the first few minutes that I’m there (I guess this is more of the “Embracing” I wrote about before.)

The girls were so excited to be with Bill’s parents. We continued our tradition of going to see the Zoo Lights which was lots of fun (even though the threat of rain loomed over us the whole time!) We got to have lunch with a lot of family from Bill’s mom’s side which was so great. We ALL made Christmas cookies on Christmas Eve morning because one of Kaleigh’s Christmas Wish List items is that we could do something all together that day. Granddaddy gave us a hard time (now I know where his son got it from), but I think he secretly enjoyed it. At one point when he was teasing about doing 

the cookies, Kaleigh said, “Granddaddy, what do you think Santa would say about your Christmas spirit right now?!”

Making Christmas Cookies

Zoo Lights

We went to Christmas Eve service at Bill’s parents’ church (something we hadn’t done before because the girls were so little), but something I’ve always wanted to do. We even got to see Granddaddy singing in the choir. I have to admit that watching his dad sing really got to me. This is a man who has been through so much- SO much- over the last 20 years. And he is still able to stand in front of people and sing praises to God. When Bill’s sister was sick for all those years I used to tell people that his mom was my “faith role model.” That one day I wanted to be able to have the kind of seemingly unshakeable faith that she had. Watching Granddaddy up there singing on Christmas Eve after everything that has happened- I don’t know- it was a really profound moment for me.

On Christmas Day we went to New Zion to Bill’s grandfather’s house. It was great to be with Bill’s dad’s side of the family. The girls played with cousins and with the warm temperatures they even got to play outside.  I’m so glad they were able to see Great-Granddaddy too. He is 97 years old, and it’s such a gift for them to be able to know him.

Bill's cousin made us some awesome shirts!

Kaleigh gave Great G-Daddy a Santa hat! 

Before we left for the day Bill’s parents went out to the cemetery. I knew they would probably be going, and it’s something I had thought about for weeks. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I just couldn’t do it. Call it denial. Call it weakness. I’m just not ready. Maybe there’s a part of me that is pretending he’s still in Boston- or even on a business trip. I don’t know. I just can’t. I beat myself up because I feel like a good wife would be able to go. Shouldn’t I want to be there? I just can’t. Not yet.

 

The day after Christmas some more family came over and the girls got to play with them. We are really so blessed to have so many family members on both sides who care so deeply for us. I grew up really close to my family, and although there is a greater distance between us and Bill’s side of the family, my prayer is that we can see them enough throughout each year that the girls will have the same deep bonds that I had with my family growing up.

We rounded out the week with another family activity. Kaleigh got Apples to Apples for Christmas and she wanted everyone to play, so each adult teamed up and we got to play together. It was a really great time, and I think it’s one of those memories that will stick with the girls. Leah is still talking about how Granddaddy tried to convince her that pimples are more famous that Mexico, and that she picked mama’s card instead of Granddaddy’s. (Take that! Granddaddy!) J

On Sunday the girls and I attempted to drive back to NOVA. I say “attempted” because as we were driving on 295 just outside of Richmond, the van decided it didn’t want to “go” any more. I am so thankful that I was able to quickly pull over because it could have been really bad. I’m not going to lie. I was pretty upset. At first.  I mean, here I am in a van packed to the gills with stuff, not to mention three precious kids, and I break down? Alone?! Seriously?! (Remember this is piggy backing off of a flooded basement and several other recent frustrations). But my irritation quickly turned to thankfulness that we were ok, and that I didn’t break down in the middle of nowhere. I broke down 30 minutes from where I grew up.

I called my uncle and he and my aunt came and picked us up. They even have a van, so we were able to get a lot of our stuff to take with us. We ended up spending an extra two nights in Richmond so the van could be fixed (it was minor, thankfully). Uncle Hector told me of all the places we broke down, I ended up in the best possible spot. So, once again, I was counting our blessings.

Aunt Cathy keeping the littles occupied while we transferred stuff into their van.

We are safely home now and gearing up for New Years. I’m so thankful for the last few weeks having gone as well as they have, and I am praying that tonight the girls and I can focus on what we do have instead of what we are missing. Happy New Year, Friends! 

Prayers for This Week

Two entries in a week. You’d think I have all kind of free time on my hands- which is definitely not the case. I am writing to ask for prayers- lots of them. This week is proving harder than I anticipated. You see, it was a year ago this week that Bill had his last surgery. For a million different reasons this week last year was difficult: the fear and the uncertainty swirling around us for the second year in row; trying to remain hopeful, but also trying to be realistic; having to be away from the girls- away from sweet Leah on her birthday.

I know it’s not healthy, but I keep going over that week in my mind. Trying to remember where we were at what time, what we talked about, what we did. Trying to hold on to any piece that I can remember.  My mind keeps going back to what I think is the night before Bill went into the hospital. In some ways I will cherish that night more than any other. We were staying in a hotel outside of Boston, and we had, I guess what you could call, our last date. There was a restaurant attached to the hotel, so I wheeled him down and we had dinner together. Of course, hanging over our heads was the tension and emotions of what we were heading into, but we were together. Just the two of us. Something that had become so very rare over the course of the last two years of his life. I wish I could go back to that moment and just hold on to it. Just to be near him. In his presence.

After dinner we went back to the room and it occurred to me that it was the first night he and I had been able to share the same bed for almost 18 months. It’s such a little thing when life is normal. To be able to sleep in the same bed with your husband. But for me, it was something that I had been waiting for since the end of the previous summer. After he was diagnosed the second time, Bill spent most of the nights on the sofa because he was so uncomfortable. And then once radiation started, we stayed in a room that had two single beds. Sure, I might have hopped in his bed a few times to try to massage a cramp or something he was having, but it wasn’t even remotely the same. Even when he came home for those few months in the summer and he slept on the sectional, I would often join him and sleep perpendicular to the way he was laying just so I could be close to him (and to be able to get up easily to get him anything he might need in the middle of the night since it was  much easier for me to do it than it was for him to transfer to his wheelchair and maneuver through the house to get it for himself), but again,  it wasn’t even close to the same.

After Bill and I got married, we developed one of my favorite habits as a couple. Almost every night we’d fall asleep holding hands. We held hands a lot, but falling asleep holding his hand was one of my favorite things about “us.” So this night -this last night that we got to fall asleep together, is one that I will treasure with thankfulness, but also heavy heartedness for the rest of my life. Because the next time I would be able to get into the same bed with my amazing, handsome, strong, beautiful husband, was also the last time. The nurse, knowing that Bill probably wouldn’t get better, snuck me into the bed and let me stay there almost all day. He probably didn’t know I was there because he was in a medically induced coma, but I got to be close to him and that’s all I wanted.

Over this next week, if you could pray for me.  The girls have no idea what this week is, and I’d like to keep it that way. What I want to do is to focus on our precious Leah who will be turning 7 on Thursday. I want her to feel all the love she can on her big day. Instead of focusing on December 10^th of last year, I want to try my best to focus on December 10^th of 2008. The day Bill and I nervously and anxiously awaited our second and last (or so we thought!) precious daughter into the world. I know my heart will continue to struggle inwardly about it all, but outwardly, I am really praying that I can keep myself together. The girls have seen me cry enough as it is. I don’t want Leah’s birthday overshadowed by all the emotions spinning around in my head. Bill would want her to have a fun-filled day, and that’s what I am going to try hard to give her. Thanks, friends.

Doting Daddy with his sweet Leah

Turning 40

I need to start off by saying thank you to the friends and family who reached out about the flood and carpet situation. I’m happy to report that it has all worked out, and we are no worse for the wear. I’m pretty sure I was near the end of my rope when I wrote that last entry, so thanks for encouraging me during a low point.

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving! The girls and I had a fantastic day filled with great family and food. Those of you on Facebook probably saw all of the festivities from last week. For those of you who don’t know…not only was it Thanksgiving, but it was also my 40^th birthday. Being a Thanksgiving baby has always posed some challenges when trying to plan a celebration. Growing up I hated it because we were never in school, so I didn’t get to see my friends.  (Summer birthday babies can probably relate.) And then into adulthood poor Bill had to deal with the challenge of what/when to do something. My 30^th birthday is a prime example. I was pregnant with Kaleigh (and maybe a tad moody). He tried to come up with some special to do for me, but for whatever reason (did I mention I was 8 months pregnant?) it didn’t go so well. The next year, being the sweet man that he was, he tried to plan a surprise get together, but I figured it out because he started to really clean the house. Like really CLEAN the house. He tried to be subtle about it, but anyone who knew Bill Plowden knew that if he was REALLY cleaning, there had to be a reason. J

Early in our marriage when were dreaming about the future, we decided that for our 40^th birthdays we would try to go to Hawaii without kids to celebrate. So when his birthday rolled around in April it was really hard. Not because we weren’t going to Hawaii, but because once again it was a reminder of our hopes and dreams that wouldn’t come true. Even though he wasn’t here, we still celebrated him.  I invited a bunch of his friends over, and his mom and I served his favorite meal. The family wrote notes to him on balloons and “sent them to Heaven” so Daddy would know we were celebrating his birthday.

Fast forward 6 months to my birthday. Leading up to it, several friends asked me what I wanted to do, and I never really answered them. It’s not like I was purposefully dodging the question; it’s just that celebrating my birthday without Bill seemed so empty. What was the point? My person wasn’t there to celebrate with me. I kept thinking about what Bill would want me to do, and I knew he wouldn’t want me to sit home and do nothing. He was always so emphatic that I needed to continue to live life. He would often get frustrated with me when I would tell him the family outings I’d take the girls on (apple picking, beach, etc…) were fun, but felt empty without him. I know that frustration was out of love. He wanted our lives to be full- even if he wasn’t with us.  We talked a lot about it over the two years he was sick. Of course, he understood how deeply we missed him, but it was also really important to him that the girls and I continue to celebrate and engage in life. With these thoughts in mind, and with some long tear-filled talks with a friend, I decided to celebrate my “big 4-0.” And I am so glad that I did.

First, one of my dear friends took the girls and I out to PF Chang’s for dinner on Friday night. We all got dressed up in pretty dresses to make the evening special. The girls had never been to such a “fancy” restaurant. Kaleigh had no idea what to do with the cloth napkin. It was really cute. They had picked out a sweet pea pod necklace as a gift that is absolutely perfect! J

Then the next night, several of my friends and family had put together a ladies’ happy hour at a nearby wine bar. We got all dressed up (the girls picked my dress out for me. They thought Daddy would like it because it had “Princess Leia sleeves.”) and had a great time.  I was surrounded lots of my favorite people, and it turned out to be a really special evening. There were moments that were really hard, but I was able to pull myself together and have fun. I think he would have been really proud of me. (And he would be SO thankful to everyone who made the night so amazing.) (Also, special thanks to our friend Dave who kept his three kids and our three kids for a sleepover so I could have the whole night to myself and so that his beautiful wife could come to the party. Not many men would do that (including one Bill Plowden), so thank you thank you thank you.)

The girls and I traveled to Richmond to see my family for Thanksgiving. It was a GREAT day. Because my birthday always falls around Thanksgiving, at the family dinner we usually have a birthday cake for me. I had told my mom that since this year was my 40^th, I wanted her to recreate my favorite Candyland cake from when I was a kid. (My mom made the most amazing cakes for us growing up. It was one of my favorite things about birthdays. I think that’s why I like making cakes for my girls so much.) During dinner I knew I wasn’t allowed in the basement, but I thought it was just so I wouldn’t see the cake until it was time. Boy was I wrong!

Towards the end of the day my aunt told me the kids were doing a parade for my birthday and that I had to follow them. They were all decked out in matching candy printed dresses. Aunt Cathy had made Candyland-type game pieces and had put them all down her driveway. I followed the parade on the game pieces into her basement where she had created this entire “Dana’s Candyland” themed room complete with almost every type of candy you could imagine. It was amazing. (And of course I cried.)I know it sounds so silly. But it meant so much to me that my family put such efforts into my birthday.  The kids had a blast and were hopped up on crazy amounts of sugar- and that was ok with me. Because at the end of the day, they got to see what family does for each other.  They do for one another. The littles probably just saw a cool birthday party, but I know Kaleigh saw more than that. She saw her mom who has been hurting so much be loved and cared for by her family in a really special way. And that is a lesson that can only be learned by example. So, family, thank you for showing my girls what it means to be there for one another. To think of others. To put time and effort into making someone else’s day special. Thank you.

And just when you think the festivities were over… there was one more! A dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse. This seems to have become a tradition while everyone is still in down during Thanksgiving. Bill and I have never been able to go because of sick babies or maybe because the idea of taking three kids out in public was too painful think about. Either way, I had told Aunt Cathy that I’d love to have the family go this year again, so the girls and I could join. Aside from Zoey being super whiney, it was a fun night. Kaleigh LOVED it. Leah was afraid of the fire and the knives, but she clapped when the chef was doing his tricks, so I think she had fun too. All in all it was a great night.

I really wanted to say a sincere thank you to everyone who helped to make my birthday special. From the texts, FB messages, cards, gifts, etc… you helped turn a hard day into something I will look back on with great memories. Thank you.  

Learning New Things

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything. We’ve had a really busy few weeks. School fun, playdates, Halloween, etc… It’s really hard to believe that Thanksgiving and Christmas (gasp!) are right around the corner. Leah and Zoey have already studied and circled EVERYTHING in the various catalogs we’ve gotten. They have also argued over who gets what (because apparently, the rule is, if you circle it first in the catalog then it belongs to you!)  

Life keeps moving along, I guess. It’s so hard to imagine that this month will mark 9 months without Bill here. Sometimes when I think about it, I can barely breathe. 9 months without him. 9 months… and a lifetime more to go. I think it’s really that last part that catches me. The lifetime left here without him.

Almost weekly I discover a new thing that I don’t know how to do. Sometimes it’s the cars, sometimes it’s the technology, sometimes it’s other stuff. This week it’s definitely been the house. I was proud of myself last week because I had remembered to renew our service contract for our heating/cooling system. I was even MORE proud of myself because I had also dutifully scheduled a time for the technician to come and check everything out. He came, made some recommendations, and left. And I had a moment where I thought… “I’ve got this. I can do this.” Until the next day when all of our hot water was gone, and I realized that the somehow the pilot light had gone out on the water heater. I’m not going to lie, the pilot light freaks me out. I could just see myself being one of those people that blows the house up trying to re-light it. I was able to call my neighbor, Dave,  and he came over to try to see what he could do, but not before I completely broke down on his wonderful wife, Kellee.

As silly as it might sound, it’s in these moments that I feel the most alone. That I feel the weight of being the only parent. It’s also in these moments that the mix of emotions comes rushing over me. Anger and sadness that Bill’s not here. Overwhelmed because I don’t know what to do. Frustration with myself for not just sucking it up and dealing with it. Embarrassment because I have to impose my problems on someone else’s family. (To be clear, NO ONE has ever made me/us feel like a burden, but it’s something I struggle with every time I need to ask for help.)

So Dave came over and tried to help me out, but unfortunately he didn’t have any luck with the re-lighting the water heater. So I put a call in to the service company and the technician came out the next morning. It took him no time to fix the pilot light, so he decided to do a quick check of the water heater just to make sure all was well. Once again, he left with a few minor recommendations but nothing really to worry about.

Or so I thought.

Fast forward to Wednesday when Kaleigh called up to me from the basement because she thought the dog had gone to the bathroom near the stairs (an unfortunate, but regular occurrence in this house). I went down to clean it up and realized that the puddle at the foot of the stairs was not from the dog. It was from water spraying out of the water heater. The long and short of the story is that once again I had to call Dave (and cry on Kellee), who immediately came over to help me shut off the valve. (It was stuck so I couldn’t do it by myself.)  I got in touch with the emergency plumber, and Kellee came over and stayed til midnight so I wouldn’t be here with him in the house alone.

So as I type this, the basement is completely filled with boxes and bins that I had to move out of the areas that were covered with water. There are industrial sized fans blowing under the carpet and in the storage area hopefully drying everything out so that I don’t have to worry about mold. Never a dull moment, huh?

For those of you who have continued to pray for us, please pray that over time, I will get used to this single parent role. If Bill were here he’d tell you being alone was my worst fear. And while, I’m not actually alone- we continue to have an army of amazing friends, and family who support us- I am alone in that I don’t have my partner. My best friend. And I am trying my best to do everything and learn all the things I don’t know.  But it’s taking time. And it takes energy. Both of which I’m pretty low on these days.

I’d also love it if you’d pray for the condition of the basement. Since the flood there’s been a smell that isn’t resolving. I’ve had the drywall checked out and it’s fine, but the carpet and the padding concern me. The company has said they will make their mistake right, but I am just not sure I have it in me if I have to fight for new carpet.

On a positive note, the plumber who came out that night was awesome. He even prayed for me and the girls before he left. It was quite something.

And lest this entry be too much of “Dana Downer,” I leave you with pics of our fun-filled Halloween. The girls and I had a great night filled with fun, friends, and CANDY. Special thanks to Meredith and Joe and the boys for coming up from Richmond to make the day extra special. 

Kaleigh with Joe the Storm Trooper.

The kids (and Joe) :)

Leia, Dana, and the photo bombing Storm Trooper

Dorothy, Black Cat, and Girl Minion

The Letters

Thank you so much for all of your prayers over the last few weeks. I was overwhelmed with all of the messages you sent letting me know that you were praying and that we were not alone in our experiences. I have to be honest; I was not expecting to hear so many similar stories to what sweet girl and I are struggling with. And while I would NEVER want anyone to go through what we are going through, there was a measure of comfort in knowing that we aren’t alone. And that it can/will get better. So for those of you who shared those stories- thank you. I KNOW it’s not easy.

Speaking of sharing stories. Most of you know that when Bill died I asked that people write letters to the girls so that they would have stories of him to read as they grow up. On Father’s Day I decided to randomly pick a few to read to the girls. It just felt right to read some together for the first time on Father’s Day. Like a way that we could still make the day be about Bill each year even though he’s not physically here. Obviously, Zoey and Leah are still wiggle worms so they listened to the first letter, but by the middle of the second one, they had kind of lost interest. Kaleigh, on the other hand, was intent on reading each of them. Once we finished, we went about the rest of our day (a movie- also to honor Bill since he LOVED movies) and no one really said anything about what we had read. Part of me figured that they are so young it would just take more time and maturity for them to appreciate what a gift these stories are.  And I was ok with that.  

Well, a week  or two ago, Kaleigh and I were talking, and something she said made me realize just what an impact one of the letters we had read had already made on her. Let me pause, and explain that, with fourth grade has come this social awareness of “cool kids.” I knew inevitably that this was a bridge that we’d someday have to cross, but I guess I was still surprised by it happening now. I mean, wasn’t she just born? Anyway, this new perception of “social structure” ushers in a whole set of conversations that, quite frankly, I am not ready or eager to have. Even if Bill were here, these conversations would still be hard, but now to be the single parental voice for our kids is very daunting to think about.

So, back to the conversation. Kaleigh was working on her homework and she just matter-of-factly looked up and said, "Mama. I want to be just like Daddy. You know. I want people to think I'm cool because I do the right thing. Not because I break the rules." I knew immediately that she had been thinking about one of the letters we had read for Father’s Day, but I was so surprised that something we had read four months before was still on her mind.  

This particular letter was from one of Bill’s high school friends. In it, she tells the girls about what Bill was like as a teenager. She talks about how sometimes in school kids think that ‘popular’ means you have to break the rules so that everyone knows who you are. She explains that the real meaning of popular is something altogether different. That it means “regarded with favor, approval, or affection by people in general.” Then she tells the girls that Bill fit this definition- the real definition- of popular. She says, “He was nice to others without being a pushover, he was intelligent without making people feel inferior, and he was fun to be around without breaking rules or laws.” The letter was over two typed pages long, and was filled with lots of great memories about Bill, but it was the part about being “popular” that really resonated with Kaleigh. Now, I am not naïve enough to think that with one decision as a 9 year old, all of my work is done. I know that the whole popularity thing will continue to pop up as she enters her tween/teen years, but with her acknowledgement of wanting to be just like Bill, for a moment, as weird as it might sound, I didn’t feel like a single parent. I didn’t feel alone.  I felt like Bill was right there parenting with me-leaving his mark on Kaleigh as she was beginning to think about her future self.  

So for those of you who have written letters. THANK YOU. I have 20 years’ worth of Bill stories that I can share with the girls from my perspective, but for the first 19, I can only retell the stories I’ve heard. And for the years I was around, the letters give a different perspective than mine of their dad. These letters are a priceless gift to all of us. They help the girls (and me) learn new things about Bill with each one that we read. They are providing a legacy that keeps him alive in the girls’ lives. They will continue to learn from him. To grow from his example. And we have YOU to thank for that. Thank you for taking the time to bless our girls with this gift. Thank you for loving them enough to share your experiences with Bill. Thank you. 

Praying for Our Sweet Girl

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve written several times, but have kept them close because I’m not sure if I’m ready to put some of what I’ve been struggling with “out there” just yet. But a lot of people have been checking in to see how we are, so I wanted to let you know we are ok. The last couple of weeks have been pretty rough, but we are making it. I hesitate to write this in a public forum, but I know many of you want specifics on how you can pray, so here goes. Although the start of school has been phenomenal, things at home the first couple of weeks took a major nosedive. One of our sweet girls is struggling in so many ways. I am doing my best to help her, but I’ve had to seek out some help from a counselor. (For those of you who don’t know, I had the girls meet with someone not long after Bill died because although I was working closely with a child psychologist in Boston, I really felt like we needed someone local to actually see the girls. Unfortunately, the first person was not a good fit AT ALL, and because of the negative associations they had with seeing a counselor, I thought I’d give them the summer and we’d reevaluate as necessary.) Needless to say… it has become very necessary.

It’s one thing to struggle with trying to work through losing your dad with a child who is capable of verbalizing her feelings. It’s another thing entirely to try to help a child who uses physical aggression (only at home- never with friends) to get her feelings out.  From top to bottom the last two years have been excruciating, and to watch my baby struggle so much and not be able to use her words is awful. And on top of THAT having to endure hitting, kicking, screaming, etc…  on a daily basis makes for a complete nightmare. Not a day has gone by that I don’t feel like I have failed this precious girl. I know I couldn’t stop her from losing her Daddy, but I’m still dealing with my own grief and I have been at such a loss as to how to help her. It’s physically and mentally exhausting. 

The new (wonderful) counselor that I have been meeting with has been giving me strategies to use to try to help with the physical aggression. She told me to magnify my feelings about everything that’s happened by a zillion, and then I’d still only have half of what sweet girls is probably feeling. (She said this as I sat sobbing in her office asking her to help me.  She said, “You are an adult- someone who has had practice working through feelings and you are still struggling in so many ways- think about your child and how young she is and how she hasn’t had the same practice working through all the feelings.”) Her take on it is that on some level, sweet girl is afraid I am going to leave her too and she’s trying to make me prove to her that I will stay no matter what. She said that although in her head she knows Daddy tried everything he could to stay with us, her heart she still feels like he left her, and she may be afraid I am going to “abandon her too.” You can imagine how heart wrenching that was to process… first,  that she may feel like Bill abandoned her… because there is no father who fought harder than Bill to be there for his girls… and then on top of that that she was scared I was going to leave too. It’s not that I hadn’t thought about that before. Each one of the girls has shown anxiety about me leaving or being gone too long in some way. But to hear a professional say it, I don’t know. It just made it even more sad.

 After my first session, I came home and asked sweet girl if she was worried I was going to leave her. She said yes. And then when I asked her where she thought I was going to go, she just pointed up. She then followed up by saying, “But you are working out and eating right so you will stay healthy. Because you want to be my mom for a long, long time.  Right?” It was heartbreaking. This precious girl with all of her bottled up feelings and fears is scared that “she won’t have any parents anymore.” And as much as I wanted to reassure her that I would be here for a long time, she and I both know that no one can make those promises. It’s just one more kick in the gut. The illusion of security is gone for her at such a young age.  And it’s completely understandable why this reality and these thoughts are contributing to her extreme behaviors.  She doesn’t know what to do with the feelings.  (Now, I want to pause, and say that this particular child has always been much more challenging. She has never been a verbal “reasoner.” Her “go to” response has always been physical, so I am not saying that Bill’s illness and death are the sole reason for it. But I do think the trauma has caused those “big feelings” inside of her to be magnified.)

So for those of you praying, please, please pray for my precious baby. And for me. The strategies we are trying to implement are showing some slow progress, but they are exhausting.  And because I’m also working a lot more now and trying to take care of more “businessy” things that have come up with finances and accounts, I am at the end of my rope a lot more lately. Which means my patience wears thin more quickly- which means I feel like a terrible mom a lot of the time- because this is not who I was before. I’m not going to say I didn’t ever lose it on my kids, but I feel like my fuse was much longer. If you could also pray for the other two girls. My focusing so much on their sister has started to become a bit of a sore spot in some ways. I just want to do my best to help each one of them navigate through this… and it seems so impossible some days.

I will say that this week has been much better because my wonderful MIL came up to rescue me. I think she could sense through my text messages at the end of last week that things were quickly unraveling, so she came to give me some backup. And I am SO grateful. I’ve been able to make phone calls, go to doctor’s appointments, a teacher conference, and get lots of other stuff done that has been hanging over my head for a while. I’m hoping that I can get enough off of my plate while she’s here to feel like I can move forward with less stress. Thanks for your prayers and love. They continue to mean everything. 

Bill's 9/11 Experience in the Pentagon- In His Words

I know I post this every year, but it reminds me how blessed we were to have Bill for the time we had him- and for our three beautiful babies that wouldn't be here if things had been different for us that day. And as every year, along with so many other, I grieve and honor the lives of those who were lost.

http://lazybeeley.blogspot.com/search?q=flight+93

The Bigs Go Back to School

What a great first week! The girls LOVE their teachers and this mama couldn’t be happier to see their smiling faces when I pick them up every day. I had a different set of concerns for each one since they are such different kids. Kaleigh was so closely bonded to her amazing teacher last year, that I was a little worried she wouldn’t take to her new one very quickly. Well, true to form, Little River, being the exceptional school it is, had already taken great lengths to fill in Kaleigh’s new teacher about things that could help her transition to this new year.  The counselor even set up a lunch for her, Kaleigh, and the teacher to talk through some things that might be helpful to my sweet girl throughout the day if she finds herself struggling.

I think I was more concerned about Leah’s week. You see, this is her first year of all day school because kindergarten is half-day, but thankfully, I feel like we hit the teacher jackpot. Leah’s teacher couldn’t be more enthusiastic, loving, and compassionate. I am quite certain that a lot of thought was put into Leah’s placement by the staff at LRE, and I will forever be grateful. When Bill got sick last year before school started, Leah decided she was shy. This was a new thing for her and often resulted in her not even talking to already established friends in the neighborhood. It was an ongoing concern for me last year because I couldn’t tell what she was thinking or what she needed. I talked to her wonderful teachers about it and they made me feel a lot better about it based on how she was interacting with kids in their classroom, but I still didn’t know what to expect this year.

She still says she is shy, but this week she also come home and talked about other kids in her class. This is a big step for her. Even just one sentence about her day makes me feel better. She says she loves PE and loves Art and Music. It makes my heart so full to feel like she is already making progress from last year. I know there are a lot of contributing factors… age, maturity, regular routine, life without the constant uncertainty of what’s going on with Dad, of not having to wonder when mom will have to go back to Boston. I know this is just the first week, but I’m really hopeful that this progress will continue. I know that she is well taken care of at LRE. They both are. And it makes the days so much easier-not easy-but easier.

If you could continue to pray for the school year, I’d appreciate it.  For me as I try to navigate activities, schedules, quality time, and work time along with all the emotions, etc… Today was a pretty crummy day, but I’ll write more about that another time. For right now, I want to focus on being thankful that Bill made it possible for us to stay in this amazing neighborhood where my kids can flourish and grow surrounded by families who love them. And where they get to go to school with unbelievably amazing teachers, counselors, and administrators who care for them where they are and who encourage them in their journey of healing. 

Embracing

Not long after Bill died, I met with a pastor in our church who had also lost his wife to cancer.  One of the things he asked me was if I had taken the time to really embrace the grief. He explained that when his wife passed, he took time to go to places that had been important to them. He had allowed himself to remember the good times, but he also allowed himself to really feel the pain of the loss. At the time, I understood how that kind of exercise could help get some closure/ healing, but I also didn’t think that as a now “single” (I hate that word) mother of three small children, it would be feasible for me to do with any intentionality.  How was I supposed to care for these precious girls, juggle all the estate stuff, and try to embrace grief? To be honest, at the time, the idea kind of made me mad. It seemed like a luxury I couldn’t afford. But as time has passed, and as I’ve slowly been able to get some of the “businessy” things off my plate, I have found a little bit of time to begin the process of embracing the heartache.

A few weeks ago, one of my best friends (a sister, really) celebrated her birthday in Richmond. I drove down and we went spent time with her amazing husband and boys, had lots of girl time, and even went to a concert. She had asked me if I wanted to go to church with them on Sunday, and (of course) said, “yes.” It didn’t dawn on me until later that I hadn’t set foot in the church since the day Bill and I had been married. You see,  I didn’t grow up in a church. I went on and off with various friends and family when I was a kid, but this church, Bon Air Baptist, was the first church that I really called “home.” So even though I had already moved to NOVA by the time we were planning our wedding, I really wanted to be married at Bon Air. So once we were married, I never really had the occasion to go back.

I could feel myself letting the memories of our wedding day flood over me as I walked into the building. Sitting in the limo with my bridesmaids waiting to go in. Getting ready. Hearing the music and walking towards my smiling groom (watching to see if the “wedding butt pinch” was happening between the groomsmen- a time honored tradition with all of Bill’s closest friends). I felt myself getting upset, but was thankfully distracted by one of the kids.  We walked into the building which looks much different than it did the day we got married (again, I was thankful). The service we went to was actually in a different part of the church that day, but my friend made sure that we had time should I want to go into the sanctuary. I had composed myself (or so I thought) and told her that, yes, I did want to go in. Almost as soon as we walked in there was someone there who wanted to meet me (Bon Air supported us in more ways than I could count the past two years). We went over and I was introduced, but I couldn’t stop turning away to look at the front of the church where Bill and I had exchanged our vows. Trying to remember all of that part of the day. All the hopes and dreams we had. All the love and excitement. My friend’s husband caught my eye, and then everything inside me burst. I basically had to run out because I couldn’t hold back the sobs. I’m sure I looked like quite a spectacle, but I’m ok with that. I think that’s what my pastor meant by embracing the grief. It was horrible and awful, but also sweet and wonderful to be in the place where Bill and I joined our lives together.

Since that day I’ve had two other opportunities, not nearly as emotional, to go back and visit special places to us. We were at the beach this week, and I realized that we were right near where Bill and I used to go with my aunt and uncle every year. As the girls and I were driving home I took them by the house and was able to share some of the fun memories that Bill and I had there.

And then there was today. Today we went sunflower picking with some friends. I wasn’t sure I would be able to do it, but the girls seems excited about it, so we went. For those of you who followed Bill’s journey, you know that we went sunflower picking as a family last year. It was the first and last family outing he was able to do. It wasn’t an easy day, simply because he and I were still trying to figure out how to maneuver him around in his wheelchair, but once we did, the day was great. We were so excited to have Bill with us. Finally. Finally. He was home. He was cancer-free (we thought). We were figuring out the wheelchair, and we were doing something TOGETHER as a complete family.

So today, like I said, I wasn’t sure I could do it. But I’m glad I did. We went with some good friends, and the girls had a great time. The field was in a different spot this year, so that helped me a little bit. I will say when we got in the car, I was really surprised that Leah talked about how hard it was for her to see other little girls there with their daddies. She said she had fun with Daddy last year and that she missed him so much. And that she when she dies (a LONG time from now, she added) she can’t wait to see him.

Those of you who know Leah know that she doesn’t often talk about Bill, so this was definitely a big step. And there’s a part of me that wonders if this wasn’t maybe her trying to embrace the grief in her own 6 year old way.

ZoZo said she picked this flower especially for Daddy

Tomorrow starts a new chapter for us. The first day of school without Bill. I’d appreciate your prayers for the girls and for me as we continue to work through all of this. As we continue to miss and love Bill, but as we continue to try to find our new life together as a family of four. Thanks, friends. 

Little Things

After my last post, I got a message from my friend who I work with that said that I wasn’t completely honest with what I had written. She said I should have included the fact that several of the units I’ve worked on have won national awards. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of attention or feeling like I’m bragging. Sometimes when I talk to this particular friend she reminds me so much of Bill because it always bothered him that he felt like I wasn’t “giving myself enough credit.” Maybe it’s true, but as I mentioned in my last post, I work with some of the most amazing people in the world. I am so excited about the award, but I am more thankful to have the opportunity to be a part of such a great team.

So, if I don’t like attention, then why am I mentioning it at all? Because I just found out one of our units won another national award. And if I’m being really honest about it, of course I am excited and I feel proud of all the work we did- especially given the other things that were going on in my family. But on Tuesday, as I read the email notifying and congratulating the team, my excitement very quickly turned into out of control sobbing. I left the room before the kids could notice because I didn’t want to scare them. It was so weird to go from such an excited feeling to this depth of sorrow. We had won this amazing award and I couldn’t tell Bill. Something really big had happened for me and I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t thank him for listening to me complain about writer’s block. I couldn’t thank him for listening to me bounce ideas and wording off of him. I couldn’t thank him for all the support he had given me as we had worked on this big project. And I couldn’t see him roll his eyes at me and then give me that big grin of his to show me how proud he was of all of my work. I told this kids and they were excited for half a minute. And I texted Bill’s mom because she would know how I was feeling- missing him so much, but being excited for me too.

I think I’ve come to realize it’s these random unexpected moments are the ones that really put me on this tidal wave of emotions. Packing for the beach and realizing I’ve packed one too many chairs. Having a doctor ask me if we are planning to go for baby #4 so we can have a boy.  A guy on an airplane asking me how my husband feels about me going on a girls’ trip. The girls finding a toad outside and having one of them ask, “Mama, if we kiss it, will it turn into a new Daddy for us?” These small moments… add up to so much emotionally and mentally. Sometimes I feel like I handle them “well” and then other times it takes me a minute to center myself so I can continue moving forward.  I have a friend who said it must feel like a thousand little paper cuts throughout the day. And it does.  I think I spend so much time preparing myself for the expected difficulties- those day to day things that were manageable as a couple, but that seem so overwhelming by myself- that the small unexpected moments are the cuts that sting so deeply that  they  throw me off balance the most. But I have to continue moving forward. It’s what Bill wanted. And somewhere deep down, I know it’s what I have to do for me, for the girls, and to honor my wonderful husband.

My friend who sent me that text about not being completely honest wants to have us over to celebrate winning the award. It’s so thoughtful of her and I know part of the reason she’s doing it is to help try to fill that void of not being able to celebrate with Bill. And I plan to take her up on it because even though he’d roll his eyes at how uncomfortable “being celebrated” would make me; I also know it’s what he’d want. 

Saturdays

I had a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to write about this week, but then yesterday happened. It wasn’t a terrible day, nothing specifically happened that was earth shattering, but it was a day where I realized something about our “new life” that I hadn’t really thought about before.  I really dread Saturdays.

For the first time in a while we didn’t have plans (well, we had plans, but a sick ZoZo caused us to cancel them.) So we were kind of “on our own for the day.”  In our life “before,” Bill would tease me because one of my favorite things to do was to write things on my calendar. (Yes, I’m still a paper calendar girl. I know… I know… I’m so out of touch!) It’s not that my goal was to be overscheduled, but I am a planner, so I do enjoy putting things on the calendar. When Bill was here and healthy, Fall was one of our favorite seasons. Apple picking, fall festivals, and other outdoor activities filled our weekends. Sometimes with friends and sometime just with us. I loved it. He loved it too- once he’d get there. He and I were very different in a lot of ways in that I am an extravert and he was an introvert. He was just fine hanging out at the house, while I was always on the quest for what more we could DO. He used to brace himself for the weekly question of “What should we do today?!”  He’d roll his eyes and just sigh, and usually go along with whatever I had planned.

We actually had a conversation about it in the middle of the night while he was having his first round of chemo in Boston. He had his own room, and I had fallen asleep on the sofa, but the nurse had come in to change his IV bag. I woke up as he was asking her if he could go sit with his beautiful bride. It brings tears to my eyes even now to think about. Oh how I miss his voice. Anyway, when he sat down he thanked me for all the plans I had “made” him do. The apple picking, the pumpkin picking, etc… He said that he had realized with everything he was facing, that spending that kind of quality time and having those experiences with the girls was what life should be about. He was so looking forward to being able to go with us the next time he was well enough.

But I digress… so this week I started filling out the calendar for the fall. Scheduling ballet for Leah, swimming for ZoZo and Kaleigh, and all the other activities we have. And when I looked at the calendar I realized that most of the Saturdays were empty. And something about that made me have this wave of emotions. Panic. Sadness. Overwhelmedness (is that a word?!) I know that we will continue to do the traditions that Bill and I started. He and talked a lot about how I should do my best to keep things as “normal” for the girls as possible. So I’m not even sure my feelings were about the empty dates on the calendar because I know they will fill up quickly. And I know we have a ton of wonderful friends who we can go do all the fun things with too, so I wasn’t even feeling like I’d have to do them with the girls by myself.  As I was texting a friend about it yesterday, I think I came to realize that it is really about not being able to give our kids the “complete” experience and life that Bill and I had envisioned for them. A fun day of doing something as a whole family. Because let’s face it, our family will never been whole again. He will be missing from everything we do from here on out.

I think the other part of that is that Saturdays are when my kids see their friends with their dads. Mostly during the week, the parents the girls see are the moms. But on Saturdays, dads are everywhere. (Which is a GREAT thing.) Kaleigh has started to struggle with feeling jealous of her friends when they get to go do things with their dads. She is quick to say that she is happy that her friends have great dads to spend time with, but that she doesn’t understand why God decided she wasn’t supposed have Daddy here to play with. It’s a heartbreaking question that I struggle with all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. And I have no answer for her. I never will.

Now I don’t write this to have dads avoid my kids. That’s actually quite the opposite. We have been blessed with several amazing men who have stepped up and have decided to pour into the girls in Bill’s absence. (And I’ll write more about that another time.) It’s great for the girls to see and be around great dads. But it is still a struggle for them right now- especially Kaleigh.

So again, for those of you who pray for us. If you could pray that somehow we would navigate Saturdays this year with a balance of activity and down time. And that whatever emotions the four of us might have about missing Bill will be able to be handled in a positive/constructive way.

And I want to acknowledge that I know there are kids out there who don’t have any parents to support them. Kids who would look at our situation and would wish to be in a family with at least a mom who loves them. A family who is surrounded by a community of people who love them. I get that. I am not trying to have a pity party for ourselves. We have been blessed in so many incredible ways. But we do still really struggle a lot. I pray as time goes on, it will get easier. 

The last time we got to go apple picking together. Amazing husband and dad.

My "Alone" Week/ The Girls' Grandparent Week

As I sit here trying to decide where to start, I’m listening to the two littles play sweetly in the other room. It’s hard to believe that they were even gone last week. It’s even HARDER to believe looking around, that just two days ago this house was SPOTLESS. Oh the HOURS I spent organizing and purging... not that I am a bit surprised. What do they say? Cleaning with kids is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos? So true. However, I will say that for all of the hours I spent trying to get organized, there are some major things that even after 48 hours of being home, the kids haven’t destroyed (yet). Systems in place, like the re-institution of the “official” chore chart (something that had fallen by the wayside with so many people in and out of the house as I traveled back and forth to Boston) and toy bins that actually match the label on the front. And we won’t mention the BAGS of toys I donated that no one has noticed yet. I’m still not 100% ready for school to start, but I feel a lot more organized than I did. (And yes, I do realize it may seem to make no sense that the house is a mess again, but the chore chart is back... these things take time. I'm hoping they will be close to mastering it as part of the normal routine by the start of school. A girl can dream, right?!) 

Last week was about more than cleaning and getting organized. I spent a lot of time working too. Many people have asked me if I plan to go back into the classroom next year, but I am happy to say that I am planning to stay home again. For those of you who don’t know, since Kaleigh was about 9 months old, I have been privileged enough to work with a team of amazing people writing Problem-Based Learning units for advanced academics students. If everything goes according to plan, I will get to continue doing this for the next couple of years. It has always been an incredible opportunity for me, and something that Bill was always so encouraging of. He was always my biggest cheerleader- often times changing his work schedule to accommodate meetings, trainings, etc… There are a lot of advantages to being able to work from home while the girls are still so young, not least of which is that on a teacher’s salary, paying for childcare for three kids would take most,  if not all of my earnings. Eventually, I will go back into the classroom. I’ve missed it a lot over the years, but I am really blessed to have the chance to work from home for right now.

Zoey touching her tiny fish!

Ok. Enough about me. Let’s talk about the incredible time the girls had with Granddaddy and Grandmama in SC! I know I’ve said it before, but these sweet peas are so blessed to have such wonderful family. Grandmama and Granddaddy kept them busy while they were there.  A Museum visit, the Minions movie, pool time (thanks, Mrs. La Rose!), visiting with cousins, hanging out with neighbor friends, and spending time with Great-Granddaddy filled their days. Grandaddy even helped fulfill one of their most important (and talked about) wish list items of the summer. They got to go FISHING! From what I understand, it was a big success. Leah loved catching the fish, but apparently freaked out once the fish was out of the water (sounds like her mama). And Kaleigh even put the live bait on the hooks (ewe- does not sound like her mama!) Zoey caught a teeny little fish and touched it- which she was very excited about.  All in all, it sounds like they had a fantastic time. (Special thanks to Ms. Marlene and Mr. Bobby for letting them fish on their lake. They have been so excited about it, they keep telling me how fun it was.)

  

Girls at EdVenture 

Fishing Kaleigh

With the Rekers Cousins

With Great-Granddaddy

This pic made me tear up. So sweet. 

It’s hard to believe we only have three weeks left til school starts. For those of you who continue to pray, please just lift us up in the same ways you have been. Transitions (so far this week has been pretty good), school starting, the new normal, and for my energy, stamina, and faith (more on that later).

Family Beach Week

This past week was a fun-filled week at Bill’s Grandfather’s beach house in Garden City, SC (near Myrtle). Bill’s family has been going to this beach house for years and years, and this was only the second time I had been down there without him. (Two years ago, just before he was diagnosed a second time he had to work, so I went down with the family without him.) Maybe having already had the “first” time being there without him out of the way made it a little easier. I don’t know. It was definitely still bittersweet. His absence was so incredibly noticeable. I’m so thankful that his family has continued to love me and the girls as though he were still here. Extended family continues to check in with texts, e-mail, calls, etc… And when we are with them they give special attention to the girls. We are so blessed to be a part of this wonderful, loving, and supportive family.

Right after Bill died the girls had their Spring Break, and Bill’s Aunt and Uncle invited us down to their house near Greeneville. Those of you on Facebook saw some of my posts from that time. They live in the country and have several horses. The girls absolutely LOVED it. Our days were filled with fun things that Martha and Reggie (his aunt and uncle) had planned, and we got to see so many other cousins while we were there. It was so hard for me to be there without Bill, but at the same time it was so good to be with “his people.” They loved on us even if the girls’ behavior was challenging, they distracted us at the right times, and let me cry when I needed to. I kept imagining how happy Bill would have been to see his family all spending that time together. 

Reggie taking ZoZo for a horseback ride over Spring Break,

Hiking with the West cousins at Chimney Rock

Probably my favorite Spring Break pic. Kaleigh kept asking if Daddy would be proud of her for driving a tractor. It kind of looks like she's carting around a wheelbarrow of fire, which he would have thought was hilarious. 

So this week was kind of the same thing. The girls loved getting to spend time with their other cousins and everyone else. They played on the beach, played ponies and littlest pet shop, boogie boarded with Granddaddy, and did all the other fun stuff we would have usually done while we were down there. So in some ways it was just like “normal.” And in lots of other ways for me, hopefully not for the girls, there was that same emptiness I often (constantly) feel. 

I will say that someone commented on how much the girls and I were smiling and laughing. And I’m so thankful for that.  I know its because we have been surrounded by so much love over the past few years. For the girls, that love has given them much needed security and permission to enjoy themselves without feeling guilty. I've read a lot or articles about what a struggle that can be for some people, and I'm so thankful that it hasn't really been the case for us. Bill was always so clear about how he wanted them (us) to have fun, and that he wanted them to enjoy the special times. Even in the midst of all of his struggles, he gave them permission to be kids. It has proven to be an amazing gift.

A friend told me today that she couldn't believe I was able to do everything it takes to get the girls all packed up and down to the beach. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. It wasn't. But it is really important to me that we continue to do the things we would've done before. And it's also even more important to me that the girls spend as much time with Bill’s side of the family as we can. I want them to know him through their stories of him. I want them to hear about the goofy things he did growing up. I want them to know how obstinate he was when he was little. And I want them to know that they come from this wonderful group of people who love them. And that beyond the many people here in Virginia (and elsewhere) who love them, they also have a whole other army of family members in SC that love them just as much.

Leah getting ready to jump in after the long car ride. 

Bill's cousin Scott taking Kaleigh out on the water. She loved every second of it. 

Loves the ocean, hates the sand. And can't figure out why it has to get on her feet every time she goes on the beach. 

Cousin Pyramid! (Missing some, but still cute.)

   

I drove back to Richmond on Friday without the girls. They are going to stay with Bill’s parents until this weekend, so I am kid-free for the whole week! (Best in-laws EVER! Stay tuned for pics of them having fun with the G-parents. They are having a BLAST!) But being here alone is still bittersweet. While I have a million things to do for work, getting organized in anticipation of school starting, etc...it is hard to be here without anyone else.  I have attempted to fill my days with lots of activities to help distract myself, but I'm also trying to give myself some more "processing" time. Time to think about what the fall will hopefully look like as we really try to begin the "new normal." 

For those of you who have been praying for us, if you could pray that the transition for the girls coming home would go smoothly, I’d appreciate it. As you might remember, it didn’t go so well a few weeks ago, so I am praying that this time will be a little better.  And also, if you could pray for my ability to come up with a routine that will work well for everyone once school starts. There are lots of logistical things to consider with three kids in school and activities, and I want to make sure we have a good balance between activity and down time. Thanks, friends.